Criminal
by JadedLadies
Summary: Gang life, handcuffs, and bars keep them apart, but as they say, love overcomes all things. Or does it? As Tori's life unravels, she must decide if love is enough to heal the damage James left in his wake. A novella written by Jadsmama.
1. Trepidation

_If you asked me a year ago if I'd ever write anything other than an Edward and Bella story, I probably would've laughed at you. After hearing the Britney Spear's song, Criminal, I challenged myself to write a drabble about her irrational love for a bad boy using Twilight's other characters and, in the end, I was left yearning for more from Victoria "Tori" and James. I can honestly say I've fallen in love with these two along the way and writing about them has opened my eyes to the lesser-known love stories throughout the Twi-universe. I hope you'll give them a chance to prove there's more to their characters than the evil facades they were given in Twilight. _

_Chapter one is a repost; new chapters will start posting bi-weekly. _

_**There aren't enough words to thank Ladysharkey1, Jessypt and Tanglingshad0ws for what they've done for me. It's their encouragement and excitement that gave me the confidence to expand Criminal into a full-length story. This story is dedicated to you amazing ladies! xoxoxo **_

SM owns Twilight, I'm just giving her secondary characters the chance at lead roles. This disclaimer applies to every chapter and will not be stated again.

* * *

_**Chapter One -Trepidation**_

_**He is a hustler, he's no good at all**_

_**He is a loser, he's a bum, bum, bum, bum**_

_**He lies, he bluffs, he's unreliable**_

_**He is a sucker with a gun, gun, gun, gun**_

_**I know you told me I should stay away**_

_**I know you said he's just a dog astray**_

_**He is a bad boy with a tainted heart**_

_**And even I know this ain't smart**_

**August, 2011**

The sound of the closet door closing jolts me from restless sleep. I squint through one eye, already knowing the cause of it and why.

He has somewhere to be, and I've run out of time once again to convince him otherwise.

_**But mama I'm in love with a criminal**_

_**And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical**_

_**Mama please don't cry, I will be alright**_

_**All reason aside I just can't deny, I love the guy**_

I've given up everything to be with James. My family took one look at him and couldn't get past the hard exterior he uses to shield the man I see inside.

Peter and Charlotte attempted to have a meaningful conversation with James, but when his nerves got the best of him, it ended horribly. My parents looked at me with blazing eyes, silently asking what in the hell I was thinking bringing a man like that home. In the meantime, James sat beside me, full of shame, knowing they'd never believe he was good enough for me.

And on paper, he wasn't.

My parents were adamant I needed to separate myself from him for my safety, but I refused. I love James more than my own life, and since the day I met him, I've always felt safe and protected in his presence. As time passed and he let me into his heart, I saw his potential.

Too bad he doesn't see himself as clearly as I do.

_**He is a villain by the devil's law**_

_**He is a killer just for fun, fun, fun, fun**_

_**That man's a snitch and unpredictable**_

_**He's got no conscience, he got none, none, none, none**_

_**A-All I know, should let go, but no**_

_**'Cause he is a bad boy with a tainted heart**_

_**And even I know this ain't smart**_

I've never doubted how truly dangerous James is. I've seen the group of thugs he works with and have listened to him exchange "battle" stories with great pride amongst his friends.

My mind is constantly trying to convince me to run away as fast as I can, to never look back at the man who wants people to believe he doesn't give a shit about his life, but, my heart keeps my feet in place. It has cemented me to his side and continues to encourage me to show him how the quality of his life could be so much better if he would change his lifestyle. I express my feelings for him by showering him with the love he has desperately craved for years. Without being told, I know the lack of attention and love from his parents is what got him into the situation he feels bound to in the first place.

Can't he see I have enough love to fill the voids? How much better he'd feel about himself if he just left all this behind?

_**But mama I'm in love with a criminal**_

_**And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical**_

_**Mama please don't cry, I will be alright**_

_**All reason aside I just can't deny, I love the guy**_

I stay as still as I possibly can, not wanting him to know I'm awake. I knew it was a bad idea to spend the night, but I needed more time with him. I always do.

It's clear James is on edge as he starts to dress; he keeps fidgeting and pulling on the sleeves of his shirt as if they aren't long enough to cover his ink.

As much as I hate to witness him struggling, I can't help but wonder if there's hope for him; maybe he won't go through with this assignment after all.

Several minutes pass, and my eyes never leave his chest. I watch as his body begins to shake, and he takes in deep breaths. Tears begin to well in my eyes. He's not going to bow out. It's not his style.

James rests his head against the dresser for several minutes then reaches down to open the drawer I won't go near.

_**And he's got my name**_

_**Tattooed on his arm**_

_**His lucky charm**_

_**So I guess it's OK**_

_**He's with me**_

_**And I hear people talk (people talk)**_

_**Try to make remarks**_

_**Keep us apart**_

_**But I don't even hear**_

_**I don't care**_

He turns his body in the direction of the bed, and I snap my eyes closed, hoping he didn't catch me watching him.

I can hear the long strides he takes in his steel-toed boots as they connect with the hardwood floors. I know he isn't headed out the door just yet.

As he nears the bed I will myself to get my feelings under control, because I can't have him worried about me when he has a job to do.

The bed dips down, and shaky hands find the bare skin of my back.

"Tori," he whispers in my ear. "I know you're awake."

I swallow the lump in my throat as I try to answer him, but I can't. Opening my eyes is acknowledgement enough.

James' eyes look deep into mine, and I do the same to his.

I can see deeper into his soul than I ever have before, and it's confirmation that I'm right… he doesn't want to go through with this.

Fear, sadness, anger, disappointment, confidence, love and hope are radiating from his ice blue eyes. I close mine again, unable to watch the war raging inside him.

"Baby, I know this is hard for you to understand, but this is something I _have_ to do," he says, his voice raspy as he sighs.

I nod my head. What else can I do? No words need to be said. James is going to do what he wants. What he feels he needs to do.

"I uhhh… I love you, Tori. If something goes wrong just remember that won't ever change, and the boys will take care of you," he says, attempting to keep his composure.

I can't help but think about what his boys would have to say if they saw him being so vulnerable.

I remain silent, still unable to speak.

"Come on, open your eyes." Frustration is oozing from his voice at this point, breaking me down. "I need to know you're okay, baby. I can't leave with us like this."

When I open my eyes, the tears I've been holding fall without permission. James wipes them away, and then leans in to kiss my forehead, brushing his lips along my cheek along the way. I can feel his shaky breath caressing my skin as he continues until he reaches my lips.

"I love you," I manage to get out as sobs take over my body.

I've been in love with a criminal for months, so why's it so hard now? It's not the first time I knew where he was going or what he'd be doing when he got there. But this will be the first time I'm here to witness him transform from the man I love to someone I wish I didn't know.

He pulls my body to his and holds me tightly until I'm able to calm myself down.

"It should be quick, and then I'll be back." James pauses before adding, "I hope you'll be here, but I understand if you'd rather go back to your place."

I place a kiss on his lips without answering. I love him as he is. Nothing will change this, but, at the moment, I'm not sure if I have enough strength to pretend to be okay.

James walks out the door, tucking his gun in the back of his jeans while I say a silent prayer he'll return to me.

* * *

_**Look for weekly teasers through The Fictionator and TwiSherry's pic-tease.**_

_**See you on Wednesday when we'll find out if James makes it home to Tori… or if she's stays there waiting for him.**_

_**Thanks for reading!  
**_

_**Jadsmama**_


	2. Despair

**Chapter Two-Despair**

_If you ever leave me baby,_

_Leave some morphine at my door_

'_Cause it would take a whole lot of medication to realize what we used to have_

_We don't have it anymore._

_There's no religion that could save me_

_No matter how long my knees are on the floor_

_So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'_

_Will keep you by my side_

_Will keep you from walkin' out the door._

_It will Rain ~ Bruno Marz_

* * *

The emptiness of the room penetrates my body, numbing every part it touches until it's embedded deep inside my soul.

It was stupid to think he would stay, even if it would've been for me - for us - but more importantly, for himself.

When my eyes finally shift from the closed door to the picture of us tucked in the corner of his mirror, I stop trying to hold back my sobs; there's no need to. No one can hear me crying or the desperation behind each falling tear.

Eventually, the stinging sensation becomes unbearable, and my eyelids droop closed. Blackness washes over me and images start to appear. Clearly, my wild imagination has taken over… is taunting me.

_It's a dark alley, and James is in the back screaming at a helpless man. He holds a gun to the man's head and says words filled with rage. The ringing sound of a gunshot ricochets off the brick walls as the man slumps forward. Sirens are echoing in the streets, getting louder by the second as they close in on the alley._

My body jolts awake, startled by the gruesome nightmare. I can feel tear tracks on my heated cheeks. Realization hits me that the whimpers I'm hearing aren't coming from the man in my dreams. They're coming from me.

I lay back down, pulling the comforter as high as I can in need of comfort and warmth from something, anything, even if it's just from a blanket. As I attempt to slow my breathing, I desperately try to erase the violent images from my mind, to focus on James in a positive light, to see him as the man he is when he's around me.

I drift off to sleep once again, and the darkness turns to light in my dreams. Jumbled memories of laughter-filled dinners, lustful nights out at a club, and the first time we made love invade my mind.

This is the man I fell in love with, the one that pushes his lifestyle aside every chance he gets to spend quality time with me, showing me he's more than just as criminal. That he _is_ worthy of me.

The sound of running water starts to mingle with my dreams. When the trickling noise stops, my eyes flutter open..

A few minutes later, James appears in the doorway with a tentative look on his face as our eyes meet.

"You stayed," he says before adding in softer tone, "thank you, baby."

I'm lost for words at his apprehension; doesn't this man know I'll never leave his side? He's part of my life, despite the danger and stupidity of it all, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Our eyes remain locked as he walks further into the room. We're feeling each other out with every step he takes, searching for an indication that nothing has changed between us since his departure the night before.

I pull back the comforter, inviting him in. I'm desperate to feel his skin, to inhale the clean, earthy smell of his body, and to allow his husky voice to fill my ears. I need some type of confirmation that I'm no longer dreaming, that he really did come back to me.

James cautiously smiles and drops the towel from around his waist. The warm flesh of his legs is the first to touch my body, and I sigh with contentment. As long as I have him with me, I can let my fears go.

He sinks down onto the bed, his body mirroring mine, then reaches out and pulls me to him. His head slowly inches closer to me, and he begins to murmur that he loves me each time ours lips meet.

"I love you, too. So much," I respond, knowing he needs reassurance just as much as I do. In all reality, he'd have so much more to lose if something went wrong tonight, but if I lost him, my world would be shattered.

Between the stillness of the room and the uneasiness churning inside me, it's nearly impossible to stay still, and I start to fidget. My eyes rake over the parts of his body that are exposed, making sure he is unharmed, trying to avoid his intense stare. The desperation I saw in his eyes minutes ago causes my heart to ache at the thought that I can't take that pain away from him.

"It's all good, Tori, I'm fine. I told you there was no reason to be worried about me," James says with a slight chuckle, catching my attention and forcing me to look up at him. I smile at being caught and watch as his handsome face softens; his eyes appear less haunted and brighter by the second.

Not trusting myself to keep my emotions in check, I don't respond. Instead I lean in for another kiss in order to keep my questions at bay. There will be plenty of time for that discussion; right now I want his body to reassure me, not words I know he's hesitant to say.

What starts out as a sensual kiss, deepens, and our tongues start to move more forcefully. Our hands roam with a little more enthusiasm, wandering over places that are anxious for attention. We're sharing our feelings through touch, showing what we mean to one another, letting our worries disappear for the time being.

James moves so he's hovering over my body, he bends down and nips at my collarbone then trails kisses along my blushing chest until he reaches my nipple. He wastes no time and takes it into his mouth with a groan. The minute his tongue swirls, my nipple pebbles, and an ache of desire radiates throughout my body.

"I need you," I whimper, my voice throaty and rough. With the built up tension surrounding us, I can't contain myself any longer.

I have no doubt he's feeling the same way as I've felt his need for me since the minute he pulled me against him. With my words of encouragement, he glides into me without hesitation. My body takes him in, inch by inch, and with each movement, I let the worry go. James is my only concern. He's safe. We're together… there is nothing more that I need.

He searches for my hands and intertwines our fingers and brings them above my head. This position gives him more leverage, allowing his rhythm to pick up as he pushes and pulls against my body. James' movements feel desperate as he forcefully glides in and out of me. His face is flushed; sweat is beading on his forehead, and as I take in his clenched teeth, I sense the determination he is feeling. With each pump, his eyes droop until they are fully closed. I wrap my legs around him, holding him as close to my body as possible, needing our bodies to be touching in every way possible.

"Fuck… this… _you_…. Nothing else matters," he stutters. I watch as he squeezes his closed eyes tighter and his lips part, allowing low, deep grunts to escape loudly. I can tell he is using my body to ground himself, to bring him down from the adrenaline rush of the night.

He tilts his pelvis, hitting the sweet spot deep inside me, causing my body to arch from pleasure as my eyes close. Tingles take over my limbs and spread heat down to my toes as they start to curl into the sheets below. I begin to pant as my tightly wound body starts to climb. "Right there… don't stop," I barely manage to get out before I can't hold on any longer and the feeling of pure bliss takes over.

I open my eyes and see a familiar smirk on James' relaxed face. "I love to watch you cum. You're so fucking beautiful," he says as he continues to move inside me.

The atmosphere around us changes, calmness seems to have claimed both of us. I can feel the difference in the set of his shoulders, the grip of his fingers on mine, and the tender, loving way he's looking at me. He's no longer forceful or demanding as he shifts his hips forward, pushing and pulling slowly. His flushed face is filled with much more than his agony or desire. I can see the internal peace he's allowing himself to feel once again. I love seeing James in moments like this, when he realizes there is more to him than being a villain.

"Roll over, let me take care of you now," I demand with a sweet smile.

"You always do," he mutters as we change positions.

I keep my pace deliberately slow, rolling my hips as my hands roam around his toned abs and up towards to his pecs. He has a body of steal, and the feel of it underneath my hands keeps me yearning for more.

James' hands grip my hips, encouraging me to go faster. I know he's close by the tightening of his grasp and his erratic thrusts. As much as I want to see him let go, I'm not ready to end this just yet. He closes his eyes and lets out a groan of protest as I slow down my movements.

"Please, Tori… _please_," he begs, and at first I think he's just pleading for me to make him cum, but as I zero in on his lips silently moving, I can make out the words _don't ever give up on me. _He continues to repeat these words over and over but never says them above a whisper.

It hurts to see the internal war that's razing and tearing him apart, and tears start to prick behind my eyes. It takes everything I have to push my sadness away and just live in the moment we are sharing. I pick up my tempo and bend down to whisper in his ear. "I'm yours. Forever, baby."

James lets out a shuddering breath and lets go as soon as the words rolls off the end of my tongue.

Feeling sated and sleepy, we roll until we're once again side-by-side. I lean in for one last kiss and hear him whimper as I back away. He gives me a weak smile that doesn't reach his eyes. I can't help but to think that whatever he has been trying to work though tonight hasn't disappeared. With nothing to offer but the comfort of my touch, I pull his tense body into my arms. I hold him tightly, whispering words of love until I hear his breathing even out. I close my eyes, hoping sleep will come easy for me, as well.

Our relationship will always have its fair share of ups and downs, bad nights and long days, but my love for James will never change. I'll continue fighting to show James the man I see inside.


	3. Uncertain

**Chapter Three-Uncertain**

_I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart_

_What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

_In the End~ Linkin Park_

* * *

"Well, someone looks chipper today," Esme teases as she stocks the station next to mine.

I'm hands deep in coloring my client's hair, but that doesn't stop me from looking over at her to respond. "I sure am. Can't wait to get the weekend started!" I don't bother holding back a grin as I explain what has me so eager.

Esme hangs on my every word and shares in my excitement. She has been my boss for the past two years at a small hair salon in downtown Seattle, and she's been an amazing mentor to me. The first time she met James, I saw her mask the wariness behind a forced smile. Over time, however, she's come to realize that his personality exceeds his appearance and has, without hesitation, warmly welcomed him.

With my client's hair processing and a few minutes to spare, I sneak into the back room and retrieve my vibrating phone out of my smock. My face lights up as his name flash across the screen.

"Hey, you," I answer cheerfully, excited to hear my man's voice.

"Hi, babe. I just wanted to call see how your day is going. Mine is fucking dragging already," James grumbles into the phone.

I giggle at his dramatics. It's only eleven in the morning, and I bet he hasn't been up for long.

"It's going okay. I don't have very many clients on the books, so it may drag for me, too," I say before I think to add, "I guess I can spend my free time trying to figure out where you're taking me. I even have Esme in on it now!"

James' laugh is loud in my ear, and I love hearing how carefree he sounds. We're both impatient – one of the things we have in common. He had to know I wouldn't let an opportunity go by without trying to get some information out of him.

After my breakdown last weekend, James has been extra attentive to me. We normally talk every day and see each other a couple times a week, but the past few days have been different. He's made a point to see me every day, even if it's just stopping by the shop to bring me coffee. On Tuesday night, he told me to keep my weekend free because he'd made plans for us to go away until Monday morning.

It is the first time in the year we've been together that he has done anything like this, and I am still pleasantly surprised he's so eager to whisk me away.

"You'd think by now you'd know I'm not gonna blow the surprise, baby."

I huff at his resistance, earning myself another throaty laugh from him. A smirk pulls at my lips when I briefly reflect on how he's enjoyed my attempts to get this information out of him.

"How will I know what to pack then?" I whine, unable to hold back a laugh as I do, knowing I sound like a typical girl.

"How about you don't pack anything; that way we can stay in," he responds in that husky tone that makes me squirm a little. The thought of what we could do to keep busy isn't helping me remain still, nor is the fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"If you play your cards right, we may just do it anyways," I flirt back, knowing that he is just as insatiable as I am.

"Fuck. I wish we could leave tonight," he mumbles. I can hear the shift in his tone; disappointment takes the place of longing.

He doesn't wait for my response before he adds, "I won't be around tonight, but I'll be at your place around nine to pick you up. So, have your sweet ass ready on time for once."

An uneasy feeling washes over me, and my smile disappears. All week, I've told myself it was a matter of time before we ended up in the situation we were in last Saturday night. There would be other times when something else needed to be taken care of, and I had to be prepared for it.

I let out a breath, willing myself to hold it together. I will not put the same pressure on him, or myself, that I did last week.

"I love you. Be careful… please." My voice cracks, and my words get caught in my throat.

Sensing my emotions, James sighs. I know he hates it when I'm upset, especially when it's about him.

"We've talked about this, baby. I'm _always_ careful. And I love you, too, Tori."

I'm hesitant to hang up but eventually do. The rest of my day goes by quickly, thanks to a couple unexpected clients. I'm thankful for the distraction. It doesn't give me the opportunity to dwell on what today will bring, keeping my focus on what tomorrow will have in store for me and James.

With no plans after work, I end up leisurely walking around the mall. I'm stalling; I don't want to go back to my empty apartment. Asking for a table for one at the restaurant pushes me further into the depression that has slowly been wrapping around me. I miss James, and as I take in the sight of women laughing at the table next to me, I long to have a close friend in my life again. Jane and I would have looked just like those women not so long ago, before she told me she couldn't come around anymore because she wasn't comfortable with James.

After purchasing several new outfits, I head towards the mall exit when a deep purple baby doll dress in a window catches my eye. Knowing how much it turns James on to see me in skimpy lingerie, I turn on my heels and walk into the store. I will definitely be torturing him as much as possible for holding out on me all week.

Over a glass of wine and a long bubble bath at home, my mind wanders to where we may be going tomorrow. With summer coming to an end, the beach or a secluded cabin nestled in the mountains would be amazing. As much as I want to get away from the Seattle, a hotel downtown would even be a nice escape. I only have one requirement – I want James by my side the entire time.

Feeling relaxed and sleepy, I settle into bed, trying not to think about how only half of it will be warmed tonight. Surprisingly, I end up sleeping comfortably through the night and feel rested when my alarm goes off.

I take my time enjoying a cup of coffee as I pull out my favorite sundress and sandals. After straightening my normally wavy hair and applying a light layer of makeup, I place my overnight bag next to the door and then glance at the clock.

With some time to kill, I sit down at my small dining room table and open up a magazine to the celebrity gossip section. When I finish with the article, I check to see how much time has passed.

The deep red letters stare back at me.

_Nine twenty-two._

I chuckle a little at the thought of giving James a hard time when he gets here. Normally, it's me that's always running late, and for once that's not the case.

I thumb through a couple more pages, finding several articles that seem interesting. Before I know it, I've turned the last page of the magazine.

My eyes drift to the clock once again and I'm surprised to see it's almost ten.

A frown appears on my face as I pick up my phone and dial James' number. It continues to ring until I get his voicemail. I leave a message, asking where he is and for him to call when he gets this.

Minutes turn into and hours with more messages, each growing increasingly more frantic. He should have been here hours ago, and I'm on the edge of really panicking when a swift knock on my door startles me. Excitement replaces fear, knowing he's finally here and we can get on with our plans despite out late departure.

I swing open the door, grinning ear to ear, until my eyes settle on a man I don't recognize. I take in his appearance – baggy jeans, a hooded sweatshirt, and a beanie covering his head. His eyes draw the most attention, though. They're a very profound shade of brown and mysterious in a way but at the same time, lifeless.

I move to stand slightly behind the door, my fear at this man's presence escalating.

"Victoria?" he questions with a blank facial expression.

"Um yeah. Who are you?" I answer back warily. He may know my name but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with him knocking on my door.

The man looks over his shoulder then back to me quickly, confusing me even further.

"I'm Laurent," he answers, and I rack my brain, trying to place the name. He speaks up again and says, "James'_ friend_." The way he emphasizes the word friend, lets me know just what kind of friend he is.

"How can I help you?" I ask, not sure what to say.

"I just wanted to let you know some shit went down last night, and James got picked up," he says coolly as if it's no big deal.

My breath hitches and panic starts to sets in.

Laurent doesn't say anything about the obvious shock I'm experiencing and doesn't wait for me to respond.

"The boys have to lay low for awhile 'til things calm down, but we got your back. You're his girl, so you're one of us."

_What the hell does that mean? They have my back… am I in danger?_

The words slip from my lips without me realizing it. Laurent explains that I'm safe, but he wants me to know this for peace of mind.

I nod, at a loss for words, as he takes his leave and I close the door.

As soon as the lock clicks, my mind tracks my earlier steps trying to recall where I've left my phone.

My shallow gasps for air are becoming louder and the tightening in my chest is on the brink of making me collapse. I need someone, anyone, to help me wake up from this nightmare I must be having.

Just as I remember that my phone is on the kitchen counter, and I plead with my legs to run towards it, I'm hit with a dose of reality. There is no need to retrieve it; I have no one to call.

As I slide down the door and hit the floor with a thud, I hear the voices of the people I've pushed away.

"_I told you this would happen, Victoria," my mother says smugly._

"_About time he gets what's been coming to him," my former best friend, Jane, shouts with conviction seething from her. _

My head falls into my hands. The anger that is welling up deep inside me is mixed with fear and sadness that's too overwhelming for me. My body starts to curl into itself and the noise of my own sobs in the silent, lonely room becomes an unwanted reminder that loving James has left me all alone. I chose him over everyone important in my life, and last night, he chose his lifestyle over me.


	4. Reality

**Chapter Four-Reality**

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away_

_And never knowin'_

_What could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

_What Hurts the Most ~Rascal Flatts_

* * *

_The streets of Seattle are a bit safer this morning after several alleged members of the prominent Volturi gang were arrested Friday night after a fight broke out…_

My hands can't find the remote quick enough, my finger going straight for the off button and pushing it away with force. My stomach is churning. There's no way I can listen to the news anchor talk so flippantly about James and his buddies. I have already heard it; once was enough to permanently leave the words and images etched into my brain.

James' mug shot stares back at me. Rage consumes his normally beautiful eyes, and it is almost unbearable to look at. This is not the James I know, and as much as I want to erase _this_ image from my memory, I know that in a matter of hours I'll be witnessing the sight of _that _man in person at his arraignment.

After my unexpected visit from Laurent on Saturday afternoon, I sat on the hallway floor until my bones started to protest and then stumbled to bed. The remainder of the day was spent crying hysterically, begging for it not to be true, and then cussing James out because it was real. When exhaustion took over, I couldn't help but give in.

When I woke the next morning, I felt frazzled and just as exhausted as I did the day before. All through the night I tossed and turned, my brain in a frenzy over the reality of my situation. I knew nothing about the law, had no idea whom to call to get information, or how to help James. My body was physically and mentally numb. I was too overwhelmed to separate my heartache from anger. I stopped trying to wrap my brain around everything, even though I know I needed time to sort through my feelings. That's the unnerving part; I'm desperate for all my feelings to be wiped away, to be happy again, and I know it isn't a possibility at this point.

After making a phone call to the county jail, I get a bit of perspective and a better grasp on what's happening to James. The officer I spoke to was extremely patient with me as I choked out my questions. By the end of the conversation I knew what allegations he was up against and his court date early the following morning.

After another night of minimal sleep, I pace around my apartment trying to get my bearings without the mental capacity to really do so. I've been procrastinating, not wanting to make the one call I know I need to make before I leave for the courthouse. My phone has been in my hands for the past ten minutes, but I can't gather enough courage to dial her number. I know Esme isn't the type to judge, but her opinion matters a great deal to me. She's one of the few people who sees James like I do, and the thought of that image being destroyed is devastating.

I let out a breath and push send before I chicken out again. This will be the first of several unpleasant calls I'm bound to make regarding James, and I have to come to terms with it.

"Oh honey, I saw the news. I tried calling you," Esme's voice flutters through the phone line. Her gentle tone almost calms me as she offers words of encouragement and support.

"I saw your missed calls. I'm sorry I didn't answer," I whisper not wanting to cry again.

Esme's call wasn't the only I didn't take; there were several messages from my parents. After the second one, I shut my phone off because I wasn't ready to hear their criticism just yet.

"Victoria, James is a good man despite whatever involvement he has with that gang." She momentarily pauses then surprises me by asking, "You know how I know this?"

"How?" I mutter. I believe deep down inside he is a good man, but is it possible someone else could still think that of him?

"I've seen him with you. Yes, he's made some poor choices, but I know there must be good in him or you'd never let him into your life. And, I've seen first hand how much he loves you. There's more to him than will be portrayed today. You remember that."

"I'm not sure what to think right now, Esme," I stammer out, at a loss for words. I no longer know how I really feel about the situation. As many times as I'd witnessed James have an internal war with himself and never really understood, I do now.

_Your heart and head can really feel two different things._

"Take a couple days off to regroup, sweetie. Promise me you'll call me if you need anything." Hearing her firm voice is soothing. Her concern for me is evident, and with everything going on, I desperately need someone in my corner.

"I will. Thank you… so much, Esme. Your support means a lot."

After exchanging goodbyes with her I turn around, coming face to face with my full-size mirror. The image staring back at me isn't what I'm used to seeing. I look horrible. My blue eyes have lost their shine, the darkening circles underneath them add to the gloom they hold. Blotches of red cover my normally pale skin from continuously crying. Even my hair looks lifeless and dull. _This isn't me._

Taking in my dejected state, I think back to what Esme said about regrouping. It's inevitable. Whatever the outcome is for James, I'll have to find a way to deal with it, no matter how much it hurts.

Being lost in thought helps me deal with the Monday morning rush of traffic, but the drive to the courthouse doesn't take as long as I hope. After circling around in the parking garage, I park and find my way to the front of the courthouse. Walking up the stairs is daunting, and my anxiety level climbs with each step I take. _I can't believe James put us in this situation._

It doesn't take long to locate the courtroom, which has James' name on the docket, and with shaking hands I reach out to open the door. I'm not sure what I expected, but the courtroom isn't what I had in mind. It leaves me feeling unsettled, and I can see I'm not the only one experiencing it.

Looking at the faces of strangers waiting for the arraignment is heartbreaking. Even though I have no idea why they are there, devastation is plastered on their faces, just like mine.

Before I'm mentally prepared, the bailiff calls the room to order and out walks the judge. This man will be playing a role in _my_ life, and I close my eyes and say a prayer that he has some compassion.

The sound of a door opening catches my attention, and I open my eyes just as a line of prisoners, wearing orange jumpsuits and handcuffs, file in. I hold my breath, waiting to see the only one I'm concerned about.

Seconds tick away, but it feels like hours pass before James comes into view. I don't realize I'm whimpering until a lady in my row turns to look at me with concern.

James' normally styled blonde hair is standing on end. One of his eyes is slightly swollen with black and blue bruises surrounding it, and a prominent cut across his cheek has stitches binding it.

I watch as his eyes travel the room, until they land on me.

His jawline tenses as he slows down the already sluggish pace he's on, and ours eyes remain locked.

I'm afraid to blink, thinking if I do he'll vanish.

He takes the seat he's directed to but never glances away from me. The Judge starts speaking, but his words are completely lost to me.

My lip starts to tremble as it all sinks in. There is nothing soft or caring about the man staring at me. None of the things I normally love about him are present.

Something shifts in James' harsh eyes, and for a quick second, I see them soften as he tilts his head. They're no longer blazing with anger; his remorse is now apparent. _He's letting his guard down for me._

_I fucked up_. His apologetic eyes convey the sentiment as they swiftly travel to mine, begging for me to understand.

My shoulders shrug involuntarily, and I nod my head, agreeing with his silent declaration. _There is no denying he messed up._

I lower my eyes, breaking our connection. All morning, I've been waiting to see him, desperate for reassurance that he's physically okay, and after receiving it, the numbness returns.

I know I should be mad at him, but how can I be? I've known all along this was a possibility. I'm not dismissing his actions by any means, but sitting in the courtroom has given me the clarity I've lacked from the beginning of our relationship. My love for James will never be enough to save him from the violent life he chooses to live. Only he can save himself, and apparently he doesn't want to.

I continue to avoid his piercing gaze and stare straight ahead, attempting to follow the cases that are presented before his, but it's a useless. My mind is swirling with anxiety as I wait to hear his name called.

The agonizing wait comes to an end a short time later as they call his name. James is tense, every muscle in his body stiff as he walks to the podium where his public defender awaits him. My lip finds it way between my teeth. The tinge of pain gives me something to focus on while James speaks softly to his lawyer. When the judge addresses him, my pounding heart starts to soar from the anticipation.

"Mr. James Colton. You've being charged with robbery in the first agree. I assume your lawyer has spoken to you and you understand what this means. Am I correct?"

There is no hesitation on James' part. "I do."

A trickle of blood is swirling around the tip of my tongue from the punctured corner of my lip. The bitter taste fills my mouth, matching the sour feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The judge speaks up once again, "Very well, then. How do you wish to plead, Mr. Colton?"

My knee starts bouncing, and both hands grip the strap of my purse tightly as I watch James' shoulders slump and his head bow slightly. Internally I'm pleading with him to make this right. _Please say you're innocent—I can't imagine you any other way_—but his slow response tells everything I need to know.

"Guilty."

Hearing him say the words digs into my soul.

I shake my head in disgust; I know exactly what he's doing. He's staying true to "his brothers," taking the fall for whatever happened without any extra attention being placed on them. He's taking away the opportunity to potentially be given a lesser charge and sentence. He's taking away the prospect of being with me sooner.

One of the judge's eyebrows rises, but his face remains blank as he speaks up for the last time. "You understand that by pleading guilty, you will forgo your right to have a jury hear your case?"

James looks back at me and sighs before turning to nod at the judge. The hole in my heart grows bigger.

"We'll proceed straight to the sentencing one week from Thursday." He bangs the gavel, finalizing James' fate.

His lawyer's hand rises to his arm, showing some comfort, as the courtroom is notified of the next case. I blink rapidly, trying to keep my tears from falling as I watch James' posture remain the same; his only acknowledgement to whatever is being said to him is with slow nods.

The bailiff walks toward James to escort him away, but before he does, James looks back at me one last time with somber eyes and mouths, _I love you_.

The anger I've been feeling the entire time he's been present is briefly washed away. I'm dying to run to him, to take him in my arms and return his words. To let him know we'll be okay, but I can't because I'm not even sure if it's the truth. He has once again put everything above me, and I'm no longer willing to accept that.

James pauses, waiting to for my response, and it earns him a jerk on the arm from the bailiff. My heart is screaming at me to return his words, but my lips remain still. I'm not ready to look past his betrayal yet, nor let my love for him gloss over everything. His face falls, and he casts his eyes down as he turns to walk out of the room.

After sitting through the next case in a haze of conflicting emotions, I sluggishly get out of my seat, and quietly exit the courtroom. With a heavy heart I make the long drive home, trying to imagine how my life will change without James in it.


	5. Realization

**Chapter Five-Realization**

_Something always brings me back to you_

_It never takes too long_

_No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone_

_You hold me without touch_

_You keep me without chains_

_I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain_

_Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity_

_Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be_

_But you're on to me and all over me_

_Gravity ~ Sarah Bareillis_

* * *

**September, 2011**

In the month that has passed since James' sentencing hearing, I gain a little bit more clarity. The suffocating feeling that has been pressing against my chest has slightly decreased, and the strength to sort through the emotions that have welled up inside me has become empowering.

I've finally been able to separate the hurt that has come with feeling betrayed by James and the role I played in my own misery. Yes, James is the one that committed a crime, but I'm guilty of admitting him into my life, fully knowledgeable of his lifestyle and the repercussions that could occur because of it. However, I still refuse to accept that my loving him, accepting him for the man he is, is wrong.

At the same time, the thought that I'm not as significant to him as he is to me cuts a wound deep inside my soul that I'm not sure will ever fully heal. I would never have put myself in a situation that could have torn us apart. If only he'd felt the same way, he wouldn't be locked up three hundred miles away from me right now.

Slower days, like today, are the hardest to push through; my depression submerges me further with each passing minute. The stillness of the shop offers me too much time to dwell.

Each time I dip into my memories, eager to see James' smiling face, I'm faced with the image of him during his last hearing. There was nothing of the man I love, only the hollow, cold shell of a convicted person.

The sight of the hollowness he portrayed always makes my heart ache.

Unlike his arraignment where his emotions were noticeable, his appearance was completely different as he listened to his fate. When we held each other's gaze from across the room, his eyes were blank. The once ice blue eyes I used to get lost in had become muted and empty. I hated that he was shutting me out. I deserved more than that. I couldn't fathom what had changed in the week between his arraignment and sentencing hearings, until I realized that James was lifeless because he was ready to accept his punishment, prepared to start his five-year sentence.

Meanwhile, I'm the one that isn't ready for the long road ahead of us. Every ounce of me is clinging to the last moments of his hearing, the ones where his eyes softened and his lips told me he loved me, but deep down in my soul I've already started to question if this separation is going to be permanent.

"Honey, you've got to eat more than that." Esme steps into the break room, frowning as she watches me push my food around my plate.

"I'm trying… I'm just not hungry today," I answer back with a shrug. My nerves are completely shot, causing my stomach to remain in a constant state of queasiness.

Esme's expression softens, transforming it from concern to understanding, before she steps away to grab her food.

She sits down next to me. "I assume your thinking about the letter again?" she gently asks, looking down at her plate, allowing me time to pull myself together, knowing that she's right.

My chest starts to tighten. Tears prick the corners of my eyes as the memory of yesterday's unexpected mail returns.

_Hey Babe,_

_I'm finally getting settled in here. I guess this place won't be too bad to spend the next five years in. Don't freak out they won't be able to keep me that long. Laying low so I can get parole in 3 years will be a fucking breeze. These dick heads know who I am, and they won't fuck with me._

_When I'm out, we're getting our weekend away, Baby. Shit, by then my cock will be in serious need of some lovin' from you. Don't be surprised if my hand falls off before then because I jackedoff so much while thinking about your tight body. The only thing that will get me through until then is I've got some sexy as hell thoughts of you saved up._

_You know me being here is whack, but whatever, I'll deal with that shit when I get out. You looked freaked out in the courtroom. Hope it didn't scare you too much._

_Here is the info for you to set up my account. I guess you can't do shit around here without it. I had to trade some of my shitty ass food for a stamp. Fuckers can't even give you stamps here!_

_Love you, baby,_

_J_

The shock of receiving a letter wore off quickly as his nonchalant, impersonal words infuriated me. Here I am, barely making it through each day, and he's thinking about having sex and worrying about giving up his food in order to communicate with me. _Asshole._

"I'm just so mad at him, Esme. It wasn't rude…. but it felt heartless. James didn't even say he's sorry." My breathing picks up as I feel the anger start to rise again.

"Maybe you should write him back and tell him how you feel. It may make you feel better."

I remain quiet, mulling over the thought of giving James a piece of my mind before answering her. "No. I'm not ready yet, and he deserves to wait and worry about me for once." The force behind this doesn't only take me by surprise. Esme's head jerks up, and her emerald eyes widen as she observes me with a serious expression. Stunned by my declaration, her lips crush together to conceal a smile. She doesn't say anything to me; the pride radiating from her says it all.

My lips tug in to a smirk, and I rejoice at how liberating it feels to say that out loud. More importantly though, I believe it. I have the power in our relationship for once, and it feels damn good.

"Plus, I threw his letter away, so I don't have the address." My sassy tone makes us both laugh, and the tension of the day to escape.

**~ Criminal~**

**October, 2011**

I rest my head on the cool edge of the toilet seat. The thought of how disgusting that is doesn't even penetrate the leftover nausea. Someone knocks on the bathroom door, and I lift my head, trying to quell the tide of nausea that washes over me.

"Victoria? Are you okay?" Lauren's muffled voice strains through the door, causing me groan at the thought of opening my mouth to answer her.

"Yeah… but if you're free, can you blow dry my client's hair? I'll be out in a minute to finish her up," I croak between deep, cleansing breaths.

My legs are wobbly as I try to stand, and I grab the sink to steady myself. I close my eyes, praying the nausea I've been experiencing the past couple days disappears. As I feel the tightening in my throat and a flash of heat penetrate my skin, I know it's wishful thinking. I turn back around, reaching the toilet just in time.

Realizing that I never heard Lauren's response, I attempt to clean up and force myself out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. Before I make it back to my station, Esme appears with a smug look upon her face.

"Still claiming it's nerves?" She raises her eyebrow, challenging me.

"No, I've been doing better lately. It was the new Chinese place down the street I had for dinner last night. Between the pork dumplings and getting another letter from James, my stomach is protesting everything right now." I shoot back at her, feeling irritated she is once again questioning why I don't feel good.

Her teasing smirk disappears, warping into a frown. I instantly feel bad for snapping at her.

"Sorry, Esme. I'm just irritable." My apologetic eyes search hers for some understanding.

"Oh, I know you are," she chuckles to herself then reaches out to hand me what appears to be card.

I take it from her, eyeing it momentarily to see what it is. Seeing Dr. Whitlock's name in bold letters and feeling Esme's apprehensive gaze on me makes me realize it's time I get a handle on my erratic mood swings. It's exhausting feeling out of control all the time, and I'm not too proud to say that some medication could be just what I need to feel in control of my body again.

It's time to put _me_ first.

James' newest letter proves I'm not a concern for him, so why should I let him get the best of me any longer?

I look at my client. Lauren must have heard me because she's drying the lady's hair, and I'm grateful for a few more minutes to myself.

I pull out my cell phone and dial the number for the doctor. As the ringing sound fills my ears, James' words encourage me to stay on the line.

_Hey T,_

_Today has been so fucked up. I've been here two months, and I'm already over this bullshit. I know too many assholes in here, and that isn't a good thing. They're talking too much smack about me going down for other people's fuck ups and you know what? They're fucking right! If I wasn't locked up, some motherfuckers would get a beat down cause it should be their asses rotting in here instead of me._

_Anyways, can you set my account up like I asked you to do a month ago? I need to be able to do shit in here or I'm going to lose my cool soon._

_Love you,_

_J_

**~Criminal~**

**November, 2011**

Cuddled up in an over-sized hoodie James left at my apartment, I stare out my living room window, watching the rain fall. The trickling rhythm the water makes as it collides with the window is soothing. It helps hide my sadness, knowing I'm alone as other families are nestled in their homes enjoying Thanksgiving dinner together. This is the first year I haven't joined my parents for the holiday, and a tinge of regret creeps up, knowing I haven't returned their calls in months.

Esme invited me to join her family, but I called this morning to graciously decline. Today is the first day I've felt a sense of peace in over four months, and it feels refreshing to have the freedom to bask in it without any other concerns. It's exactly what I needed to take away the pressure of the letter and black and white picture sitting on my coffee table. Despite my desire to be relieved from the anxiety they both place on me, there is no denying their importance to me. The documents represent my entire world, but I just need more time to absorb the truth behind them.

My nose dips into the collar, hoping to find any trace of James' smell. As silly as it may be, I've realized it's one of the things I miss most about him. After months of him being away, the musky smell of his scent no longer lingers throughout my apartment.

I tuck my knees into the sweater and close my eyes, attempting to visualize James' apartment once again. It has become a faded memory as the months have passed by, making me wish I could have somehow kept it. I'd give anything to wrap myself in his large bed right now and remember the feel of him surrounding me.

I pull my arms through the sleeves and wrap them around my firm, yet slightly rounder, stomach. There is no way to suppress my smile as I think about the life growing inside me. It's amazing how the two words you weren't expecting to hear makes everything wrong in your life, right again._You're pregnant. _

Weeks later, I continue to recall the doctor's voice as he revealed my fate. I was going to be someone's mommy.

Soft chuckles erupt as I think back to the day Esme gave me Dr. Whitlock's card. Even now when I replay her words about how emotional I'd been, I shake my head at how naïve I was. She'd known all along. When I'd told her I was eight weeks pregnant, Esme held me tight, reassuring me through tears that everything would work out for me, _for us_.

James has turned my life around, more than he even knows, and for once, I'm grateful he did. He gave me the baby I never knew I wanted, and yet, I still haven't told him or responded to any of his letters. I still love him, but now I have more to think about. My concerns have shifted from how I – _we –_ will end up, to how to protect my child from his daddy's violent lifestyle.

I gaze down at the peanut shaped image in the photo. My child deserves the best of everything, and that's what I'm going to give it, even if it means I have to walk away from its father.

The thought of being without James tears me apart. I'm even more desperate for him to get his life together, not just for me, but also for our child. However, I finally realize it's a decision James has to _want_ to make, and I'm not sure it will ever happen.

In the spirit of the holiday, all morning long I've been telling myself to stop putting James off. Not responding to him is doing nothing for either of us but making the distance between us even further apart. I hate it. I miss him more and more every day, but I'm scared.

Telling myself there is no better time than the present, I reach for the letter that I've read at least once a day since I received it. My fingers tremble as I open it, my eyes scanning the words I've memorized, and look for the information I need to write James back.

_Hey Baby,_

_I miss you so fucking much. I'm starting to go crazy from not hearing back from you. I still have some connections, even through here, and I know that you're at least alive, but I'm too fucking selfish for that to be enough for me. _

_I'm so fucking sorry, Tori. You know I never thought this bullshit would go down, and I never wanted to leave you. You're the only person that means anything to me in this world, the rest of it is all shit that I just have to fucking deal with. I know you understand. We've talked about this so many fucking times._

_PLEASE, baby… write me back. I need you so fucking much. I'm dying to hear your voice, too, and I swear I'll write and call you every day if you hook me up. Better yet, come see me._

_I love you, Tori, don't ever forget that._

_James_

I pad my way over to my laptop, the curiosity over the account he keeps mentioning heightens with each passing day, and I know it's time I look into it.

As the webpage for Air Way Heights Correctional Center appears on my screen, I can't help but feel remorseful that I haven't taken the time to do this before.

Viewing the jail where James is stirs up the feelings I've pushed away in the last couple of months, unleashing my tears of regret instantly. Before seeing pictures of the facility, I had somehow managed to avoid thinking about where he really is. I never imagined him living in a stark room or a tiny cell. My curiosity was always overshadowed by my hurt, but as I look at the pictures, I realize denial has been my friend.

After memorizing the appearance of the prison, I click on each link on the page, desperate to know everything I can. There are several resources for me that I plan to look further into. Feeling the weight of the day and my new found knowledge of what James' daily life includes, I quickly set up his account, wanting him to have some privileges to make life more bearable, and exit out of the screen.

I reach for a pad of paper and pen. My hand glides across the paper effortlessly knowing exactly what needs to be said.

_Dear James,_

_I just wanted to tell you I set up your JPay account, and there should be enough in it to tide you over for a while. However, I didn't set up the phone privileges… I'm just not ready to talk to you, yet._

_Please understand that I need more time to figure everything out. I promise I will write soon. I miss you, too, more than you can possibly know._

_Stay safe, please. _

_Love,_

_Me_

With the sealed envelope in my hands, I feel confident I'm taking a step in figuring out the best outcome for the three of us. Only time will be able to tell me exactly what that is though.


	6. Relief

**Chapter Six-Relief**

_I just wanna throw my phone away  
Find out who is really there for me  
'Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap  
Was always tearing at the seams  
I fell deep and you let me drown  
But that was then and this is now  
Now look at me_

_Part of Me~ Katy Perry_

* * *

**December, 2011**

I shuffle through the light dusting of snow on the sidewalk, heading home from the bakery at the end of the block, tightly gripping a sugary treat in my hands. Pregnancy has brought out my sweet tooth; rich chocolate has become my new obsession. Today isn't any different as the chilly air couldn't stop me from indulging once again.

My leisurely stroll allows me to take in the hustle and bustle surrounding downtown Seattle. City workers are replacing the red and green décor with silver and gold two thousand and twelve signs to transform the city for the New Year's Eve celebration.

_A new year and a new beginning. _

The approaching year will be a true test of my own newfound strength. I'm about to enter the world of parenthood. Any worries I have vanish when I think about laying eyes on my little one for the first time. Every first experience I'll have as a mother—feeding my baby, being called mommy, and receiving a hug from the innocent arms of my child—will get me through the rough, lonely days without James or my parents.

Making New Year's resolutions have actually been easy for me for a change; I'm vowing to focus solely on the baby. It stings a little to not think of James in the equation because it should be the both of us dedicating our time to our child, but he chose to follow a path that took him away from me.

I've only received one other letter from James since I sent mine. It was short and right to point as the others were, but he's clearly miserable. Reality is setting in, and with his days slowly ticking by, he's starting to feel hopeless. The tears I shed reading his letter weren't over my own jumbled feelings of loneliness, confusion, and disappointment but for him. Being unable to take his pain away eats away at me every day.

Instead of reaching out to him through a return letter, I pushed against my instincts and retreated from consoling him. He needs to figure out how to get through this on his own.

As I fight against the wind to open my complex's heavy glass door, I prepare myself to deal with something—or I should say _someone_—I've been putting off besides James.

Laughter builds in my chest as I make a deal with myself. _Make the call, and then you can eat your cupcakes. _I'm already working on my negotiating skills for when the baby is older.

My one-track mind, desperate for sugar, allows me to push past the nervousness and dial the number I've had memorized since I was five years old.

"Hello." My mom's song-like voice greets me.

I'm thrown off by the comfort one word from her instantly gives me and remain quiet as relief washes over. It's not the emotion I expected to feel, and it confuses me.

"Hello? Anyone there?" she questions again in a chipped tone, pulling me out of my thoughts in order to answer her.

"Hey, Mom," I reply, the shakiness in my voice is obvious.

"Well, Victoria, it's nice of you to take the time to call." I don't miss the anger laced within each curt word.

I know I deserve her response because I haven't answered a call from my parents since before James went to prison.

"I'm really sorry, Mom," I half-heartily respond, attempting to appease her. Just like always, she knows what I'm up to.

"I'd like to believe you, Victoria, but we both know you're not sorry. The truth is hard to hear, and admitting your mistakes has _never_ been easy for you."

This is exactly why I didn't call them. Not because I'm afraid to own up to anything, but because I know my parents' hatred for James will only increase; just like before, I refuse to hear it.

I take a much needed deep breath and gather up the courage to state why I'm calling. I might as well get all the backlash out at once, then I can continue on with my day.

"Mom… I'm not calling to argue with you. I know how you and dad feel about James. Yes, he made a mistake, but he's paying for it now. There is nothing else to talk about when it comes to him. I'm calling-"

She cuts me off before I can finish, "Nothing else to say about it? Are you kidding me? Do you realize how much danger he put you in? Yes, I saw the news reports. Are you mixed up in that bullshit, too?"

"What? No, I'm not in a gang, Mother. You know me better than that." I roll my eyes at her insinuation then get up from my place nestled into the couch cushions and start pacing across the living room.

"I used to think that was true, but apparently, I don't know you at all. Why are you still defending a man who's clearly done nothing good with his life? It's irrational, Victoria!" my mom seethes at me.

There is some truth to her statement, but I'm on the brink of losing my patience.

"You don't know him like _I_ do. Loving him_ is_ rational to me. I'll admit I _don't_ know all the violent things he's ever done, but I can tell you some _good_ things that you guys would've know if you had taken the time to get to know him."

My hands are shaking so badly I can barely keep a grip on the phone. When I notice my breathing has picked up as well, I realize I need to calm down. Getting this upset isn't worth the stress that's being passed on to the baby. There's no way I'm going to get my parents to see my point of view on this, but that won't stop me from sharing it.

"He loves me for me. He accepts my faults and supports everything I do, without question. If you can't see any good in _that_, then you need to take a step back and think about what's important in life!"

Hearing myself defend James feels right. Every comment I say is the truth. I'll never defend his actions, but I'll be damned if I let anyone, including my mother, cheapen what we have together.

"Oh my god, you're still with him."

"There's no rule that says prisoners must remain single," I sarcastically fire back, knowing it will piss her off that I'm being a smartass.

"I'd been hoping you'd gotten your head out of your ass these past couple of months, but I can see I was wrong," she says calmly, too calm.

"Mom, I _really_ do understand your concern for me, but I'm a big girl. I'm going to make the right decisions for _me, _and I hope one day you and dad will be able to respect my choices." My anger decreases as I try and put myself in their shoes. I wouldn't want my child in harm's way either.

"We just want the best for you, honey, and we don't believe James is it."

I know there is no point to try to convince her any further. It's the same battle we've had during every call for the past two years, and I figure it's time to get to the point of my call.

"Umm," I draw out, "I'm actually calling… to tell you something." I try to stall one last time, but her silence makes that impossible. "I'm five-and-a-half months pregnant."

The loud gasp she lets out isn't a surprise at all.

My eyes close as the sound pierces my ears. An image of her horror-struck face, as if I was seeing it first hand, pops into my head.

"Why am I not surprised?" her voice peaks an octave higher with each word. "You've been right all along; James _is _smart man. He's found a way to tie you down, and _then _he gets to walk right out of the picture. No care in the world for him!"

This dead-end conversation isn't getting us anywhere, and I've reached my criticism limit for the day.

"I need to go. I won't listen to this anymore. You have no idea what you're saying, and I don't need to justify my life to you."

I hang up without waiting for her response. I wasn't naïve to think we'd be planning a baby shower after I announced my pregnancy, but her allegation that James has purposely trapped me is ridiculous. _Hell, James doesn't even know!_

There's been unresolved tension surrounding my parents and I for the past couple of years, and I know I need to be patient and hope at some point in the future they'll welcome the baby, James' child, into their lives.

I pick up the cupcake box, in need of something sweet more than ever to help calm my frayed nerves. I don't hold back, making it through two mini-cupcakes lightening fast. Just as I reach for the third one, I feel a twitch in my stomach. With each movement the baby makes, I feel my tension decrease.

With one hand holding the treat box and the other rubbing my active belly, I make my way back to the couch. The movements within me stop abruptly, making wonder what my little one is up to. "Just so you know… I'll _always_ be on your team. I'll support every decision you make, even if I don't agree." Fluttering starts up again, and I take it as a confirmation the baby likes my promise.

_**~Criminal~**_

**January, 2012**

"Awww, I didn't know babies sucked their thumbs before they're actually born," Claire, our receptionist, states as she admires the sonogram picture I had been given earlier in the day.

"Neither did I!" I express, looking down at my little one's grainy image.

"Bet your parents can't wait to be grandparents. Mine were over the moon when my brother had a baby. Now, they're bugging me for one." She smiles at me, not knowing how touchy a subject my parents are these days.

After my ultrasound appointment, I really wanted to call my mom. I even started to dial my parent's number but hung up after putting some thought into it. My feelings have become further conflicted in the two weeks that have passed since our heated conversation. I figure it's best if we both take some time to cool off, and because of that, I put my phone away and drove to work with a heavy heart.

Thankfully, the chime above the door draws our attention, allowing me to avoid the conversation about my parents.

"Just the girl I'm lookin' for," a tall brunette, whom I haven't seen in ages, says as she saunters in, looking right at me.

"Heidi… long time no see." I return her smile and move towards her with open arms for a hug.

James didn't bring me around the people involved with the Volturi very often, but Felix and his wife, Heidi, were the exception.

When we part, her eyes travel downward to the small, yet prominent, baby bump between us.

"I was stopping by to see if the rumor's true, but what a waste of time." Her hand brushes across my belly as she speaks.

"What rumor?" I question her, puzzled as to what she's talking about.

"Oh girl… we've got so much to catch up on. Can you take a break?" Heidi inquires, gazing around the shop to see how crowded it is.

I'm torn between wanting to spend some time with her and saying no in order to keep my distance from someone who has ties to the Volturi. Laurent's deep voice echoes in the back of my mind, making the decision easier for me.

_You're his girl, so you're one of us._

"Let me go tell my boss. I'll be back in a sec." I get the pictures of my growing baby from Lauren, and place it upright on the mirror of my station. I take a moment to roam over every picture one last time, never tiring of looking at my little one. I can't help but smile thinking back to my appointment earlier in the day, already excited it's time to start picking out names and room décor.

As I expect, Esme is okay with me taking my lunch early but doesn't try to hide a wary look as I explain who showed up to see me.

Heidi and I make our way to a small café across the street and take the secluded table in the back for some privacy. We make small talk while we wait for our waitress. Heidi explains that she's been out of town visiting her parents for the past couple of months because of what happened back in August. I'm on the brink of tears when she says she's been thinking of me, and would have come by sooner if she hadn't been away in California.

As soon as our order is placed, I ask the question I've kept at bay since before we left the salon.

"What is this rumor about? I haven't heard anything."

"Of course you haven't, but it's about you, girlfriend!" Heidi's loud, high-pitched laugh fills the quiet café.

Her vivacious personality is something I always admired about her. You can't help but liven up in her presence, but as I process what's she saying, that energy is whisked away.

"Hey now, no need to freak out on me. I get it. Every girl has needs, and if her man isn't around to take care of them, someone else will," she states matter-of-factly.

"What the hell are you talking about, Heidi?"

"Hello… your baby bump. It didn't magically appear!" She gestures towards my stomach with quick hand movements.

I roll my eyes, chuckling at her excitement, which gives her an opportunity to continue talking. She leans towards me and with animated eyes, spills the reason she came to see me.

"Let's get real now. I've always liked you, so you're my girl. I'm gonna be straight up with you. James knows you've been messing around. That bitch, Gianna, you know, Demetri's skank, I guess she came into your shop and overheard you talking about the baby. Word on the street is you're knocked up… and it isn't James' baby."

My breath hitches in horror as soon as "_It isn't James' baby" _leaves her lips_. _

Heidi sits back in her chair after her long-winded confession and takes a sip of her drink, giving no indication she is fazed by this untruthful gossip.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me? Not James' baby?" I fume, completely appalled people think I'm cheating on him. "Of course, it's his!" I shout out louder than I intended.

"Hold up… it's really his? How?" she questions me.

"I'm six months pregnant. It happened right before he got picked up."

As I watch Heidi digests my declaration, I can tell she's doing the mental calculation to match up the timing.

At some point I realize she is only the second person outside the salon I've told I'm pregnant. It feels good to share my news, and it's even better that there won't be a conversation about how horrific it is that I'm having James' baby.

"Holy shit… you need to clear this up. I know for a fact that Felix has talked to James. They've been trying to figure out who you've been messing around with. Felix and some of the other boys plan to pay _him_ a visit." She laughs. I assume she's amused by the fact these men haven't only been gossiping but are pissed off over nothing.

I'm not sharing her humor though. Of course, I'm annoyed they'd think so low of me, but the news that James has talked to someone, who isn't me, stings a little. It doesn't help that I know I'm the one preventing myself from talking to him either.

"I'm sure you know I haven't spoke to James, then." I look down, watching my nervous fingers fiddle with the straw wrapper.

Her hand reaches out, covering mine. She gives it a little squeeze to get my attention but doesn't let go when I look up at her.

"Why haven't you?" Her tone is softer than normal. The sincerity of it engulfs me, making me feel comfortable enough to answer.

"I'm scared to," I respond honestly. Her eyes soften, but she remains quiet, waiting for me to explain further.

"Honestly, I don't know what to say to him, and I'm not talking about the baby. I know I should've told him already." I haven't received a letter from him in weeks, and now I know why.

"I'm so confused, Heidi. Even more so now. I want to act like him being in prison doesn't bother me, that when he gets out we can move on, and put all of this behind us. However, there's this part of me, a big part, that feels relieved that I'm not worrying about what he's up to every night. _That _part, and now the baby, confirms I can't go back to living that way. How do I explain all that to him? Especially, when I never had a problem with what he did before?"

She studies my face before answering me. "You know I grew up in this shit, so I don't know anything different. But as a mother, I understand what you're saying. I was scared shitless about everything when Alec came along, and you may not believe this, but Felix was ten times worst." She lets a low laugh out, trigging one from me.

"I'd never guess Felix would have a fear in the world."

"I know, right! My badass husband has a soft spot, though… his kid. And I can guarantee you, James will be the exact same way."

The waitress arrives, placing our plates in front of us. Her interruption gives me a welcome break to digest everything Heidi said.

Without any doubts in my mind, body or soul, I know there's nothing but truth behind Heidi's statement. I've never felt anything but safe with James, and there is no doubt he'd do everything in _his_ power to extend that feeling to our child. But, what if it's not enough someday? Him being locked up now is proof that his power only goes so far.

She eyes me cautiously until the waitress is out of sight, then picks up our conversation right where she left off. "_When_ he knows it's his baby… that is."

Her pointed look and accurate words cut straight to my heart. I've been such a bitch for keeping news of our baby from him. And now, he's thinking the worst on top of the struggles he's already having adjusting to being locked up. It doesn't matter how confused I am about us as a couple; James doesn't deserve to be left in the dark about his child any longer.

"I know I need to tell him," I say remorsefully.

"Girl, if you want to save some poor soul's life who happens to look at you a second too long in the grocery store, yes, you'll tell him. Soon." Her expression looks sad. "He's hurting bad, Vic. Hearing how desperate he is to hear from you alone hurts _me_. Please talk to him," Heidi pleads with me.

I nod my head, giving her some indication that I'll talk to James.

"Hate to say it to you, babe… you got a couple years to figure the rest out. You never know what can happen between now and then."

We both take a bite of our lunch, allowing an awkward silence to surround us. I can feel her eyes watching me as I keep my head down, focusing on my food and concentrating on everything we've spoken about.

_Maybe she's right._

Actually, I know she is. I've been too worried about the how things will work out between James and me in the future, that I'm not living in the moment. I need to spend more energy enjoying the positives in my life; I have a baby on the way, a job that I love, and people who've been supportive…. and James isn't dead. My life could be a lot worse.

My newfound revelation doesn't take away my fears, but it's time to start facing them or they'll never go away.

"You know you're right. I've been putting so much damn pressure on myself trying to figure everything out." I hang my head, slightly ashamed. "And in the mean time, I've made James think I've deserted him… in every way."

"No time like the present to get this shit cleared up. You may not know this yet, but preggos get away with A LOT… blame it all on the hormones." She stuffs a fry in her mouth, muffling a laugh.

I scoot back in my chair, straighten my back, and allow my shoulders to relax. The mood lightens between us as we catch up on lost time and about my excitement over having a baby. She shares tips with me on how to take care of a newborn and keep my sanity on minimal sleep.

While walking back to the salon, I bombard her with questions about childbirth. She stops us dead in our tracks, spins me to face her, and pointedly tells me I will not be alone, that she's going to be there for me every step of the way.

Not caring that we're blocking the sidewalk or who's watching, I pull her in a tight hug, repeatedly thanking her through tears of relief. Her declaration helps fill a huge void I've been carrying around.

Heidi's presence in my life in the last hour has broken down the fortress I've built around myself out of despair. Just like Esme, she's reminded me time is on my side and that I'll be the one who gets to dictate how everything plays out. More importantly, she's made me realize, once again, that I need to let people in.

It's time to clear everything up with James, to figure out how to let him back into my world, and to determine what role I want him to have in our lives.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading and reviewing. I love hearing your thoughts, especially the ones about wanting to hurt James. We'll see how long that lasts. * snickers***_

_**Photobucket has been updated with the characters that were introduced in this chapter, go check it.**_

_**http:/s1141(DOT)photobucket(DOT)com/albums/n586/JadedLadies/Criminal/**_


	7. Clarification

**Chapter Seven-Clarification **

_Let's start over_

_I'll try to do it right this time around_

_It's not over_

_'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground_

_This love is killing me_

_But you're the only one_

_It's not over_

_Taken all I could take_

_And I cannot wait_

_We're wasting too much time_

_Being strong, holding on_

_Can't let it bring us down_

_My life with you means everything_

_So I won't give up that easily_

_I'll blow it away, blow it away_

_Can we make this something good?_

_'Cause it's all misunderstood_

_Well, I'll try to do it right this time around_

_It's Not Over ~ Daughtry_

* * *

**February, 2012**

_Dear James,_

_Hope you're up for having a visitor on the 19th. I'm coming to see you._

_Love,_

_Tori_

"Seriously, that's what you wrote? To your boyfriend… whom you haven't seen in almost seven months?" Heidi falls back onto my bed in a fit of laugher. She's been relentlessly teasing me all day. Normally I'd mind, but it feels good to laugh again, even if it's at my own expense.

"Shut up. I was nervous. It took me forever to come up with that." I attempt to suppress my own laugh; it really was a lousy letter. I reach in my closet and start pulling clothes out to show Heidi the maternity outfits I recently purchased. When I turn around to show her, I explain what else had held me back from writing more in the letter. "I didn't want to get into any details about the baby, and I felt like no matter what I said, I would end up there."

"I wonder if he's freaking the fuck out that you're coming to see him? He hasn't called Felix in two weeks, so I don't know if he got your letter yet. Surely he's received it by now."

"Did you tell Felix I'm not the whore _you_ thought I was?" I narrow my eyes at her playfully.

"Hell no… it's fun to watch these men act like women. I'm telling you, the gossip they come up with… they're worse than women!" Another round of laughter escapes from both of us. When Heidi calms down, she pulls herself back up. "And, I thought this is something you needed to straighten out yourself, Vic."

"It is. Thanks for letting me handle it. I'm not sure he'll believe me now, but I can't keep it from him any longer."

"Enough with the serious shit… whatcha gonna wear to tease your man?" She mischievously waggles her eyebrows.

"Tease him? You're crazy! He'll be lucky if he can see my face clearly through the glass."

"Oh, my sweet, naïve friend... you'll be sitting at a table with him, no other barriers between you guys."

"Seriously?" I try to restrain the excitement at the thought of being close to James.

"Yes, honey, it's not 1918 anymore," Heidi replies sarcastically, earning herself an eye roll.

"Well, I don't know how these things work." I shrug, slightly embarrassed.

"That's why you got me, cupcake. So… back to the important question. What are you going to wear?"

**~Criminal~**

Each passing day I wait to see James seems to go by quicker than the last. Esme and Heidi have been a great distraction. I've had both of them occupying my time, not allowing me to dwell on anything other than work and the baby. That only works in their company though; my nights are consumed with thoughts of James. It's a vicious circle of asking myself the same questions.

_How will it feel to be close to him?_

_Will he accept that he's the baby's father?_

_When I look at him, will my heart skip a beat, like it always did before? _

_Was he right in his first letter when he said we can make it through this? Will I want to?_

I can't stop fiddling with the purple maternity dress Heidi convinced me to wear. The light material hugs every curve of my expanding body. I know I look respectable, but the tightness on my breasts and stomach make me feel uncomfortable.

_What if he hates the way I look?_

My phone rings, pulling my attention away from my outfit.

"Hello, Esme. No…I haven't changed my mind, and yes, I'm okay to drive to Airway Heights by myself," I manage to get out before she can get a word in.

I hear her sigh in defeat before answering me, "But it's over four hours away, each way. That's a long drive, sweetie."

"Yeah, it is, but I'll be fine. I'm sure I'll stop a million times to use the bathroom and eat." I chuckle, knowing I'm not exaggerating.

"But—" she starts again, making me cut her off immediately.

"No buts, Esme. Today is your day to spend time with Carlisle. You owe him for working late on Valentine's Day," I say pointedly.

"Swear you'll text me when you get there and when you're on your way home?"

" Yes, mother, I'll check in," I tease her.

"I just... I worry about you, honey."

"I know you do, and I love you even more for it. Now get off this phone and go see what your hubby has planned for you. I'll text, call, and send smoke signals along the way, just for you." My smile grows from teasing her.

Esme isn't that much older than me but has taken on a motherly role in my life. I didn't realized how much I'd been craving that until she took me under her wings. Having this special bond with her makes me miss my own mom.

"Be careful… and I don't mean only on the drive," Esme replies adamantly.

Both Heidi and Esme offered to ride with me, but I want to do this by myself. The drive will be long, but I'm hoping the quietness in the car will settle my nerves, giving me time to mentally prepare to see James.

"Will do. I'm walking out the door now. Byeeee."

I check the mirror one last time and grab my purse. The short walk to my car is excruciating. Anxiety weaved together with excitement flows to every point in my body, impossibly increasing with each step I take.

_There's no turning back once I get to the car._

My fingers drum against the steering wheel as I maneuver through the light traffic. It appears everyone is on a Sunday stroll; the delay causes irritation to surpass my nervousness.

The final light before the freeway entrance is red when I approach. I pull a hand away from the steering wheel and begin rubbing my stomach. The flutters and tiny kicks lead me to believe the baby is just as nervous as I am.

"Time to meet your daddy, little one. I hope he's ready for us," I say out loud, knowing my statement is more for myself than the baby.

_**~Criminal~**_

A guard calls the room to order. "Take a seat. We have some rules to go over before you enter the visitation room."

I thought the four and a half hour drive was going to be long, but it doesn't compare to the fifteen minutes I've been seated, watching the clock slowly tick away. Just like everything else here, they're meticulous about the visitation procedures.

"We have strict guidelines here at Airway Heights Correctional Center in order to maintain your safety, as well as the inmates'. Every rule will be enforced.

"When you enter the visitation room, you'll find inmates already occupying a designated table, waiting for you. You're allowed to greet them with a kiss or hug. However, it needs to brief. After your greeting, you're required to take a seat across from the inmate. Do not try to sit on the same side of the table."

He pointedly stares around the room, but I feel as if he's directing the rules at me.

"Visitors with children: inmates will be allowed to keep physical contact with children throughout the visit. We encourage it, actually; it benefits the child as well as the inmate. Adults are allowed to hold hands with the inmate, but your hands must be visible at all times.

"There will be multiple guards present at all times, and they will not hesitate to remove you, should a rule be broken."

Their relaxed rules for children make me wonder how it's going to be when I bring the baby here. This will be the place where James holds our baby for the first time, where he'll remain when we return home.

I bite my lip and blink my eyes as I try not to cry. Being here makes the reality of our situation all the more visible; James won't be a part of the first years of our child's life.

_He's going to be devastated. _

"You'll be given a five-minute warning before your visitation concludes. Goodbyes need to be said before leaving your table. The inmate is required to remain seated until you depart. Any questions?" The guard takes a breath for the first time. He glances around the room, waiting for someone to speak up but no one does.

I replay everything he just said, wanting to memorize the rules so nothing can ruin my time with James.

"Very well. Please stand up and file into a line. We'll be going through the door behind me."

Eager visitors push their way to the front, while I take my time joining the line. I run my hands along my dress one last time, giving them something to do. My feet begin to shuffle back and forth waiting for the door to open.

When it does, I hold my breath and begin to walk.

My eyes scan the frigid room. Not only is it freezing in here, the painted brick walls are bare. It's stark and uninviting, but I could care less; my only concern is to locate James. My eyes move from one seated face to another. Apprehension rises each time I'm met with an unfamiliar stare.

_Maybe he doesn't want to see me and refused my visit?_

Just as I start to panic, wondering if my thought is the truth, my eyes land on him near the back of the room.

The cross glare on his face and his slouched posture tells me the mood he's in before I even approach him. I maneuver around the tables making my way towards him. James' eyes leave mine, traveling to my stomach where they remain until I'm standing in front of him.

"Hey," I nervously say, just above a whisper.

His harsh eyes look up at me, but he doesn't move from his seated position to greet me. Instead, he flings his arm over the back of his chair and huffs, looking straight ahead.

I slide into the seat across the table from him as gracefully as I can. His quietness pains me and puts me further on edge. I've dreamt about this moment for months, and never in those fantasies did I expect to feel like I was inconveniencing my boyfriend.

It's apparent the families surrounding us are ecstatic as they exchange hugs and kisses. The affection being shown to everyone in the room except me is unsettling.

"If you don't want to see me, I'll go." I reach to pull my purse off the floor, saddened that it's come to this between us.

James' hand reaches across the table so quickly that I don't register his movement until his hand is holding mine down.

"Don't leave. We need to talk." His husky voice is firm, keeping me in my place.

Even with the bitterness of his words, James' voice is music to my ears. I've missed hearing it call out to me or tell me how much I mean to him.

"Okay," I respond, feeling relieved. Being so close to him makes me crave his attention, but the need to clear up the misunderstanding between us takes precedence.

James' hand slowly retreats to his side of the table, and the loss of his warmth causes me to shiver. My body is desperate to feel his touch once again.

With time looming over my head as well as the knowledge this conversation won't get any better until I tell him the truth, I reach into my purse pulling out the small picture I've brought for him.

My heart begins to pound as I look towards the guard who's discretely watching us and raise the picture so he can see what I'm about to give to James.

With a slight nod as his approval, I slide the picture across the table until it's in front of him.

Time stops when he finally pries his skeptical eyes from mine and looks down.

"Why the fuck would I want to see this?" James' question comes out more like a statement while his hand pushes the picture away.

"I know about the _rumor_ Gianna started, but that's exactly what it is… _a rumor_. Look at the date listed in the left hand corner. What does it say?" I ask, hoping that he'll follow my direction without reluctance.

James' eyes roam across the picture; his jaw tightens, and I see the muscles in his neck tense. Finally, he looks to where I directed him. Instead of reacting right away, he studies the picture intensely.

He looks up at me but says nothing. His eyes have softened and are screaming for some clarification.

"See the top date…that's the date they assume _we_ conceived. And the bottom date, that's the due date. May seventh is forty weeks from August fourteenth." My confidence spikes as I explain, knowing he has to believe me now.

James looks back and forth between the picture and me several times. His mouth opens to say something, but words never form. I can't help but smile at his perplexed expression. My eyes start to cloud, knowing he's digesting the news that he's going to be a daddy.

"It's mine." He strains to get out in a low tone that's overflowing with emotion.

I nod my head for confirmation, just as tears spill from my eyes.

"Baby…" James whines, reaching for my hand again. His touch sends tingles up my arms.

"I'm so sorry… I should've…. told you sooner," I choke out my apology, reaching for a Kleenex with my free hand.

Despite the tears of regret streaming down my face, I feel lighter. This secret has been weighing on my mind and heart for months. Sharing it with James takes away a small piece of the burden I've been feeling.

"I don't know what to say, Tori, and I had a whole fucking lot to say to you today, too." He chuckles sarcastically.

"It's a lot to take in. It took me awhile to believe it myself." The shame I've had from keeping this from him for so long makes itself known, reminding me that I'm the reason he thought the baby was someone else's.

He acknowledges me with a nod and looks down, pulling the picture closer to him.

"I have to ask you though, how could you believe I was cheating on you? After everything we've been through…" I trail off, unable to finish speaking.

I let go of his hand to wipe away my tears, but there's really no point as they continue spilling out too quickly. I've repeatedly asked myself that question, but it wasn't until now, sitting in front of him, I figured out the answer…He must not trust me.

"Baby, please stop crying… I'm sorry, T. You gotta look at it from my point of view. You _wouldn't_ talk to me, no one has seen you around, and then when they do, you're pregnant." He sits forward, extending his reach as far as allowed as he tries to grab my hand again. I allow him to take it, continuing to stare at him until his voice softens to explain what he really thought. "I figured you finally gave up on me and moved on."

James' revelation upsets me further to the point I'm inconsolable. I hear his pleas for me to calm down, but they fall by the wayside.

"Everything okay over here?" A guard asks, vigilantly looking between me and James.

"I'm fine…sorry." My voice is shaky, but I do my best to calm myself down, scared that my outburst will end our visit prematurely. "Pregnancy hormones," I offer as an excuse, motioning to our baby bump.

The guard returns to his station, needing no additional explanation.

Needing a distraction, I ask James how he's been. The question earns me a piercing look, but he appeases me and starts listing off the things that make his days manageable.

While he's speaking, I eye his upper body but linger on his thinner face. Red-rimmed eyes that are slightly swollen, give away how tired he is. I don't dare to ask why. I imagine that being in prison wears a person down. From what Heidi's told me, it doesn't matter who you are or know, life behind these walls is almost unbearable. It's not what the prisoners are physically living through; it's what's happening mentally that takes the spark out of them.

Our conversation flows into mundane topics until my job comes up. I tell him about how close Esme and I have gotten, and how Heidi swooped back into my life, knocking me off my feet. He expresses how grateful he is that I have people helping me out. However, his irritation towards my parents' increases as I explain how my mom took the news she was going to be a grandma. As I talk about what's been happening back home, James' mood continues to sour. I don't even have to question why; his anger is directed towards himself, not me.

An announcement is made that our time is coming to an end before I'm ready to leave his side.

I try to keep my sadness hidden, not wanting to spend our last couple of minutes together in tears. I know it will only make my departure tougher on the both of us.

As I begin to stand, our hands open from the embrace we were sharing. Our fingers leisurely slide against each other, savoring the final seconds they have to connect.

James remains seated as he's required to do but his body is twitching, wanting to stand with me.

James holds up the sonogram picture, waiting for me to take it, but I shake my head instead of reaching for it.

"I can keep this?" His lips form the smallest of smiles, making my heart flutter from his acceptance.

"Of course. He's your son, too."

Shock briefly washes over his face, but his beaming eyes and bright smile make it disappear.

"It's a… boy. We're having a son!" James' arm extends, seeking to touch my stomach until the guard standing close by clears his throat, reminding us of the rules.

I laugh at his shocked expression, nodding my head in answer.

"Time's up. Proceed to the exit now, please."

Matching frowns take away our smiles, the joyful moment gone immediately.

"Love you," I whisper, not trusting my voice.

James returns the sentiment, and I turn to walk away from him, feeling lonelier than before.

I reluctantly follow the slow-paced line filled with melancholy people like myself, until I reach the checkout desk.

"Your visitor's badge, please." I unclip it from the neckline of my dress and hand it over to the woman behind the counter.

She takes it from me, giving me a weak smile, and says, "Have a safe drive home, ma'am."

I linger in front of her long enough for her to raise an eyebrow, questioning my reluctance to leave.

"Where do I go to set up an inmate's phone privileges?"


	8. Surrounded

**Chapter Eight-Surrounded**

_The struggles I'm facing_

_The chances I'm taking_

_Sometimes might knock me down, but_

_No I'm not breaking_

_I may not know it, but_

_These are the moments that_

_I'm gonna remember most_

_I've just gotta keep goin', and_

_I gotta be strong_

_Just keep pushing on, 'cause_

_There's always gonna be another mountain_

_I'm always gonna wanna make it move_

_Always gonna be an uphill battle_

_Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose_

_Ain't about how fast I get there_

_Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side_

_It's the climb_

_The Climb ~ Miley Cyrus_

* * *

**March, 2012**

_Hey T,_

_I'm the biggest jackass and fuck up of a dad already. I was so caught up in straightening out the bullshit with you today I didn't think to ask about the little man until you were gone._

_Is he growing okay? Everything where it should be? _

_Shit… this is too fucking hard. I've been going fucking crazy because I'm not with you, and now, I'm losing my damn mind. I fucked up so bad. How's he ever going to forgive me for being locked up when he's born? _

_I got to go blow off some steam in the gym._

_J_

I remember how he used to blow off steam. With me. _Stupid pregnancy hormones_.

_Babe,_

_I'm an even bigger jackass than I thought I was a couple of days ago. I forgot to tell you how beautiful you looked in my last letter. I should've told you that when you were here. I sure in the hell was thinking about how good you looked._

_I love you. I know it's a long ass drive but please come see me again soon. An hour wasn't enough. I need you, Tori. I miss you so fucking much. _

_J_

I miss him, too. I just wish he were here to be a part of everything.

_Hey Baby Mama,_

_Like your new nickname? _

_What do you think he's going to be like? Do you think he'll look like me or have your red hair? Let's hope not. I don't want him getting picked on. Just kidding, baby! You know I love your hair. It's what caught my attention the first time I saw you… and your lips, tits, ass, eyes… okay, everything about you called to me. _

_I can't stop thinking about him. God help us all if he's a troublemaker like me. Fuck… he better take after you. But what if he doesn't, T? I don't think I can handle that shit. I know how hard this life is. _

_Do you think he'll like baseball? I've always wanted a son to throw a ball around with, like my best friend's dad did with him when we were young._

_He's one lucky little man to have you for a mama. Hopefully that makes up for having me as his dad._

_Can you send me a picture of you? I bet he's grown so much since I saw you._

_Love you. Tell the little man I love him, too. _

_J_

_**~Criminal~**_

I remove my hand from my stomach long enough to stuff James' latest letter back into the envelope. My hands grip it a beat longer than necessary, unwilling to lose this part of him. The prison went on a lock down two weeks after my visit and his letters are my only connection to him these days. At times, I feel powerless against the unsettling feelings that once again, I'm sitting around waiting on him.

When I start to go stir-crazy, consumed with worry, it's his letters that calm me down. Each one reminds me of the reasons why I love him, and that deep down he has a heart of gold, even if it only emerges for me, and now with our son.

"Oh, we have smiles today, Lauren. It's our lucky day!" Esme teases as she passes by my station.

"I haven't been that bad, have I?" I timidly ask.

"Umm no…you've been very pleasant to be around." Lauren muffles a laugh as she sweeps around me.

"Sorry, I've been so uncomfortable lately. I'm running out of room for the little man."

"Awww how sweet. You've got a nickname for him now," she continues cleaning up while I swing my chair in her direction.

"Actually, it's James' nickname for him, but it's starting to stick."

"Sounds like he's excited about becoming a daddy." Laurens stops sweeping near her station and her weary eyes look up at me, waiting to see how I react.

Esme makes her way over to us. I wait for her to take the seat next to me before I broach the subject of James' reaction to the baby, wanting to reassure them both.

"He's become infatuated with him. I received a letter from him every day until the lockdown and each one was mainly about the baby. I'm glad it gives James something positive to focus on. He needs it."

_I'm hoping it gives him an incentive to change his life, too. _

"So, I assume you were just reading a letter from him and that's why you're beaming? It's a good look on you. Stick with it, not the scowl you had tainting your pretty face the other day. It was scary." Esme winks, causing me to feel bashful for being moody lately.

I've been doing a lot of reading about pregnancy the past couple of weeks. Heidi gave me a book that she refers to as "The Pregnancy Bible." It's comforting to have a resource to look up every ache and pain, as well as getting reassurance that my mood swings are normal. The girls at the shop might disagree with that, though; they've had to deal with me be being short with them.

"I'm sorry, I know I've been a pain in the ass lately."

"Let me be the first to babysit and I'll forgive you." Esme's eager smile touches me even though her request isn't needed; I wouldn't have it any other way.

_**~Criminal~**_

"Hello," I stammer into the phone, my voice thick from sleeping soundly.

"Get your cute, pregnant ass up. We got somewhere to be today, woman," Heidi commands with authority.

"It's Sunday. There's nowhere I need to be today but in my bed."

"I'll be there at eleven o'clock, so I suggest you be up and presentable. Lata."

The phone line goes dead before I can protest. I peel one eye open to see how much time she allotted me.

Knowing if I close my eyes I'll go back to sleep, I reluctantly pull back my comforter and shiver after being assaulted by the chill in the air.

"I'm going to kick her ass if I'm getting out of bed this early for no good reason," I grumble to myself and force my heavy body up and into the shower.

I take my time being massaged by heated water, sluggishly waking up as the warmth trickles down my body. I manage to shave where my arms are able to still reach and condition my hair twice.

I shut off the shower, feeling refreshed and ready to tackle anything Heidi is dragging me off to do.

The distant sound of my phone ringing causes me to rush out of the bathroom before completely drying off.

I curse Heidi for calling again as my skin prickles from the drips of my wet hair. Not bothering to look at the screen, I pick up the phone. "I'm up, Heidi!"

"Mmmm… I wish I was up too, but we'll save that for another phone call, T." A husky voice purrs into the phone.

"James!" His name comes out with a gasp, as I'm stunned to hear him on the line.

"I'll pretend you got it right on the first try and didn't call me Heidi." He chuckles, the easiness in his voice triggers a smile from me.

"I…I didn't expect a call from you so soon." My legs become shaky from the excitement and the cold, and I take a seat on my bed, "_How_ are you calling?"

"Things have calmed down around here." His tone is flat, not giving away anything about what occurred at the prison.

I close my eyes, savoring every word he says, relieved that he's calling and more so that he's safe.

"I'm glad." My simple statement masks the concerns I'm harboring.

"Better get used to hearing from me, babe. Now that you'll talk to me, I plan to call as much as I can."

"_Poor_, Felix. He's gonna miss your gossip sessions," I exaggerate while trying to keep a straight face.

"He'll get over it. Now tell me about my little man and my baby mama?"

After updating him on the baby, our conversation is filled with the banter that has always flowed effortlessly between us. It's reassuring that our connection continues to come naturally for both of us.

"Baby, my time is up… I gotta go. I'm sorry I can't be there today, but I hope it's great." The melancholy tone in his voice wipes the smile off my face.

I don't bother to ask what he means by his comment that he's sorry he can't be here today since I know our time is limited. I'd like to believe he feels that way every day.

Each emotion stimulates another and before I know it, I'm battling between missing him and worried that I'm letting my guard down too quickly.

At the same time, I don't want to push him away.

"I love you. Call me soon?" I ask, hopeful that it won't be a long stretch between calls. After getting the thrill of hearing his voice, I crave it even more.

"As much as I can. Love you!" James quickly gets out just as the line goes dead.

I remain huddled in my towel, staring at the phone, as I digest the exhilaration and desolation his call has brought on. For the first time all morning, I'm thankful Heidi woke me up and will no doubt keep me busy today.

_**~Criminal~**_

After Heidi arrives and convinces me to change into a casual dress, we aimlessly drive around down town until she pulls up in front of the salon.

"Why are we here? You do know we're closed on Sundays, right?" I question.

She unbuckles her seatbelt. Her body shifts towards me momentarily then back towards the door.

"Umm because… I think I left something here when I came to see you the other day." Trying to recall the last time she visited me, I watch Heidi as she fidgets with the visor mirror before her hand jets to the door handle.

Her odd behavior continues as she takes meticulous steps towards the entrance. I remain quiet, trying to figure out what's gotten into her.

Right before I reach for the door she mumbles, "Better put on your happy face."

"What?" I turn to look at her, scrunching my face.

"Just open the door." Heidi tilts her head, rolls her eyes and gestures towards the handle.

Her stance is firm as we stare at one another. I finally give in with a huff and open the door.

"Surprise!" echoes from all around the room.

I take a step backwards, bumping into Heidi. She whispers in my ear, "Told ya to smile."

Standing in front of me is the staff of the salon, as well as couple of other women who don't look familiar but are staring back at me with genuine grins. My eye catches Esme, who's beaming with happiness.

"Who are these women?" I murmur out of the side of my mouth, attempting to be discreet.

"They're _the_ girls. Well, only the ones cool enough to associate with me." She laughs. "Now, let's go make you some new friends."

She pulls at my arm, dragging me towards the waiting group. After a round of hugs from my co-workers, she introduces me to Chelsea, Maria, and Nettie. They greet me warmly, complimenting me on how great I look.

I force a smile on my face. Their kindness is appreciated, but it feels odd coming from strangers.

I eye the shop, taking in the green décor and tiny baby leprechauns around the room.

"Heidi came up with a cute theme, huh?" Esme joins me, placing a hand on my stomach.

"It's cute and perfect timing with St. Patrick's Day yesterday."

She pats my shoulder. "Enjoy your shower, honey. You deserve it."

I open up my arms up. Her never-ending support astonishes me a little bit more every day.

"Thank you for helping, for everything you do for me," I whisper in her ear, feeling suddenly emotional, as she steps into my hug.

"You're like one of my own, Victoria." Esme places a kiss on my cheek then steps away to mingle.

We part ways when Clare calls the room to attention. She pairs people into groups of two for the games. I end up with Maria, who makes small talk while we wait to get started. She tells me her husband's name. It sounds familiar, but I don't say so. Instead, I listen as she speaks about her two kids, both boys, and how they keep her busy.

_Before long, my little man will be keeping me on my toes._

With each new game, we change partners, allowing me time to get to know the other women I've never met. Just like Maria, they all share stories of their families with the mention play-dates in the future.

Nothing is ever mentioned about how we're all connected, but knowing how we're tied to one another is oddly reassuring. These women all seem reputable; they've managed to survive having kids in a less than desirable situation, and yet, they all seem happy.

They're proof that good things can still happen in a world filled with corruption.

After we've entertained ourselves with games, I take a seat, watching everyone interact as if they're long lost friends. It dawns on me there is one person missing from the party—my mom.

She has always wanted grandchildren, and it feels awful knowing she's pushing away her only opportunity.

"Having fun?" Heidi asks, bringing me out of my thoughts as she slides a plate into my hands and takes a seat next to me.

"It's a great shower. Thank you for planning it and for inviting your friends. I like them. They must be pretty cool to come to a complete stranger's shower."

I don't mention my thoughts about my mom's absence, not wanting to appear ungrateful for who's in attendance. We haven't spoke since I hung up on her two months ago. I don't plan on her supporting my pregnancy in any way, but her absence at this milestone in my life is hurtful.

"They're one of us, babe. They know how it is." Heidi looks at me meaningfully. She doesn't need to elaborate. I know exactly what's she's trying to convey.

I pick at the food on my plate, impressed that they managed to plan a menu around a particular color.

"How do you like the decorations?" she asks, changing the subject.

"Green is a great color!" I laugh not knowing what else to say about the theme she chose. "I've never seen a baby shower with a St. Patrick's Day theme."

"Pretty damn unique, huh?" Her pride is noticeable with the excitement she's exhibiting. Heidi takes a bite of her lettuce wrap, chewing slowly while nodding her head, making me curious what has her concentrating so hard.

I recognize the instant her thoughts come together. Heidi's eyes widen, full of elation. In a serious, yet playful tone, she explains her thoughts, "I think having a baby is like finding the pot of gold."

I nod my head to agree, sincerely impressed with her analogy but wondering if that's all she came up with in her minutes of concentration. Just as I expected, it wasn't.

"And, of course," she exaggerates in a true Heidi fashion, "you're boy is gonna need _all_ the luck he can get with me in his life!"

We both break out into hysterics. There is no denying her statement is true.

By the time gifts are opened and I'm full of chocolate cake, I feel dead on my feet with an aching back. I make my way around the room one last time, thanking everyone for coming.

I'm bursting with gratitude as I assist with Heidi piling gifts into the back seat of her car. The generosity bestowed upon me today, is overwhelming. I choke back tears pondering how I've gone from feeling absolutely alone to being surrounded by supportive friends.

There's no longer a reason to doubt that I can manage having this baby by myself. These women have shown me that I won't be on my own; I have them.


	9. Reason

**Chapter Nine-Reason**

_Lying close to you feeling your heart beating_

_And I'm wondering what you're dreaming_

_Wondering if it's me you're seeing_

_Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together_

_I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever, forever and ever_

_I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith_

* * *

**April, 2012**

My hand glides over a soft blue blanket as I fold a mountain of laundry, finding pleasure for the first time doing a mundane chore. The tinniest pair of socks I've ever seen come next, and it makes me wonder how little he's going to be. Onesies, shirts, and pants follow, all just as small as the other pieces. I take my time handling each one, envisioning what _my _little man is going to look like wearing them.

_He needs a name. _

I start murmuring potential names out loud, seeing what sounds best for the little man. Each name I say sounds okay and goes with James' last name, but nothing feels like the perfect fit until a random one pops into my head.

_Hunter._

I rub my active stomach. "What do you think, little man? Are you a Hunter?"

He responds with a perfectly timed kick, making me laugh.

"Let's see what your daddy has to say about it, but _I _agree with you. You're a Hunter!"

When all the tiny clothes are put away in the plastic rolling bin I'll be using for a dresser, I go out onto my balcony for some fresh air with a pad of paper and pen in hand.

My apartment faces the street, allowing me survey the park across from my building. Spring is blossoming; trees are no longer bare, and colorful flowers are blooming. It's hard to believe how fast time has sailed by during my pregnancy and that James has been in prison for close to nine months. Since his phone calls have become more regular, my anxiety level has decreased considerably. James kept his promise. He calls me as much as he's allowed to, and exchanging letters helps fill the gaps when he can't. I love receiving them; the James' only I know appears with each note. Of course, he cusses like crazy, and there is no doubt that his hard exterior is still present. With me, though, he knows he can let his guard down and does so.

Wanting to beat the mailman, I pick up my pen, eager to jot a quick note to James.

_Hi!_

_I've been sitting here thinking about the little man, and it's time we give him a name. Little Man Colton would get him picked on way more than my red hair will. LOL_

_I've run a couple names by him, and we agree he wants to be named Hunter. What do you think, daddy? Do you like it?_

_I was also thinking I'd like his middle name to be James, so he always has a little piece of you with him. Are you comfortable with that? I know it's a family name, but I'm not sure if you'd want it passed down._

_I love you lots and miss you even more! _

_Tori_

_**~Criminal~**_

**May, 2012**

I finally decide to go on maternity leave a week before my due date. Esme has been harping at me lately about overdoing it, and while I know she's probably right, I have nothing else to do besides work. Sitting around in my empty apartment isn't an option. Time slows to an agonizing crawl, and I have to keep my mind occupied or I'll start to worry. Thankfully, today I'll have a short distraction finishing up the last preparations for the baby.

A twinge in my back startles me, and I abruptly stop walking. I rub the spot that's aching. The pain vanishes quickly, and I go back to the task of answering the door.

"Hey, Vic," Felix greets me, his arms loaded down with slabs of wood. "I was told to deliver this today. Hope it's a good time." He studies me closely, giving me a wary smile.

His odd expression causes me to look down at my ragged shirt and sweat pants. It's the only comfortable clothes I have left, but I didn't think I looked _that_ bad in them.

"Yeah, now is good. Sorry, I'm a little slow getting going this morning." My hands trail down my shirt, feeling self-conscious about my appearance.

"No worries." He gets a better grip on the wood and walks through the door. After I close it behind him, I lead him into the bedroom.

I evaluate the furniture in my room, figuring out how to make the best use of the cramped quarters. "I was thinking the crib could go in the far corner. It's really the only place that it will fit."

"Cool. Let me go get the rest out of the truck and get started." His eyebrows scrunch, and it appears he wants to say more but doesn't.

Standing for a couple minutes has caused the ache in my back to return. I wince a little, immediately placing my hands on my lower back for extra support.

"Just leave the door open. It will be easier for you to come and go. I'm going to go sit down. The baby must not be happy with me today." I pat my stomach, noticing it feels tighter than normal.

Felix's wary gaze reappears. Again I get the feeling he's hesitating to say something but ends up remaining quiet as he leaves the room.

I take a seat on my bed, figuring he'd like some company. Even with my back against the frame for support, I feel uncomfortable.

When Felix returns, he gets to work quickly, but he keeps our conversation going.

"Are you ready for the baby?" Felix asks, laying out the pieces and screwing them together. It took me awhile to feel comfortable with him again, but his apology for stirring up drama about the baby not being James', helped me get past the awkwardness between us

"As ready as I can be, I guess. He has diapers and clothes. Hopefully he won't need much more," I respond with a nervous chuckle.

My budget will be pretty tight with the added cost of paying for daycare. Thankfully, between the shower gifts and the items Heidi and Felix are loaning me, we'll be set for a while.

Felix responds, but his words don't register. The aching in my back radiates along my side until it reaches my tightening stomach.

_What the hell is going on? I don't recall sleeping weird last night._

No longer able to sit through the discomfort, I tread around the room as the crib starts to come together. By the time Felix stands, checking to make sure the rails slide as they're supposed to, I can barely stand up straight.

Felix notices my slouched position, drops his tool and comes to my side. "Are you okay, Vic?" He reaches out to take my arm and leads me back to the bed.

"I'm not sure. I've had these weird pains all day, but I think they're getting worse." I groan as another pain rips through my upper body. I close my eyes, waiting for the discomfort to ease up.

"Shit, I knew something wasn't right when I got here," Felix mumbles. "I'm gonna call Heidi right now." His voice is edgy as the words rush out of his mouth.

My eyes snap open as I hear Felix feverishly pressing the keys on his phone. He's pacing in front of me, with one hand in his hair while he holds the phone to his ear.

_He looks as uncomfortable as I feel. _

"Babe, you need to get over here right now. I'm pretty sure Vic's in labor."

_**~Criminal~**_

"I didn't even realize I was in labor. How am I going to know when something's wrong with him?" I wail, feeling emotional and naïve about what happened earlier at my apartment.

Five hours of slow progressing labor is starting to take its toll on me. A whirlwind of emotion is spinning out of control internally, causing me to dwell on random things.

Heidi and Esme do their best to console me. One is rubbing my back while the other brushes a wet cloth against the heated skin of my forehead.

Their touch brings relief from the discomfort my body is enduring, but the urge to maneuver away from them is strong; it's not their comfort I'm seeking.

A fresh round of tears wells up, spilling out steadily from the guilt that's brewing and from wanting both James and my mom here.

My gratitude towards Esme and Heidi sheds some light onto the situation. I'm not alone, and it's because of _their_ everlasting support.

"Victoria." My nurse appears by my bedside. "Let's check and see how you're doing. Then, if you'd like we can put the order in for an epidural."

"Okay," I croak, willing to do whatever is necessary to get some relief from my pain.

I close my eyes, bearing through the painful exam.

"You've made great progress, and you're at five centimeters. Let's get the anesthesiologist in here, and then you can try to get some sleep. You'll need all your energy when it comes time to push."

After she retreats from the room, Heidi and Esme reappear, continuing their encouragement while we wait.

It doesn't take long for the anesthesiologist to come in and minutes after he administers the epidural, I feel more relaxed than I have all day.

"Gonna… take a …na-" My speech is slurring, and my eyes are shut before I finish speaking.

Instead of entering a deep slumber, I'm stuck in the middle of resting and daydreaming. My body is flaccid; I can move my limbs if I try, but it feels good to remain motionless. My mind, however, is the complete opposite; it's running a mile a minute. I'm in deep thought about how every minute that passes I'm one step closer to seeing my baby. I strain to visualize what my son will look like. Before I can comprehend the excitement I'm feeling over meeting him, my thoughts shift to James, wondering what's he doing right now, if he has any inkling that today is the day we'll become parents. While I make out his form in a jail cell, my thoughts morph to my mom. She always said my parents wanted a son. Now, they'll have a grandson that they've rejected before even meeting him. I can see her face beaming with pride as she holds a small child in her arms. Too bad that will just remain a dream.

The relaxed state I'm in is dwindling, and agitation swells as I think about everything that's casting gloom over me.

_It shouldn't be like this._

I feel my body shift. My arms and legs are moving, but my eyelids are too heavy to open.

"Victoria. You're okay. We're right here," Esme coos into my ear, calming me with her sweet voice and gentle touch.

I fight against the heaviness and manage to slowly open my eyes. It takes some time for my blurred vision to clear, but when it does, I'm met with two weak smiles.

"Hey," I mutter, still disoriented.

"It didn't look like you were sleeping too soundly. Were you having a bad dream?" Esme asks, straightening out my rumpled blankets.

Just as I was about to explain how bizarre my visions were, the nurse walks in.

"Sleeping Beauty has awakened and perfect timing, too. Based on what I see on the monitor, I'd say we're close to delivering this baby."

"R…r…really?" I stutter, stunned that I could make that much progress while dozing.

"Mmmhmm. That's an advantage to getting an epidural; it relaxes you enough to allow your body to do its job. Now let's see if I'm right."

Right she was; I was fully dilated. Before I can bat an eye, several other nurses float in and out of the room, setting up the warming machine and breaking down my bed.

I can feel my breathing picking up as I watch everything being prepared.

Heidi and Esme sense my nervousness and stick close to my side despite all the activity in the room. When it is time to start pushing, they're directed to stand on either side of me.

"One, two, three… keep going, you can do this, Victoria. Eight, nine, ten." With my chin to my chest, eyes set on a focal point, I listen for directions from my doctor and attempt to tune everything else out.

My focus stays on the task at hand, pushing against the pressure, knowing it's the only way to stop it. My breathing has become ragged in between pushes. A bead of sweat is forming on my forehead, explaining how flushed my skin feels from the exertion.

I repeatedly chant to myself that I can endure this temporary pain. I've been strong enough to surpass the emotional agony I've endured the past nine months. This physical pain can't break me.

That theory empowers me until the doctor tells me to pant, that I'll be delivering with the next push.

"I can't do this… It shouldn't be like this. He should be here with me!" I weep uncontrollably. I know the moment I've been waiting for is here, but the thought of experiencing it frightens the hell out of me, especially without James by my side.

"Look at me!" Heidi demands, bringing her face close to mine.

I turn my head toward her, attempting to calm my sniffles enough to hear what she has to say.

"Yes, you can." Her voice is stern yet not intimidating. "You're one of the strongest women I know, Vic. I'm serious, too. Forget about James. You're going to push this baby out and become Hunter's mother. That's _all_ that matters!"

I nod my head, contemplating if I actually believe what she's saying, but I'm powerless against the need to push.

I grit my teeth, stifling a groan, and gather every ounce of energy I have left.

When a piercing cry fills the room, my body slumps back into the bed, and I release joyful tears for the first time today.

Heidi and Esme's faces match my own as we watch my son being placed on my belly. I tentatively reach out, and when my hand connects with his warm skin, my world instantly shifts.

_He is the only person I need._

"Does this little fella have a name?" A nurse asks as she wipes down my son's goopy body.

"Hunter James," I breathlessly answer. Saying it aloud while admiring the boy it belongs to makes my heart clench.

_It fits him perfectly. _

"James will be ecstatic that you're using his name," Esme voices.

Too wrapped up in my son, I don't respond. James already knows our son's name and is overjoyed it's being carried on despite the tainted history it plays in his life. James said it is time to be given to a boy that will bring the name some honor, unlike his predecessors.

"Let's get this boy weighed and wrapped up for you, Mommy. Then you can try and feed him."

The nurse whisks Hunter away. My eyes follow her every movement. In the few minutes he's been here, I already feel an intense need to protect him.

"I'll go with him, mama bear." Heidi pats my arm, trailing closely behind the nurse.

Soon, a swaddled blue blanket with a tiny, rosy face peeking out is returned to me. My arms tighten around him. Even with barriers between us, I feel at ease the minute he snuggles against my chest.

Tears begin to stream down my face as the as the weight of what's transpired in the past half hour sinks in.

_This is my son, and he's the light in my dark world._

"He's beautiful, Vic. And his cute little head is covered with blonde fuzz," Heidi informs me. She knows my longing for James to be nearby, and although he's not here physically, he is present within our son.

"Okay, Mom. I think we should try and feed your boy." The nurse comes to my side, ready to assist me in breast-feeding. Not knowing what I'm doing, I slowly start to unbutton my gown but, all of a sudden, I feel self-conscious.

"I'm gonna give you two some time alone and go home to make sure my kid got fed, but I'll be back before visiting hours are over." Heidi bends down and kisses Hunter's tiny head before doing the same to mine.

"Oh, I need to check in with the salon. Let me follow you out," Esme chimes in. "I'll call and check on you later."

I absently say my goodbyes, somewhat uneasy about being alone with Hunter so soon, but I know this will be the first of numerous times that it will be just the two of us.

After a failed attempt to get my son to eat and an emotional outburst from me, the nurse says she'll return in awhile so we can give it another try. Fatigue is setting in, the demand to sleep is consuming every part of my body, but I'm hesitant to part with my son.

I pepper kisses on Hunter's chubby cheeks before placing him in the bassinet, pulling it flush with my bed. After slowly lying down, I turn to face him. Unable to resist having some type of contact with him, I reach out and place my hand on Hunter's tiny body to feel his chest rise and fall. I watch his fluttering eyelids and wonder what's making them move and what he's thinking about. He starts making soft noises and the tranquilly of hearing them lulls me into sleep.

A nurse checking on both of us wakes me up a short time later. My body protests sitting up but I endure it because Hunter needs to eat. When he successfully latches on, I just stare at him, mesmerized that I'm nourishing my child.

Heidi returns a short while later, her hands full of balloons and flowers. She sporadically places the arraignments around the room then takes a seat next to my bed. Together, we admire Hunter, cooing over every detail of his small body.

"Felix left a message at Airway Heights for James. They couldn't tell him when the message will be delivered, but they assured him that James will get it sometime tonight."

"I didn't know that was allowed," I softy say, thankful my friends thought to call the prison.

"Only for emergencies or when sweet little babies are born," Heidi responds nonchalantly.

Our conversation carries on, fluctuating between anything related to the little man in my arms and random gossip Heidi is privy to.

An audible gasp draws my attention to the door.

"Victoria?" my mom's voice cracks as her hand darts to cover her mouth.

"Mom?" I question. My dad steps to her side, making his presence known. "Dad?" I'm utterly confused by their appearance, and my eyes dart between their anguished faces.

"Your friend here gave us a call. She thought we should come meet our grandson," my dad states hesitantly.

I notice both their stares are focused on Hunter as my dad speaks. They're both fidgeting and shuffling their feet, waiting for me to give them the okay to enter the room.

Speechless, I look towards Heidi for some answers. She's watching intensely. Her expression is somewhat blank. There's no trace of guilt for calling my parents, nor relief that I haven't thrown a fit because the people who shunned me are now standing in my doorway. Her indifferent stance indicates she's behind me however I choose to handle the awkward situation.

My silence must trigger something within, and her expression breaks as she takes a few short steps to reach my bed. Heidi sits down beside me, smiling as she gazes upon a sleeping Hunter nestled in the crook of my arm. Her rueful eyes look up to meet mine.

"I wasn't trying to start shit, especially not with your new mama bear emotions already heightened." She winks at me, dissolving some of the tension between us. Her voice is far lower than it normally is, trying to keep our conversation as private as possible with an audience.

"While you were out of it, after the epidural, you were calling out for your mom, Vic. There was no way I wasn't going to step in and allow them to let you down again. You deserve their support now more than ever." The sincerity in her voice erases my remaining tension; I know she'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me.

I reach out to squeeze her hand

"How'd you get their number?" I ask dumbfounded.

"I stole your phone before I went to check on Alec. I knew you wouldn't need it with Hunter keeping you company," she says and then pointedly looks back at my parents who are huddled together, talking amongst themselves.

"I think I need some chocolate. Thanks to you I'm an addict and don't even get to blame it on being preggo!" She stands up and leans down towards me. "So, I'm going to get my fix, but if you need me to come back to kick some parental ass, just holla."

I stifle a laugh. Heidi might seem over the top, but she has loyalty instilled deep within her. I have no doubt she'd handle my parents, or anyone else, if she feels I'm being mistreated.

She retrieves her purse and then strolls towards where my parents are standing. Her usual bright smile is plastered on her face as she approaches them. "Glad to see you could make it, Peter." She pats his shoulder as if they're long lost friends and slips past them.

My parents tentatively enter the room, and I hold my mom's gaze as they approach my bedside.

Mom looks down at Hunter with eyes full of tears, while my dad clears his throat several times.

Knowing how uneasy they're feeling because I feel it to, I decide to make the first move and ask, "Would you like to hold your grandson?"

"Yes," my mom sobs, her arms already reaching out to grab him.

With him secure in her arms, she takes a seat, while my dad hovers over her shoulder. We go through every detail of his tiny body, admiring each feature.

_I love talking about him already._

"He looks so much like James," my mom whispers. Unsure if she's speaking to me or not, I softy agree and continue to watch them fall in love with Hunter.

Our conversation stays focused on Hunter, and I'm grateful. There's no doubt things need to be addressed, but now isn't the time. Now is the time to smother Hunter with love from his family.

As the sun sets and evening comes on fully, my dad reluctantly hands Hunter back to me. They have a long drive ahead of them. I feel uneasy about my parents leaving so quickly, wanting to stay in this blissful space we're momentarily having. I know it's a mirage and to have that type of relationship, will require a lot of work.

My mom kisses me on the forehead, and my dad follows her lead.

"I think it's time we put the past behind us," my dad gruffly says, looking at my mom for confirmation.

I brush my hand against my sons' fuzzy blond hair. I stare straight at him but address them both. "Only if you're both ready to accept that James will always be a part of my life."


	10. Introduction

**Chapter Ten Introduction**

_You were always hard to hold_

_So letting go ain't easy_

_I'm hanging on but growing cold_

_While my mind is leaving_

_Talk, talk is cheap_

_Give me a word you can keep_

_'Cause I'm halfway gone, and I'm on my way_

_And I'm feelin', feelin', feelin' this way_

_'Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long_

_'Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone_

_Halfway gone, I'm halfway gone_

_Halfway Gone~ Lifehouse_

* * *

**June, 2012**

"Wahhhhhhhhh," Hunter howls at the top of his lungs.

"Oh, Hunter. I know you hate this, sweetheart, but Mommy needs to clean you up." I speak softly, hoping to calm him down as I quickly put on a clean diaper.

Every day since his birth, I've learned something new about my little man. He's sweet but short-tempered and extremely demanding. I've been pleasantly surprised to see how he looks a little more like James each day, not just his face but his mannerisms, too.

I've spent countless hours getting lost in his bright blue eyes, reminiscing about those same eyes that captivated my attention long before Hunter came into my life. My fingers are constantly brushing over the thickening blond fuzz on his perfectly round head. Out of all his features, it's his dimpled smile that captivates me the most. My heart swells each time I'm rewarded with a small grin for giving him comfort.

Hunter's wails die down just as I snap his onesie closed. "All better, little man?" His glassy eyes follow my voice. "Let's get you fed now."

I walk back to the living room with him settled into my arms and then gently take a seat in the rocking chair my parents bought as a gift for us.

They've come to Seattle twice since their trip to the hospital. The awkwardness seems to diminish a little more with each visit. Our topics of conversation remain light, mostly about Hunter, however, I was pleasantly surprised when my mom asked about James during our last phone call. While we might be treading lightly with each other, we're not naïve enough to think the strain between us will instantly dissolve. I do believe having Hunter in our lives is giving us the determination to work though our feelings.

Hunter nestles into my chest, and I relax into the chair, closing my eyes while I begin to feed him. I enjoy the peaceful bonding moments we're sharing and try not to think about how after next week these tender moments won't be as frequent. Esme was generous enough to give me the option to extend my maternity leave longer than six weeks, but financially I can't afford it. Thankfully the daycare where Alec goes has room for an infant. I hate the thought of leaving Hunter with anybody else, but it's something I have to do.

I push the thought of leaving Hunter out of my mind and rock him back and forth, determined to relish the little time I have left.

My phone vibrates against the table next to me, and I reach for it quickly, not wanting to disturb Hunter as he drifts off to sleep.

Already familiar with Airway Heights' standard numbers, I answer with a lazy smile on my face. "Hey, babe."

"Hi, baby mama. How are you guys today?

"We're good. Got the little man milk drunk and he's sleeping now," I chuckle. I never knew milk could put a baby to sleep before I witnessed it happen to Hunter.

"And here I thought I was going to be the bad influence on him," James jokes, and we both laugh.

"Did you get my letter?" I hesitantly ask him.

My letter was more than my usual rambling about what had been going on. It was a plea for him to get his life in order for our son's sake. I included the newest picture of Hunter, hoping the sight of his sweet face would give James ammunition to fight against what he'd always done.

"Yep, got it yesterday. He's changing so quickly. Is that normal?" he asks, indifferently.

Taken aback by how blasé he sounds, I stop rocking.

_After everything I said, he only mentions the picture?_

Concerns are swarming in my head as to what his take on my request is, but with limited time to talk, I allow the conversation to stay put, for now.

"Umm yeah, it's normal, especially in the first couple of months," I answer evenly.

"Oh, okay, good. You're still coming this weekend, right?" His tone changes when he mentions our visit; his excitement over meeting Hunter is palpable even through the phone line.

I shove my unsettling feelings from moments before aside, wanting to join in James' excitement. It's a monumental time for both him and Hunter, and I won't let my concerns overshadow it.

"Of course. Hunter tells me every day he can't wait to see his daddy," I say sweetly, breaking the unspoken strain through the phone line.

He lets out a long sigh. "I can't fucking wait to see you guys.

I'm not sure how I'd be holding up if I were in James' place. Waiting five weeks to meet his son, to hold him and be captivated by him must be unbearable. Pictures don't do a baby justice, especially when it's your child.

_**~Criminal~**_

I feel more confident as I drive the winding roads to Airway Heights after having a several visits under my belt. Hunter brings a new element to the ride, though. I purposely left earlier than normal to allow myself ample time to make it there. Instead of stopping to use the restroom or get a snack, I'm stopping to care for him. Hunter is an excellent passenger, sleeping the majority of it and allowing me to stretch the distance between stops.

My anxiety spikes the closer we get to the prison. The place oozes an eerie vibe that permeates the entire area well before I pull through the security gates. Attempting to feel somewhat comfortable, I focus one the man I'm there to see, not allowing my mind to ponder what types of criminals Airway Heights holds.

Going through security with Hunter is a tedious process. James will be allowed to have contact with him at all times throughout the visit. Therefore, every article of his must be thoroughly searched.

We make our way through with time to spare and wait in the stark holding room with the other anxious visitors. Hunter's presence seems to decrease my apprehension, along with the other visitors. I'm asked numerous questions about him, and in return I listen to stories about their own children.

Time passes quickly, thanks to the distraction, giving me a chance to calm my nerves. I stand up when I'm directed to, then make my way to the line that's forming. Just as I reach the doorway, I look down at a bright-eyed Hunter in my arms.

"He's going to fall even more in love with you," I whisper as I place a kiss on my son's forehead and proceed into the visitation room.

Long gone are the days that James is hard to locate. He now picks a table closer to the entry. As soon as I'm in view, he stands to greet me.

"Hey, baby!" James' arms engulf me just as his lips brush against mine. Our short embrace makes me body sing. It is never longer enough.

As we embrace, I can feel him vibrating with anticipation. We pull apart and he directs his gaze to Hunter's bundled body in my arms.

"Ready to hold your son?" I ask, knowing I'll need to take the lead. James nods his head, stepping backwards until he's stumbling into his seat. When he's found a comfortable position, I gingerly hand Hunter over, flashing him an encouraging smile as I back away.

James' arms clench around Hunter, pulling him into his chest. I can see his breathing has picked up by the way his chest is rising and falling at a quicker pace. He keeps his head down, staring at our son and moving his lips with unspoken words.

Tears fall freely from my eyes as I watch him bond with Hunter. I always knew when this moment came it would be breathtaking, but I had no idea just how powerful it would be. I watch on, wondering if James' awe-stuck expression is the same one I had when I first laid eyes on Hunter.

He looks over at me with glassy eyes; his emotions are evident and threatening to spill out. My heart shatters watching him fight to keep his emotions in check, but I know this isn't the place to expose any weaknesses.

"Thank you," he says, his gratitude and pride for our son fully evident.

"He's even cuter in person, huh?" I randomly say, trying to help him calm down.

In a blink of an eye, James looses his vulnerability. The mask he normally wears to cover it has returned.

He gives Hunter a soft kiss on the forehead then looks back to me with a smirk plastered on his beautiful face. "Of course he is. He looks just like me!

I chuckle at his playfulness. There is no way I can deny it—the men in my life are handsome.

A wave of desire rolls through my stomach when James winks at me and licks his lips. His face is still thinner than I'm used to, but he looks healthier than he has since first being incarcerated. The blond locks I'm use to seeing styled are shorter now and a goatee adorns his face.

_He looks sexy with scruff._

My skin starts to flush from pent-up desire. I bite my lip, not wanting to allow my mind to drift in that direction. We have at least two years before we can be physically intimate again, and that's only if he's accepted for parole.

The stifled laugh across the way lets me know that my wanton thoughts haven't gone unnoticed. I shrug my shoulders, not ashamed one bit. James and I had a very active sex life; he's bound to know I'm missing that part of our relationship as well.

With my thoughts already lingering as to how long James will be in prison, I decide to approach the subject he evaded on the phone. I know it's bound to be a mood killer, but it's something we need to discus.

"Have you started looking into rehabilitation programs you can apply for once you pass your one year mark?" I sit back in my chair, gauging James' reaction.

"Nah, there's no need to. It would be a waste of time," he says with a shrug and then turns his attention back to Hunter.

_He's not going to change? Not even for his son?_

My leg starts bouncing, and the discomfort from biting my lip is starting to sting. I welcome the pain as it's the only thing holding me back from making a scene in the crowded room.

James is talking to Hunter. His sweet sentiments are ridiculously cute, but hearing him speak to the baby is making my skin crawl with aggravation. He's holding his son, the little boy that's going to need a full time father, acting as if the world around him is perfect. James is already cheating Hunter for the next two to four years, and one day he could be permanently taken away from him if he doesn't change his ways.

No longer able to contain myself, I learn forward hoping not to draw too much attention. "I can't fucking believe you," I hiss.

"Tori, don't do this. _Not here_." He's looking at me, hoping for some understanding but won't find any. "You know I have to do that shit. There's no other option."

A sarcastic chuckle falls from my lips as I shake my head at him, "You're wrong, and you fucking know it. _HE_ is your other option," I say, gesturing to Hunter, "but I guess you don't see it that way."

"Baby

I raise my hand, stopping him from finishing his sentence.

"Just visit with your son… I can't talk to you right now."

"Tori…" James tries again, but I just shake my head and scoot back in my chair for some distance.

I look around the room at families enjoying their time together, at inmates busting with excitement at being with their loved ones. I wonder what their futures will be. Will they be walking away from a life full of crime or will they end up here again?

I look everywhere except James. I'm thankful he is giving me the space I need as I listen to his strained voice once again talking to Hunter.

Today hasn't gone as I hoped, but it has been enlightening. I'll be driving away from Airway Heights with a heavy heart, and it won't be just because we're leaving James behind.

The standard announcement is made that the visitation is ending. James and I both stand up, our faces the picture of hesitation. He kisses Hunter one last time and gently hands him over to me.

We're not allowed to touch, but handing over the baby allows our arms to briefly connect. The natural, electrifying current that flows between us zaps me, only this time I hate the reminder of our intense connection.

"We cool?" James asks timidly, taking a seat, as he is required to do while visitors exit.

He's staring at me with frantic eyes, pleading with me to say yes, but I can't.

Not this time.

"I don't know." My voice breaks as I answer. "Love you," I add in whisper, wanting him to know that no matter what nothing changes my feelings.

His knuckles are white as he grips the edge of the table. I murmur a goodbye and walk towards the exit with a broken heart.


	11. Disorderly

**Chapter Eleven - Disorderly**

_Shine a light through an open door_

_Love and life I will divide_

_Turn away 'cause I need you more_

_Feel the heartbeat in my mind_

_It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny_

_But I've gotta let it go_

_We found love in a hopeless place_

_**We Found Love ~ Rihanna**_

* * *

**September, 2012**

Relationships are about compromising. Sometimes you give, other times you take, and, if possible, you find a middle ground. Four months after hearing James say he doesn't plan to change his path in life, I'm no closer to figuring out what it means for me than I was that day. Sadly, our situation appears black and white—his old lifestyle or something new—and compromising isn't really an option.

Of course, I could completely walk away, never looking back at the man who will forever carry the key to my heart. My son may have a higher chance at living a safer life, but are there any guarantees for protection with the connection we'll always have to James?

There is no doubt in my mind the answer is no.

I've spent countless hours wondering if I should be more like Heidi. Do I accept the lifestyle and put all my trust in James that he'll keep us safe? Before Hunter, I would've said yes to this option without thinking twice about it. I see the big picture more clearly now that I have something to lose. Our lives _could_ be destroyed in the blink-of-an-eye.

_Would I be comfortable going anywhere with James, knowing someone may be lurking to retaliate against him or The Volturi?_

My heart has a mind of its own, though. Every time I hear James say he loves me or watch him with our son, it begs me not to give up on him just yet. I often wonder if he needs more time to realize his life should be dedicated to Hunter now.

The one conclusion I've come up with is that I couldn't live with myself if I'm the reason James is separated from the only surviving relative he has. Even if that means serious limitations, I would have to find a way to make it work for their relationship. Taking Hunter away from him would only push him further into the lifestyle I desperately want him to leave. I love him too much to allow The Volturi to benefit from my predicament.

Realizing once again I've zoned out, I slyly glance around the shop, hoping no one noticed. I find myself sinking further into depression with each strained visit and increasingly awkward call from James.

Today is no exception. My indecisiveness is amplified by the call I received the day before, and the reoccurring questions I've asked myself for months are demanding answers that I don't yet have.

I rotate my neck from side to side, hoping the kinks and tension will magically disappear. Being stress-free is on the long list of wishes that never gets granted.

"God, I don't think this day is ever going to end," I whine to no one in particular.

"I hate to tell you this, but you just had a haircut and style added to the books for three o'clock," Claire says after hearing my complaint.

I let out an exasperated huff and groan in protest before answering her. "Why didn't you book it with Lacy? She's hardly had any clients today."

Normally, I would never suggest handing a client over to someone else, but my body is screaming at me to take a break.

"Sorry, hon. She asked for you specifically, and you know we can't pass those clients off unless the stylist has an appointment already."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for the heads up, Claire." I tilt my head, motioning towards the back of the salon. "I'm going to sit in the break room until she gets here."

Instead of taking a seat at the small table, I elect to sit in an old barber chair we've been storing in there. The padding is pretty worn down, but it feels better against my fatigued body than hard plastic would.

I close my eyes, willing myself to stay in the present. It is difficult to prevent myself from getting lost in my clouded mind. Instead, I focus on my little man's smiley face, making me miss him even more. I relax into the chair with the precious vision whisking away my worries.

"Hey, sweetie," Esme says, soothingly rubbing my arm. "Your appointment is here."

My eyes strain to focus as I try to fight off the sensation of being weighed down. "Esme… oh my god, I fell asleep. I'm so sorry!" I look up at her, embarrassed by my negligence.

Esme takes a seat on the corner of the chair and begins gently rubbing my arm again. "We need to find a way to get Hunter to allow you to sleep more."

Not wanting to keep my client waiting any longer, I stand up, brushing through my hair with my fingers to make sure it doesn't look like I have bed head.

"If you know some baby magic for that, I'd repay you by taking all of your Saturday shifts." I try to make light of the situation knowing bargaining won't get me anywhere.

"Oh that would be great! I bet Carlisle would slip you some money on the side to have me home every Saturday." Esme snickers. "I do have some other ideas though, but we'll talk about those after your client."

Esme's devious smile and animated eyes pique my curiosity. At this point, I think I would be up for anything that got my little man to sleep longer than two hours at a time.

I may have acclimated to being his mommy, but I definitely haven't adjusted to being sleep deprived.

I put on a welcoming smile then walk toward my station. I round the corner and see my client is already waiting. The long, brown hair spilling down her back looks oddly familiar and just as my mind places who it belongs to, she spins the chair around.

"What's up, girlfriend?" Heidi's infectious smile beams bright as ever.

"_You're_ my client?" My eyebrows scrunch in confusion, not understanding why she booked an appointment instead of calling me directly.

"Sure am. Well… kinda. I'm here for reasons other than my hair, but if you want to do something with this go for it." She slides her hand into her hair, fluffing it.

"What do you mean you're here for other reasons?" My mind is reeling with worrisome thoughts, but her happy expression leads me to believe I may be overreacting.

"I'm here for an intervention," she states firmly. Heidi straightens her posture, trying to appear serious.

"An intervention for what?" I chuckle. Knowing Heidi, this has to be something good.

"Oh Vic… you're _that_ far in denial." Her voice is low and theatrical; she shakes her head while reaching up to cover her heart.

I try not to laugh, but her acting skills are horrible.

"I don't think there's anything in my life that needs to be changed, unless it's staying away from a particularly crazy friend of mine." I wink at her.

She stands up, patting the seat as an invitation for me to sit. I hold back my laughter and go along with her silly performance.

"Okay, Dr. Heidi. _Please_ tell me how you're going to help me," I deadpan.

"I thought you'd never ask." She rubs her hands together, "The first step is admitting you need help. Seems to me you're going to be an excellent patient, since you've taken that step already."

Instead of answering, I allow my laughter to escape, earning me a glare.

"Let's get down to business… I'm here to save you from yourself."

My laugher dies quickly as I digest her words. The look on her face is serious, and not in a joking kind-of-way either.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Esme slip beside me. My eyes dart between her and Heidi, getting a peculiar feeling they're both in on whatever is going on.

"Here's the thing, Vic. You're mentally and physically running yourself ragged. Pretty soon you're going to burn yourself out-"

"What the hell am I suppose to do, Heidi? It's not like I have many options!" I cut her off, agitated that she's insinuating I can't handle things.

It's not like I don't know that I'm pushing my limits. I'm doing the best I can with Hunter by myself, while my entire life is resting on a complicated decision that needs to be made.

Heidi's expression is full of sympathy. Instead of being upset with me for lashing out, she reassures me she understands with a weak smile.

I take a deep breath, holding it in until my lungs are burning and desperate for air. I let it out with an audible whoosh, allowing my misdirected frustration to vanish with it.

"We know that, sweets. But you have people willing to help. You just need to ask."

By the time she's finished speaking, Esme has moved to Heidi's side. She reaches out, taking my hand into hers. As always, her touch wraps me in a cocoon of comfort.

"Victoria, you really need a break. We can see it and want to help you. Please, let us take some of the burden off of you," Esme pleads.

I regard the anxious faces of my friends as they wait for my response, wondering how I got so lucky to have them a part of my life. I'm slightly embarrassed they've noticed my exhaustion but thankful they care enough about me to help find a solution.

"Esme, you do so much for me already. I can't ask you to do anything else." I put all the sincerity I can must into my quivering voice, hoping to convey my gratitude.

I turn to look at Heidi next, forcing a smile on my face. "And you keep me sane by showing me what crazy really is." Even though I'm teasing Heidi, it's her vivacious personality that keeps me looking toward the bright side of life.

"I hear a _but_ in there, and I can already tell you we're not taking no for an answer here. We were just being nice and hoping you'd see it our way before we got hostile with you. Tell her the plan, Es." Heidi crosses her arms, scrunches her eyebrows, and puckers her lips, waiting for me to challenge her.

"Heidi's right. We won't accept a 'no thanks' from you this time," Esme says, straining to keep her normally sweet voice firm with authority, but it's just not in her; I start giggling.

She gives me a pointed look and clears her voice, "So here is our plan. Tomorrow you are going to have a girl's day with Heidi, and I'm going to watch Hunter."

"No way! It's your day off, Esme. I can't let you waste it by taking care of a baby all day."

"Are you kidding me? You know Carlisle and I have been dying to get our hands on him." A jolt of sadness pierces my heart at Esme's declaration. I know the Cullens' desire to spend time with my son runs deeper than just wanting to help me out. They aren't able to have children of their own and desperately long to have a baby in their house.

Knowing that piece of information, there is no way I could deny Esme the opportunity. In all reality, I need to unwind.

Letting out a huff in defeat I give them the answer they've been waiting for, "Fine. I'll agree to go out tomorrow, but, we have to keep the plans low key."

I don't feel embarrassed that there are limitations on what I can afford to do. My son is my priority now. As long as he has what he needs, I could care less about doing extra things for myself.

"Jeez, Vic. What do you think I have planned? A pub crawl or club hoppin'?" Heidi takes my statement the wrong way, but I don't correct her. "I gotta work you up to that, girlfriend. I know it's been awhile since you've been sippin' on gin-and-juice. If we're going to par-tay like that, I want you to be able to hold your own."

I laugh at her crazy antics_. This_ is a perfect example of what Heidi brings to my life. The laughter that accompanies her ideas and random statements is one of the best cures for stress.

"Good to know. Now what are we doing tomorrow?" I stammer, trying to stop laughing long enough to find out what Heidi considers low key.

_**~Criminal~**_

The hazy morning sunlight hits me square in the eye long before I'm ready to see it. My undisturbed body protests as I roll over, wanting to continue lying still.

For once, in as long as I can recall, I'm excited to see morning time. I'm anxious about leaving Hunter with the Cullens for the first time, but I know he'll be in good hands. My excitement outweighs any hesitations I have with the thought of eating a meal without being rushed and having someone pamper me.

I get out of bed with an extra dance to my step, padding over to Hunter's crib. He's awake and fascinated by the car mobile dangling over his head.

"Morning, little man." I coo, reaching down to pick him up. He squeals as I blow raspberries on his chunky cheek, and his gummy smile remains as we start our day.

Hunter gulps down a bottle in no time, and then is happy to play with some toys while I get ready.

I pull out a long-sleeved wrap-dress from my closest, not wanting to feel like I'm wearing a "mommy outfit" like I normally do. I fuss with my unruly curly hair far longer than is needed, making it sleek and shiny. I tint my cheeks with blush and apply lipstick, instead of sheer gloss; both steps are overlooked in my rushed daily routine. The extra attention I give myself perfectly masks how worn-out I am, making me feel good about my appearance.

Before long, I'm standing in the Cullens' living room, handing Hunter over to Carlisle's waiting arms. Esme takes the overstuffed diaper bag that's digging into my shoulder as I go down the mental list of instructions I've made for them.

"He likes his bottle lukewarm, but make sure it's not too hot. And, if he fights going to sleep, he likes to be walked around. Oh, and he has a small diaper rash, so when you change him, please use the cream that's in the side pouch."

"Don't worry, Victoria, we have this under control. He's going to be perfectly fine," Esme reassures me as she starts to walk back towards the front door. "Now, go and enjoy your day, please."

Her eager expression doesn't allow me time to stall; I reluctantly push my feet forward and say my goodbye to Hunter.

"I just need one more kiss." I bend down, brushing my lips against my son's forehead. "You be a good boy. Mama will be back soon."

Hearing the front door click almost causes me to turn around, but I don't. Instead I get into my car, turn on the radio and drive downtown to meet Heidi.

Just as she promised, lunch is fantastic. Missing Hunter is nestled in the back of my mind, but instead of wanting to race to get him, I allow myself to enjoy the leisurely afternoon.

The ladies from my shower, along with Heidi's sister, Sara, keep me entertained with all sorts of stories. It feels good to be a part of a group again, to indulge in some good girl-talk even though I don't have much to contribute.

By the time our plates are cleared from the table, I feel like I know each of them a little bit better. Nettie, in particular, seems to share a lot of the same views I do. While we shuffle to the bathroom to freshen up, she suggests we meet for coffee one day. The prospect of having a new friend excites me.

After lunch, we walk down the street to a nail salon for pedicures. I scoot back into the oversized chair, turning the back massager to the highest setting. It works its magic, pulsating against my shoulders and down my spine. The lady directs me to relax and gets to work scrubbing my feet.

I close my eyes, wanting to enjoy every second of being indulged. "How have I lived without this for so long?" My groan is inevitable as she applies the perfect amount of pressure.

"Good question," Heidi answers back from the chair next to me.

My body sinks further into the chair as she moves on to my calves.

"Make me come back again, Heidi," I demand, knowing she'll hold me to my own request.

"I'll add it to the intervention plan for you."

The massaging comes to an end far too quickly, making me groan again while opening my eyes.

"What color would you like?" the lady sweetly asks, pushing a cart full of nail polish towards me.

I answer her immediately instead of bothering to look at my options. "I would like red, please." She nods her head reaching for the perfect shade of fire engine red.

"Oh feisty… maybe you're ready for clubbin' after all," Heidi playfully chimes in. I laugh along with the tech and approve the color.

Heidi's comment gets the group talking about a new bar that has live music on Friday nights and how we should go and check it out.

I bite my lip, feeling uneasy about going to a bar. My mind flashes to a memory of the last time I was in that type of scene. The night was spent with James, the two of us grinding against one another as an upcoming DJ showcased his talent. We barely came off the dance floor, James' seductive whispers of what our motions were doing to him kept me planted in place. The significance of that night wasn't the lust-filled haze enchanting us, it was the way James let his guard down in front of complete strangers. It was the two-of-us in our own bubble with people looking on, and his only concern was having a good time with me.

I know it would be harmless to join them, but it feels wrong to put myself in that type of environment without James at my side. Every club and bar I've been to feels like a meat market, and I'm not comfortable getting that type of attention.

_There's only one person's attention I want to capture. _

I've tuned the conversation out, and begin to get worked up over a suggestion. Heidi touches my arm, bringing my attention back to the present.

"I know what's going on over there in that pretty little head of yours. No worries. I know you're not ready for that."

I am relieved she understands my feelings and doesn't push the topic any further.

Goodbyes and friendly hugs are exchanged when we reach our cars. Embracing Nettie, Bree and Chelsea is easier now that I know them better. We tentatively make plans for another girl's day soon, and I am already excited for it happen.

Backing out of the parking space, my stomach flutters as Hunter comes to mind. I smile to myself thinking about the feel of him in my arms and inhaling his sweet scent. I push the gas pedal down, driving swiftly to Esme's house, ready to reunite with my son.

_**~Criminal~**_

**October 2012**

"Grammy's here!" My mom dashes past me in the doorway, immediately seeking out Hunter. She drops to her knees on the living room floor, scooping him off his blanket and into her arms

"Grammy?" I turn to ask my dad, who's courteous enough to greet me before waltzing into my apartment.

"That's the name she's decided she wants to be called." My dad shrugs, stepping closer to me, and places a kiss on my forehead. "Hello, sweetheart."

"Hey, Dad," I respond with ease, happy that my parents are here.

After taking some of the bags from my dad's overloaded hands, we move to sit on the couch where my mom is bouncing Hunter on her knees.

"Peter, where's the bag with Hunter's gifts? I can't wait to show him what we picked out." Her excitement is obvious as my dad promptly gets up to retrieve whatever she's asking for.

Seeing my parents with Hunter is remarkable. My fear of them not accepting him has diminished. It is apparent that loving him has become like breathing for them; there is no way not to.

"Mom," I whine, "you don't have to bring him gifts every time you guys come to see us."

My dad returns to the couch, taking a seat next to my mom. I chuckle, noticing there's more than one bag sitting at his feet.

"Nonsense. We're his grandparents, and giving gifts is part of our job description," Mom states not looking away from Hunter as she speaks. Both of my parents start making silly faces at him, laughing when he responds.

I quietly slip away to fetch my camera, wanting to capture the three of them together.

When I return and am about to snap the picture, my mom turns Hunter around to face me. My parents squeeze in closer to him with their beaming smiles already in place.

"Oh good, new pictures!" my mom says before adding what she's really thinking. "We need to convince your mommy to bring you to Yakima, so our friends can meet you, instead of always seeing your picture."

"Mom," I warn. She sighs in response, letting the topic go.

The subject of me going to see them has come up in several conversations, and each time I try to explain I'm not ready to take that step yet. We've made progress in the sense we can be around each other for short periods of time, but there is still a lot we need to discuss. Until that happens, I'd like to keep visits on my territory.

"Are you ready to see what Grammy got you?" Her attention is back on Hunter, making me relax again.

She reaches into the brown paper bag, hastily pulling out a Winnie the Pooh Halloween costume.

I'm touched she chose a piece of my childhood to extend to my son. I have so many fond memories of that cartoon from when I was young, and I'm excited to see Hunter bring him to life.

"You're going to make the cutest Pooh Bear, Hunter!" my mom squeals, causing us to laugh with her.

My dad has been biding his time, patiently waiting for his turn to hold Hunter. I watch as he fidgets; his knee bounces and his hands never remain in one place. I'm not surprised. He's always stood back in the shadows while mom shined.

"Okay, _Grammy,_ it's time to share with Grandpa, before he combusts over there." I step in, wanting to assist my dad in getting his time with Hunter.

"Oh, it's Papa now," my dad shyly informs me. His blushing cheeks makes me chuckle, wondering if that was his idea or mom's.

Our visit feels like we're continuing to take steps in the right direction. The atmosphere is carefree; we share laughs and speak of our plans for Hunter's first Halloween, coming up in a few weeks.

The blaring ring of my phone takes my attention away from my family. I hurry to answer it, wanting to get back to my visit with my parents.

"Hello."

"Victoria Jacobson, please," a woman with a deep, flat voice asks.

"This is she," I respond with a huff, thinking I should just hang up now to save myself from listening to a telemarketing script.

"Ms. Jacobson, I'm Jeanette, calling from Shriner's Hospital." Paper rustling in the background strains through line as the women pauses, and my curiosity spikes. It's not a hospital I'm familiar with, but I don't believe they would be calling unless it's important.

I motion to my parents that I need to take the call then slip into the quiet kitchen.

"Yes… how can I help you?" I prompt, wondering what's taking her so long to respond.

"Sorry about that ma'am. I'm calling on behalf of Airway Heights Corrections

Center."

My heart rate increases, pounding against my chest as my stomach plunges with apprehension. My knees feel weak from the fear that's coiling throughout my body.

"What's wrong with James?" I rush out, not giving her the opportunity to finish talking.

"Ma'am, this call is to inform you that Mr. Colton was brought to our facility yesterday afternoon."

I squeeze my eyes closed, but tears manage to slip past my eyelids anyways. I begin chanting, "please tell me he's okay." I have no doubt I'm saying the words out loud but the hospital representative doesn't answer me. Instead, she deliberately carries on with her speech.

"Due to his condition, it's protocol that we inform the next of kin listed on his file through the prison."

"His condition… what the hell is wrong with him?" I snap at her, frustrated she's withholding the information I'm desperate to know.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't give any further details until the patient signs a HIPAA waiver giving us permission to speak to you."

"So, you're fucking telling me, that he's been admitted, _due to his condition_, and yet, you won't tell what his _condition_ is?" Fear has taken away my patience, and I can't help but lash out.

My dad hurriedly enters the kitchen. He eyes me closely, trying to figure out what's going on. With the size of my apartment, there's no way my shouts went unheard.

"Victoria?" he whispers, stepping closer to me and looking into my frantic eyes with concern.

"Please, just tell me," I beg through sobs, desperate to know what has happened to James.

"I'm sorry I can't. We're under strict regulations." There's sincerity in her voice for the first time in our call, but it doesn't comfort me one bit. "You can check back in a couple days to see if Mr. Colton's condition has improved enough for him to sign the necessary paperwork."

"Just give me your address, and I'll be there as soon as I can." I reach for the closest drawer, frantically searching for a pen.

"Visitation and phone privileges aren't allowed for inmates, ma'am. But, let me give you a number you can call to check in."

"Check in? What's the fucking point if you won't tell me anything?" I cry out in frustration.

"Victoria," My dad touches my shoulder to get my attention, "Let me have the phone. I'll get the rest of the information."

His eyes are soft but firm as he waits with his hand outreached. I hand him the phone, then brace myself against the counter as I listen to him calmly speak to the hospital representative.

"Hello, this is Mr. Jacobson, Victoria's father, can you please give the information she needs."

My dad grabs a pen and paper, jotting down a number before kindly thanking the women and hanging up the phone.

As soon as he gently sets my phone down, I crash immediately into his chest. Sobs wrack my body; tears rapidly steam down my cheeks, soaking into his shirt.

"You need to calm down and tell me what's going on, honey." His touch is soothing, but his voice remains firm, trying to get me to open up.

"Something's happened to James," I stutter, my mind swirling with wretched thoughts of what could have happened.

"He can't die, Daddy, I need him!" My hands grip his shirt, absorbing the stream of tears pouring out. He holds me tight, repeatedly telling me everything will be all right. His sincerity makes me weep harder knowing it's an empty promise, because my instincts tells me it's anything but okay.


	12. Mend

**Chapter Twelve - Mend**

_Heart beats fast_

_Colors and promises_

_How to be brave_

_How can I love when I'm afraid to fall_

_But watching you stand alone_

_All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

_One step closer_

_I have died everyday waiting for you_

_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_

_For a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

_A Thousand Years ~ Christina Perri_

* * *

"What's going on in here?" my mom questions as she walks into the kitchen. I hear the concern in her voice, and another sob breaks free. Tears roll down my face, and I can barely breath as dad wraps his arms around me a little tighter. I can't bear the though of explaining this situation to her or to watch the subtle truce we've established melt away.

"It was a hospital calling. James was admitted there yesterday." Dad's tone is impassive as he answers for me. A mixture of gratitude and annoyance coils in the pit of my stomach. I'm thankful he's calm, but I wish he'd act just a little bit interested in the well being of his grandson's father.

I push off his chest, putting some space between us. His soothing touch has lost its warmth and the walls I've built to protect me from their disdain strengthen.

"I…I need to lie down," I stammer, trying to get my bearings. I brush the tear tracks off my cheeks and take a deep breath in an attempt to calm down.

Both my parents are frozen in place. Their dumbfounded expressions—tight-lipped frowns, eyes wide as saucers that are overflowing with concern—match. I wait for them to say something but they don't, and it only further irritates me.

I want to ask them to leave, but I know I need to pull myself together before I can properly care for Hunter.

"Do you mind watching Hunter while I lay down for a little bit?"

The mention on their grandson's name breaks them from their trance, and my mom nonchalantly answers for them. "Of course not. You know you don't need to ask us; we're always here for him."

I bite my lip, holding back angry words about my desire to have had their attention when I needed it the most. Instead of lashing out, I hastily walk past them, needing to see my son before I retreat to my room.

Watching my sweet boy as he sleeps in his bouncy-chair brings on a fresh round of tears. Even in his sleep, he's the spitting image of James. My hands ball into fists, and I have to restrain myself from taking him into my arms in an attempt to fill the mounting void in my chest.

Instead, I leave him at peace, turning away and walking to my room for some solitude. My mom follows me, silently watching me slip into bed and pull the covers over my head, desperate to shut out the world.

She briefly sits down and pats my legs, telling me he'll be perfectly fine with them. I appreciate her concern for his well-being, but doesn't she realize that if something happens to James it's not just my life that'll be destroyed?

A muffled 'thanks' on my part ends our conversation. Thankfully, she takes the hint and quietly exits the room.

Sleep comes to me in short intervals; my time awake is spent stifling my tears into the pillow. I'm suffocating from the anxiety that's overpowering my every thought. I understand why there are laws protecting a patient's confidentiality, nonetheless, it's cruel to call someone informing them their loved one is hurt without further explanation.

Even if the loved one is a convict

The afternoon slowly creeps by, and when night starts to fall, my parents tap on the door to check on me. I want to pretend I'm still sleeping, but I don't.

"How are you feeling now, sweetie?" My dad takes a seat next to me on my bed.

"No better than I was earlier, Dad."

"Are you calm enough now to give us an explanation about what's going on?" Mom curtly asks, igniting my annoyance. My spine goes rigid, assuming she's trying to prompt a conversation about James' delinquent behavior.

"You already know everything. They didn't tell me anything further than something happened to James!" I snap at her.

"Don't use that tone with me, young lady. I'm just trying to help." She glares intently at me as her lips tighten into a taut line.

I roll my eyes. Her scare tactics haven't worked on me in years; I'm not about to allow her to intimidate me now. Knowing they were witness to my misery is only going to increase their hatred for James. I need to get myself together and get out of bed.

"Thanks for your help today. I'm feeling better now. Sorry I kept you later than you planned on staying." My best-unruffled expression emerges, hoping they'll believe it.

"Oh, we thought we'd spend the night." I take note of dad's shocked expression as he speaks. It's obvious my nonchalant attitude has baffled both of my parents.

"Thanks, Dad, but that's not necessary. Plus, I have to be at work early tomorrow," I respond with an impassive smile, walking out of the room before the discussion can go any further.

I enter the living room to find Hunter full of smiles and bring him into a tight embrace. I'm thankful he's oblivious to what's going on, but seeing his happy face makes me wonder if James will ever get to see it again.

I remain quiet as my parents awkwardly gather their belongings. It's clear that they're not happy about leaving, the tension is palpable. I don't feel entirely comfortable around them yet, and I need some space to digest everything. Plus having my mom hovering and just waiting to attack isn't going to calm me down.

They kiss Hunter goodbye with a promise to see him soon. I shuffle them to the door, exchanging forced hugs before opening it.

"Keep us posted on James, please," my mom says hesitantly.

The sincerity in her voice is shocking, and I'm baffled as to where it's coming from. I don't know if I'm making a face that reveals my disbelief, but one way or another, she's aware of it.

"I know you won't believe me, but we're concerned about him, too, Victoria."

"Thanks, Mom," I reply, needing to end the conversation. Each second I stand in their presence feels like an eternity. As they linger, my anxiety pushes me to the brink of revealing my intensifying emotions despite not feeling comfortable enough with them to do so.

A slight pang of regret forms as I watch my parents cross the threshold, haggard with defeat. I want to believe their sincerity is genuine, but nothing they've done has convinced me their feelings towards James have changed.

As soon I shut the door behind them, I exhale, and the built up tears I've managed to keep at bay instantly release. I hold Hunter, squeezing him tightly, as if my life depends on it, and race to find my cell phone.

I dial the number as quickly as possible, waiting for Heidi's chipper voice to answer. When she does, simply knowing she's on the line with me, I let go completely, "Please… come over… I need you."

Heidi whips through my front door quicker than I ever thought possible. Her eyes are desperate as I knock into her at full force. We fall to the ground in the middle of my hallway as I crumble into her arms.

After a hysterical explanation, she franticly calls Felix then Esme.

"He can't fucking die on me, Heidi!" I weep into her shoulder, expressing my worst fear. Her own wet tears fall, mingling with mine as they hit my cheek.

"Shhhh, I know, honey. James loves you and Hunter so fucking much. Whatever's wrong with him, he's not going down without a fight," she consoles me.

"I… I have to be with him."

"They won't let you, sweetie. If they would, you know I'd drive like a bat out hell to get you there."

"No… I mean, I have to _be_ with him, forever." My declaration is firm in spite of my voice trembling through each word.

"I've been waiting _forever_ for you to realize that," Heidi simply replies, exposing how solid our friendship has become. She knew I needed to figure it out on my own.

Saying the words solidifies them in my heart, mind, body and soul. The dread I'm suffering though at the thought of James being taken from me delivers the perspective I've been waiting for.

There's no more confusion as to what role I need James to play in my life. If I ever want to feel complete again I need him as my partner, my lover, and my best friend, not just as my son's father or a distant memory.

I've been agonizing over making the right choice for Hunter for months. It never once dawned on me that if I don't feel whole _I_ won't be giving him the mom _he_ deserves.

Now, I have to pray James is as strong as Heidi says he is in order for us to have a fighting chance of making this work.

_**~Criminal~**_

My anxiety increases with each passing day as no further updates come in from Shriner's Hospital. I call them multiple times, just to be told that no information can be released to me yet.

With Felix's inside connection, he learned that a fight broke out between James and a member of a rival gang, which resulted in James being brutally attacked. He was ganged up on and didn't have the opportunity to properly defend himself.

While I'm distraught over the entire situation, Felix is irate. Word of what happened at Airway Heights had quickly made its way through The Volturi, and Felix and the guys are out for blood. These men don't lightly accept one of their own being taken down. They retaliate with full force. Both Heidi and Felix reassure me we are safe, but I'm struggling to believe them.

I remind myself of the realization I came to days before—my need for James in my life outweighs any uncertainties. This won't be the first time my strength is going to be tested. I have to shove my reservations aside and put all of my faith in the people I trust most.

Four days after receiving the unexpected call about James, I get another.

"Ms. Jacobson, this is Dr. Young at Shriner's Hospital."

My voice squeaks when I answer her, praying she isn't calling to give me more bad news. "Please tell me you're calling with good news?"

"As good as I can, I suppose. James, Mr. Colton, woke up this morning, repeating your name, and grew extremely agitated. We explained to him phone privileges aren't permitted, but with his written permission, we have been given consent to speak with you."

"Are you saying, he wasn't… conscious… before this morning?"

"He's been in and out of consciousness, ma'am. Let me go back and explain everything.

"Mr. Colton was brought in with a stab wound to his right shoulder, as well as lacerations to his face and several cracked ribs. Obviously, the stab wound is our primary concern. Due to the severity of it, surgery was performed immediately to repair the damaged tissue."

I gasp loudly as she continues to detail everything James has endured the past couple of days.

_What the hell happened to cause these injuries? _

"Due to the amount of blood loss, we preformed a blood transfusion as well."

I brace myself against the counter when my stomach starts to churn. Visions of James' broken and blood body flash before me.

"Both procedures went smoothly, and James has been on antibiotics and pain medication, as well as intravenous fluids since then."

"He'll be okay then?" I whisper.

"Yes, he should pull through this smoothly, but we'll continue to monitor him for a couple days before sending him back to the Airway Heights' infirmary.

"However, he'll need therapy in order to increase his mobility and strength. This is something the prison will have to arrange for him."

"Thank you for calling, Dr. Young." Some measure of relief washes over me and I decide to take a chance that she'll pass on a message to him. "I know this is a lot to ask, but could you _please_ just tell him I, _we,_ love him."

She remains quiet, taking a minute to consider my request.

"Messages aren't normally permitted, but I'll make an exception this time because I do believe it will calm him down, making my staff's job easier."

The call ends, leaving me paralyzed with elation as I recall her words.

_I'll make an exception this time because I do believe it will calm him down._

Although I'm disappointed I'm not permitted to visit him, I acknowledge his recovery needs to be his only priority for now. Nevertheless, knowing he's been worried about me brings me some comfort.

_He is fighting for us after all._

_**~Criminal~**_

**November, 2012**

My knee nervously begins to bounce; the tapping sound of my shoe connecting with the tile floor distracts me from my excessive need to check the time. I'm anxious for our group to be called. Outdated décor catches my attention as I take in the new surroundings and mindlessly compare this unit to the one James was in before. There have been more times than I can recall in the past six weeks where I've dreamt about sitting in this stiff plastic chair, being thoroughly monitored by robust guards while waiting to see James.

The anticipation I've felt waiting for him to heal enough in order to receive visitors is fading. I can look back at the trying time we've experienced and see all the good things that came of it.

Just like James' fight for survival, I've been fighting my own battle to pave the way for our future. When it felt like I might actually lose him, I had to dig deep, find my inner strength. I'm stronger and better equipped to weather the highs and lows that life throws my way. With a fresh outlook, I've been managing the difficult days that once sent me into a tailspin of depression with relative ease.

The clatter in the room quiets down as a guard strolls through the entrance of the visitation room, leaving the door open behind him. He draws the attention of the group and monotonously begins listing off directions. Even though I've heard the speech countless times, this time it's strangely comforting. As he nears the end, I begin to tighten my grip on Hunter and reach to grab my purse.

Normally I'd take my time getting in line but everything is different now.

With only a concrete wall separating us from the missing piece of our family, my patience rapidly disintegrates.

We get through the doorway swiftly. A bright smile breaks out on my face as I immediately spot James on the other side, looking just as eager as I am.

My gaze works in unison with my steps, lingering on different parts of James' body for a fraction of a second to observe the toll the injuries have taken on him. The closer I get, the visual reminders of the incident that caused our lives to change, become evident.

I was prepared to see James' arm in a sling, knowing he has a great deal of therapy left before he'll be without it, however, the faint scars from the lacerations that remains on his temple and cheek cause my grin to weaken.

I wordlessly step closer to him, anxious to feel him against my lips and in my arms. I'm relying on the brief moments we'll have together, the precious seconds we'll get to touch, to calm my nerves and get me through the grueling conversation he's promised me we'll have.

The grief that had been looming over us for the past month and a half vanishes the second our lips connect.

"Baby," he mumbles against my mouth.

I'm trembling as James wraps his good arm around me. His grasp is weak, but the strength of his feelings is evident with the low sound of his shaky breaths.

I understand when he pulls away but hate that we have to break our connection so soon. I'm proud of him for not trying to defy the rules in this new environment so quickly; it's a first for him.

"My little man," James says with a relieved sigh as he looks at Hunter for the first time. He stares at our son with so much affection pouring out of him, and the intensity of seeing my two boys together reaffirms what I have finally come to understand in my heart. I need him.

"Will you be able to hold him?" I ask, concerned he'll overexert himself. I'm not sure if it's a good idea with his right arm still in a sling and Hunter's newfound discovery that his little body can wiggle and move around.

He gives me a pointed look. "Fuck my arm. I'm holding my son."

_Always so stubborn._

I huff, pretending to be annoyed, but the sly smile on my face gives my act away.

In the early days, when information about James was still sparse, it was daunting to wade through long days with no real improvements to his condition. A week after he was admitted to the hospital, we finally got some good news. He was stable enough to move back to the prison's infirmary for further monitoring.

A few days later I finally received a call from him. Hearing his husky voice nearly sent me into hysterics. The brunt of our conversation was spent with him reassuring me that he was okay.

Watching him impatiently wait to hold our son solidifies everything he's been stressing to me: he is okay and headed toward a full recovery.

"Sit down and let me gently place him on your left side. Be careful though, he's a hard one to keep still, like someone else I know."

I prop Hunter up on James' leg, and James wraps his arm around Hunter's stomach to keep him in place. As I expected, it's unsuccessful from the start.

"You just wait, son, one day your old man is gonna to be able to keep up with you." He places a leisurely kiss on Hunter's bobbly head. "I got a list of crazy things planned for us to do together."

With my imagination running wild as to what James has in mind, I chime in on their conversation. "Umm, I don't think so."

"You're just going to have to get used to being out numbered, Mommy." James looks up at me, his playful eyes crinkling as he grins.

"We'll see about that, Daddy," I reply ruefully, enjoying the lighthearted mood we're sharing and the uncharacteristic ease with which James smiles.

Enchanted by how much Hunter has changed since our last visit, I tell James about his recent developments. I tell him all about Halloween, how Heidi, Nettie, and I had so much fun taking the kids trick or treating. I notice, though, that anytime I mention something about The Volturi or the people connected to it, he steers the conversation in a different direction. I'm a little surprised by his reluctance but don't bring it up.

When James' arm grows tired of straining to keep Hunter on his lap, I take him back, reaching into my purse for a toy. The backs of my fingers brush the glossy picture I stuffed in there before I left the apartment.

I pull the toy out, along with the picture, handing the giraffe to Hunter and setting the photo on the table for the guard to see what I'm about to give James.

After getting a nod of approval, I hand it to him.

"You made my boy dress up as bear." James' disapproval is evident in his grated tone.

"What's wrong with Winnie the Pooh? He was my favorite as a kid," I retort, not seeing a problem with the costume.

"Exactly, because you're a girl!" James shakes his head, but I don't miss the small gleam in his eyes as he looks over the picture.

"_You're boy _loved all the attention he was getting. You should have seen him hamming it up. Every time someone gushed over him, his blue eyes lit up and a big smile would spread across his face."

"That's because he knows how good looking he is, just like his dad." James flashes me a smirk, and I roll my eyes despite chuckling.

"You should have seen him flirting with Maggie; he's into older women already."

"Maggie?" James questions, not placing the little girl's name.

"Yeah, Maggie Yorkie. You know, Nettie and Eric's daughter."

James glances over the picture at me, his expression faltering as soon as the familiar name is mentioned.

"Oh," he responds, quickly returning his gaze to the picture.

His odd response leaves me curious as to how he feels about the new friends I've made, but I would like to think he's grateful I'm no longer alone in Seattle.

Spending Halloween with Heidi and Nettie was comforting. As we moved from house to house, I finally felt like I was a part of their group,that they actually cared about the stories I was telling.

The only part of the night that was uncomfortable was running into several families they knew. They all asked about James, and it was just another reminder that my life wasn't as private as I would like it to be. Their concern for me and Hunter was extremely touching, though, and it was reassuring to see the decent side, the one that's normally hidden behind The Volturi's brutal exterior, shine.

The ticking of the clock reminds me that time is passing quickly. More than any other visit before, I feel the need to remain in James' presence.

As soon I find a position allowing me to keep a firm grip on Hunter, I reach for James' hand. The escalating anticipation of knowing James plans to tell me how he got injured has reached its peak. The feel of his fingers brushing against my knuckles gives me reassurance he's truly okay and confidence to bring up the subject that's been heavy on my mind for weeks.

"Babe, _please_ tell me what happened." My statement is vague but I know James will understand what I'm asking for.

He narrows his eyes and studies me closely instead of responding. His stare is pensive and penetrates deep into my eyes, making me curious as to what he's searching for.

I give him a weak smile for, hoping it's enough to get him to open up to me.

He nervously shifts in his chair but never breaks our grip.

"I'll give you the basic run down, but that's it."

I slant my eyes at him, perturbed by his vagueness.

"Don't look at me like that, T. I can't take that shit right now." He sighs, his hand squeezing mine. "The less you know, the better I'll feel."

I huff, feeling slightly defeated; his reluctance to share with me is putting me on edge.

"Baby, you've got to trust me on this, okay?" he says with an exasperated groan.

I nod my head, trying to do what he's asking.

I notice his eyes looking past me as he begins to speak.

"I was out in the yard, watching some fuckers play basketball. I should've walked away when I noticed a certain group walking over. I didn't really giving a fuck who they were and without other shit to do, I stayed.

"It was cool for a while. They yapped their mouths, but that's nothing new around here. The game took a turn when one of the dudes playing ball started getting aggressive. I knew it was a matter of time before shit went down, and I swear I was trying to stay out of it, but, as always, drama followed me." He sarcastically laughs to himself while I remain quiet.

He pauses, and I feel goose bumps prickle on my arms. As they rise, a chill runs down the rest of my body. I brace myself to hear the part of his story I've been eager and dreading to hear for weeks. I pull Hunter closer to my body as I wait for James to explain where everything went wrong.

"I did get up and walk away, but I didn't notice the picture I always keep in my pocket had fallen out until it was too fucking late." James lets out a bitter chuckle.

His eyes are blank, and I know he's reliving the brawl as he tells me what happened. I glance over to the hand I'm not holding and notice it's bunched in a tight fist.

"This motherfucker was talking so much shit, and I took it far longer than I normally would have, until he opened his hand and showed me what he had."

"The picture," I whimper, already playing the rest of story out in my head.

"He swiped the picture of you and Hunter. There was no fucking way I was going to let him walk away with it." James' voice drops to a low growl.

I'm nervous that I'm not the only one who's noticed the change in his demeanor. Thankfully, my swift glance around the room doesn't find any particular stares in our direction.

Sensing his need, I grip his hand tighter, grasping it to the point I notice his flesh starting to change color. James takes the pain from my grip and continues on, his eyes narrowed in anger.

"It's the only thing I care about in this shit hole. I'm not fucking stupid; it may be all I have of you guys when I walk out of here." He bows his head as soon as he's finished speaking.

My breath hitches after listening to his admission, the only acknowledgement he's given that he knows our relationship is on the rocks. A battle is raging in my heart; I'm torn between feeling guilty that my actions caused him to feel so possessive of a picture that he nearly got killed and loving him impossibly more for considering it his most prized possession.

James' head remains down, avoiding my gaze, and the tension in his shoulders increases with each passing second. I can tell by his rigid posture he's waiting for me to confirm his suspicions, and I know it's time to be just as open and honest with him.

"You'll always have us, James." There's no hesitation as I speak, my confidence soaring, knowing how solid I feel about my decision. His posture relaxes as he recognizes the sincerity laced within my affirmation.

Knowing he needs reassurance from me, I continue on, spilling how gut-wrenching it's been for me.

"A little piece of me died each day I waited to hear if you were okay. My mind twisted these horrible images of what could've happened to you, and in all of them, Hunter and I were left standing alone."

I watch him begin to fidget, and I know he's wallowing in his own guilt now. He's always been sensitive about me worrying about him.

"I about lost my mind, had terrible dreams…" I pause, gently rubbing my thumb across his knuckles. "But something good came out of experiencing those petrifying nightmares. I've realized I can't be without you." The softness of my tone is lost as I finish what I have to say, "So you better not fucking give up on me now."

James' head snaps up, his fuming eyes narrowing as he looks at me.

"Don't you ever fucking think that!" He lets go of my hand, motioning towards his injured shoulder with the flick of his wrist. "This shit should be enough proof that no motherfucker will ever be able take me away from you guys. If you don't understand that by now, you need more help than I do, baby."

His stern voice leaves me speechless. I've always known I hold a place of importance in his life, but never have I heard him speak about it so intensely that I actually believe I'm his top priority. Neither one of us breaks the intense stare we're engaged in until I mange to find enough words to reply to him.

"Guess we both have some shit to work through then, huh?"

James nods his head in agreement and our deep conversation ends on a somewhat, hopeful note.

We spend the remaining minutes we have together talking about our plans for Thanksgiving. When the visitation comes to an end, we notice other groups standing, giving proper goodbyes.

Taking advantage of the relaxed environment, we follow their lead and embrace again.

James' mobile arm wraps around me, snuggling Hunter between us.

He bends his head down to place a kiss on Hunter's. "Take care of your mom for me, Little Man. Love you."

He straightens out, wasting no time seeking out my lips. His kiss lingers as long as possible, before he reluctantly pulls back. "Love you, T."

"I love you, too."

After another quick kiss, we whisper goodbyes but before I begin to back away, he calls out to me. "I'll try to call you after my appointment tomorrow."

I stare at him, my face scrunched in confusion as to what appointment he's referring to since I know he had physical therapy yesterday.

"Counseling," he clarifies with a nonchalant shrug.

Tears of relief prick the corners of my eyes, but I refuse to cry. Instead, a beaming smile spreads across my face, and I hope he sees how proud I am of him.

I blow a kiss then turn to walk away.

* * *

_**Sigh… Our criminal is alive! Bet you thought I was going take him out, but then I would have been just as evil as The Volturi is. LOL**_

_**We got some important business to discuss now.**_

_***steps up onto a soapbox* **_

_**There's been a loud call to arms - without the weapons - and we're asking as many people as possible to boycott posting and/or reading this coming Friday and Saturday. We need the administrators to see what it will be like when all these wonderful stories are posted on other sites. It might seem like such a little thing to do, but it may make our voices be heard for a change.**_

_**As a result of us supporting the boycott, the next Criminal update will occur on Sunday. I will tell you the next chapter is one of my favorites, but also one of the hardest to write and I may have shed a tear or two doing so. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on it.**_

_**Thanks for all the love you've given this story; it continues to amaze me. See you Sunday!**_

_**Jadsmama**_


	13. Gesture

**Chapter Thirteen - Gesture**

_More than words_

_Is all I ever needed you to show_

_Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me_

_'Cause I'd already know_

_What would you do if my heart was torn in two_

_More than words to show you feel_

_That your love for me is real_

_More Than Words – Extreme_

* * *

**December, 2012**

"Holy shit, remind me why we're out with the crazies again?"

I laugh at Heidi's flare for the dramatic and continue pushing my way through the overcrowded mall. It's somewhat bearable having a stroller to push, giving us some leeway in the congested pack of ruthless shoppers.

"Because, I haven't bought my parents a gift yet, and I leave in the morning."

"Girl… I'm beginning to think this is the perfect place for you; you're insane, too! And please tell me why you've agreed to go to their house, when you could be celebrating with me?"

I glance over at her, glaring sharply. She knows how hard it was for me to agree to spend the holidays at my parents' house.

"It's Hunter's first Christmas. They love him, and even though I may lose my mind being in Yakima, my son deserves to be with his family."

It took me a while to accept their invitation, wavering over whether I was ready to take the step. Half of me knew at some point I would need to take the plunge, saying my peace and hearing theirs. I know we all have an uphill battle to work through our differing opinions, but I'm hoping everyone is willing to face these obstacles head on for Hunter's sake.

"What about Auntie Heidi? Am I just a nobody these days?"

"No, Auntie Heidi is soooo special that we're going to spend New Year's Eve with her. And just think, Hunter will_ never_ have a New Year's Eve, two-thousand-and thirteen, ever again." I put forth my best energetic voice, trying to pacify her.

"Fine, fine, go be miserable with your parents," she answers with an exasperated huff. "Now, let's talk about the exciting part of this road trip. Are you ready for a holiday party, prison style?"

"Yeah, I am," I respond feeling giddy thinking about seeing James. "I'd never expected them to have a Christmas party for families, but I'm glad someone over there cares enough to plan one for the kids."

"If they serve little wieners for an appetizer, don't eat them. God knows how long they've been there."

We laugh at the hideous face Heidi makes, trying to show her disgust, and stroll into a department store. I hope something catches my eye, so we can get out of here quickly.

As I pack my bag later that night, I place the wrapped picture album for my parents next to the letter I received from James a couple days ago. It was doubled enveloped, with instructions not to open the inner envelope until Christmas.

Tomorrow's event with him is centered on the joy of spending time with your loved ones, not giving gifts. Unnecessary guilt plagues me every time I think about how I'll walk away with Hunter, the best gift of all, and he'll leave empty handed.

My fingers brush along his messy handwriting, curious as to what the envelope holds inside. Whatever it is, I'll treasure it, knowing the letter will be my only form of communication with James on Christmas day.

_**~Criminal~**_

"Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas!" A cheery Santa greets us at the door of the visitation room.

Hunter studies Santa closely, watching his every move. When he steps closer to us, Hunter flashes him a toothy smile.

"Looks like we have a happy boy here. I bet he's on the good list this year." He pats him on the head.

I grin at Santa, politely agreeing with him then swiftly moving further into the room.

I glance around, viewing the festive décor. My excitement soars when I eye the rearranged layout of the furniture that allows families to sit together.

_I'll be next to James, instead of holding his hand from across the table. _

The sensation of a hand caressing my shoulder instinctively causes me to flinch away. I spin around quickly, almost losing my balance to see who's touching me.

My eyes land on the stunning man standing before me.

"Did I scare you, baby?" James teases, placing his hands on my arms to steady me.

His ice blue eyes draw me in with a brightness that has been dormant for months. I lower my gaze down his handsome face, noticing that his goatee is nicely trimmed. My breath hitches when I reach his lips and watch them turn into a smirk.

I'm completely mesmerized by his jovial appearance.

"Yeah," I stammer. "I'm just thrown off by how relaxed it is in here. It's a little surreal."

The double meaning behind my statement doesn't go unnoticed. James raises an eyebrow and lets out a chuckle at my dazed expression.

"Guess these fuckers are in the holiday spirit or some shit. There's no way they'd be this cool any other day."

James' free hand makes its way to the swell of my back, leading us over to a large couch against the back wall. We take a seat, sitting as close as we can get to one another without jolting James' injured shoulder. He reaches out to brush a strand of hair away from my face then leans in, placing a tender peck on my lips.

I stifle a moan as I'm fiercely struck by a jolt of yearning for more of his soft kisses.

"Shit, baby, don't do that. I may just say fuck it and keep going." James lets out a low groan as he pulls back from me. I open my eyes and am met with a lustful stare that I know matches my own.

_Good thing we're in a room full if people, or I may have said fuck it too._

Needing a distraction, I hand Hunter to James. "Merry Christmas, Daddy!"

James snickers at how obvious I am, but shifts his attention to Hunter anyways.

"There's my little man!"

Just when I think I can't see James any happier, he gets swept up in his son.

He peppers kisses all over our son's face and tickles his tummy. I lean back and watch them get lost in one another. Observing them makes me realize that _this _right here, is James' gift. Their bond is unbreakable no matter the obstacles between them.

The staff is diligent about keeping the extended visit on schedule in order to accommodate the festivities they've planned. We sit down at a long table when we're directed to, immediately receiving a plate of food. I chuckle to myself, my gaze lingering on the hotdogs.

"What are you laughing at over there?" James asks with a side-glance in my direction.

"Heidi told me to stay away from hot dogs." I shake my head thinking about how absurd this conversation is.

"She's fucking right. They're nasty shit around here." He starts shoveling the food in his mouth, and I follow his lead, not wanting to show how uneasy I am by what's been placed before me.

The best part of the bland food is watching James try to eat with Hunter in his arms. Hunter is his usual busy self, trying to wiggle and grab anything he can reach. There's no slowing down for him, not even for his daddy.

"He's crazy, T! How do you ever get to eat?"

I burst into laughter over his baffled look. The napkin I'm holding comes up to cover my mouth, while I begin to shake from trying to contain my amusement.

James acts like he isn't amused by my outburst, but the playful smirk plastered on his face tells me otherwise.

With lunch and dessert finished, we make our way back to the couch we occupied earlier. Santa makes an announcement that it's time for gifts as he hauls in an overstuffed bag over his shoulder.

I lean into James, shocked by their generosity. "Presents?"

"I'm sure they're from the fine citizens of Washington, not this hell hole," he sarcastically mutters in my ear before returning to keep Hunter busy.

When it's our turn with Santa, James places Hunter between us on the couch. Santa hands him a perfectly decorated box. James' face lights up helping Hunter unwrap his gift. He's radiating with excitement as he shows Hunter how to make the stuffed dog come to life by pushing his paw.

I look away from my boys, observing the joyful faces of everyone surrounding us. A feeling of contentment washes over me, filling the room to the brim. In the past couple hours we've all managed to be families, simply enjoying a holiday together.

No lavish gifts to gush over.

No elaborate meal that took hours to prepare.

No stress from high expectations to entertain.

Just love.

The memory of this day will be etched in my heart forever. I know I'll always think back to how spending time alongside criminals and the people they adore the most was the best Christmas I've ever had.

I reach out, seeking James' hand. When he looks up at me, I lean over to place a kiss on his cheek. "Merry Christmas, babe."

_**~Criminal ~**_

I tackle the lengthy drive to my parents' house, overflowing with bliss. The smile I left Airway Heights with reappears again as I recreate the day over and over in my mind. Even with miles separating us, part of me is still with James.

My contentment doesn't falter as I pull into my parents' driveway. Even in dusk's dim light I can tell that nothing has changed since my last visit here, two-and-a-half years ago. My parents' house stands picture perfect—manicured lawn, bright white trim against clean bricks, and a flag blowing in the breeze.

Before I can turn the car off, I see the front door fling open with my mom bustling out to us. I open my door, stepping out to greet her, "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, honey. How was the drive?"

"Great!" My enthusiasm catches her attention, making me giggle at her surprised expression.

"I take it your visit with James went well." She flashes a genuine smile at me then reaches into the back seat for Hunter's carrier.

Perplexed by her sincerity, I remain standing in place, absorbing her words.

"There's my favorite boy," she coos at him. "Let's get you guys out of the cold, and I'll send dad out for your bags."

As soon as I cross the threshold, I'm assaulted with the familiar smells and natural warmth of the house I grew up in. The walls are lined with family photos and shelves filled with mementos from family vacations. Each piece makes up my past, and with the added photos of Hunter, my future is represented, too.

"Peter, they're here!" My mom calls down to the basement once we've passed the stairwell.

My dad races up the stairs, greeting Hunter first with kisses, then me. We embrace in a tight hug, and before he pulls away, he whispers in my ear, "It's so good to have you home."

The evening progress calmly. We sit around the fireplace, enjoying a cup of homemade cider and watching Hunter play with the new toys my parents insist are not Christmas gifts.

When it's time to put Hunter to bed, I head towards my childhood bedroom, sort of excited to see the room that holds a lifetime of memories.

The door creaks loudly as I slowly push it forward. The noise reminds me of the time I got caught sneaking out, igniting a fit giggles as I walk further into the room. I scope out the bright purple walls, noticing the posters are long gone along with anything else that looked like it belonged to a teenager. The layout has changed as well to accommodate a chest of drawers and queen-size bed.

My mom trails in behind me, carrying our duffle bag.

"Dad forgot to set up the pack-n-play," she whispers, looking towards a sleeping Hunter on my shoulder.

After she sets up the portable crib, my mom covers him up and places a kiss on his forehead.

She straightens out the blanket then tiptoes to where I'm standing. We exchange a smile and she reaches to pull me into a hug.

"Hope you like what we've done to your room. We figured your old twin bed wasn't going to cut it when you guys come to visit us."

The day has proven that Christmas brings miracles in many forms. I hope these surprises continue throughout my visit and leave all of us in harmony as we to continue rebuilding our relationship.

_**~Criminal~**_

Christmas morning arrives with the aroma of coffee and breakfast, enticing me to leave the comfort of the bed. I smile into my pillow, feeling the envelope cushioned under it.

Last night, it felt childish to want to sleep so closely to paper, but this morning it gives me butterflies that I have a note from James waiting to be opened. I wish my son a Merry Christmas and join my parents downstairs.

We take our time eating French toast and bacon while I feed Hunter his cereal. Our conversation is centered on what's new in Yakima and who'll be joining us for dinner. My parents don't say it, but I know how thrilled they are to introduce Hunter to their friends.

After the kitchen has been cleaned up we move to the living room, taking a seat around the Christmas tree. We leisurely open presents; each one of Hunter's gets larger and noisier than the last. As we take turns helping him open his packages, I think back to the day before when it was James doing this. I look to the vacant spot next to me, wishing he were on the floor with us.

_Hopefully one day it will be the five of us sharing holidays together._

My parents love the photo album I gave them and take their time admiring the pictures I filled it with. My mom places a small rectangular box in my lap, and I waste no time eagerly ripping the paper away. A Visa gift card of a substantial amount is nestled in the tissue paper. I look up at my parents, stunned by their generosity.

"That's for you to treat yourself. _ No_ buying Hunter anything." My dad gives me a pointed looked as he chastises me.

"Will do, Daddy. Thank you." I smile sweetly at him, melting the stern look off his face.

I thank my mom as well, then help bundle up the shreds of wrapping paper covering the floor. When everything is back in place, I'm anxious to get to the last package still waiting to be opened.

"Now that Hunter needs to be entertained," I kid, motioning to the pile of toys scattered throughout the room, "Can you guys look after him for a little bit? I'm going to go get ready."

"Sure, sweetie, take your time," Mom answers me, barely lifting her eyes from the light-up car the three of them are playing with.

"Thanks. I'll be down soon."

I take the stairs two at a time and quietly close the door once I reach my bedroom. I crawl back into bed, snuggling into the warm flannel sheets, then slip my hand under the pillow to retrieve James' letter. My finger runs along the seal, imagining how close it was to James as he sealed it shut.

For all I know, this could be a simple letter wishing me Merry Christmas, but with the way James nervously mentioned it yesterday, I have a feeling it's much more.

_Dear Tori,_

_Merry Christmas, baby! With all the shit that's been happening lately, I wish I could be with you more than ever. I've never cared about Christmas. It's been just another day all my life but this year it feels different._

_I know I haven't said much about how counseling is going. It's fucking hard, T. Stefan is no fucking joke, and he doesn't put up with my bullshit. When I'm talking to him, I want to kick his ass, but when I leave, the shit he said sticks with me. _

_We've been talking a lot about the piss poor choices I've made. Looking back, walking up to you in that club is the only good decision I've ever made. And because of you, now I have Hunter._

_My biggest fear is that I'll fuck up his life. I have nothing to offer him on how to be a good man. I'm not someone he'll ever be able to look up to. Part of me wants to beg you to take him as far away as possible, but I can't live without you both. For the first time in my life, I have something to live for that's worth a damn._

_I hate that I can't give you a present today. You deserve to have whatever you want. I promise I'm going to do my best to give you that someday. For now, all I have to give you is me. You've asked hundreds of times about my life growing up and I always brushed you off. Not going to do that anymore. You've want to know about my fucked up life, so I'm going to tell you now because I don't want to keep my secrets from you any longer. _

My throat begins to close around lump that's forming over James' despair. I try to push back the rising ache in my chest, but it's impossible since I feel as hopeless as he does. Failure consumes me for not being able to get through to him that it's not too late to be the dad he wants to be for Hunter. I take deep breaths, preparing myself to hear how the man I love has lived a sinister life.

_I come from a long line of gang members. My dad was one and my earliest memory of him is watching him clean his gun, while he bragged to a buddy how many people he knocked off the night before. _

_My parents were never married. I think my mom stuck around because my dad kept her high as a fucking kite most of time. She seemed to care about me, but I never felt loved. _

_When I started school, my teachers knew I needed extra attention and found small ways to give it to me. They always helped me with my homework because they knew it wouldn't get done if I took it home. I was a broken down, shy kid and everyone saw it._

_As I got into junior high, I got picked on for having ratty clothes and never having lunch money. My dad would fuck me up worse when I got home, because he considered me a pussy for getting my ass kicked all the time. I became _angry_, hating everyone, but mostly my parents for putting me in that situation. _

Heavy tears stream down my cheeks with visions of James being neglected as a child, starving for attention and desperate for affection. Flashes of memories fill my mind to where James would cling to me like a child after we had a bad fight. I now understand why: he never had anyone to support him during hard times, to reassure him that things would be okay, to simply love him. My hands grip the letter, needing to hold onto him in some way as I continue on.

_I met this kid, Sam. We had a lot in common with having fucked up parents. We started becoming the bullies, picking on people, taking their lunch money so we could eat. We stole our first car together._

_In some fucked up way, my dad was proud of me when we got caught. To him, I finally became something worthy. He started paying more attention to me, letting me hang around him when his friends came by. I started to idolize these fuckers because they seemed like they were on the top of the world. I thought they had it all and I wanted that too._

_My mom took off one day when I was in high school and I never saw her again. A couple years later, my dad let it slip that she overdosed on crack. No one cared that she was gone. Nothing was ever said about her again._

My stomach lurches and hatred for James Sr. runs through my veins like a wildfire. He gave James the perception that he was only worth his time because he fearlessly acted out breaking laws.

My heart tears to shreds thinking about his mom, questioning if she dismissed James only because of how messed up she was. I think about having Hunter and try to comprehend how she couldn't have fallen madly in love with her child from the moment she laid eyes on him. I grieve for her since she's the woman that brought James into this world and because no human being should be dismissed the way she was.

I try to calm myself down, but there's no point. My sorrow is too deep. I blink my eyes to clear the tears in order to find my place again.

_In high school, I was still an outcast but didn't give a fuck because people knew not to mess with me. Everyone was talking about colleges, life after school and I knew I'd never have the kind of money it would take to get anywhere. I liked to draw and was actually good at it. The art teacher tried to convince me to apply for a scholarship at an art school. I laughed in her face, knowing one look at me was all it would take to be denied._

_The day after graduation, I gave in and joined The Volturi. The power I felt from being one of them became an addiction. It felt good to be praised for being ruthless. They gave me roots that I never knew I wanted and became my family._

_I laugh now that my dad made sure to call me a pussy every chance he got. He's the fucking pussy after all. A couple years after I joined, he fucked up bad. He thought he'd get further to the top by fucking with one of our own. They took his ass out without thinking twice about it. _

_I could go on and tell you fucked up stories all day but I'm over that shit. I never gave a fuck about my life and the shit I did until I met you. Now I regret feeling like there was no other option. I sure in the hell would have found one if I knew I was going to meet you someday._

_I got a lot of shit to deal with, Tori. I love you and Hunter too much to fuck up your lives. I'm going to find away to make sure it doesn't happen because being with you guys is the only option I want now. Please don't give up on me, on us, because you both are my life now and I'm going to prove that you._

_Give the little man a kiss for me, tell him I love him and owe him a letter too. I hope you have a great day with your family. They love you just as much as I do._

_Love you, baby,_

_J_

_P.S. Tell your parents I said thank you, again. _

_**~Criminal~**_

I'm hysterical by the time I reach the last line. Loud sobs and gasps for air emerge while I clench the letter in my hands. Every fiber of my being grieves for James. The life he was denied left him feeling powerless against a life of crime. If he didn't join The Volturi, he may not have survived at all.

I sink further in my bed, hoping the blankets will drown out my cries. My tears are endless and keep materializing as soon as one falls. I close my eyes, trying to think of a happy memory I have with James, desperate to look past the lost little boy in this letter and find the man I fell in love with.

I feel my body drift into unconsciousness thinking back to the first date we ever went on. His shyness was endearing, especially coming from a man that looked a little rough around the edges. It was apparent how uneasy he felt, but the attention he gave me never wavered. I left that night knowing he was something special. Now, more than ever, I hope I've showed him that ever since.

When I open my eyes, they happen to be level with the end of the letter. I read it over again, memorizing each word he uses to describe his love for us. When I reach the bottom, I realize I wasn't paying close attention to the ending my first read through, not noticing he mentioned my parents.

_What the hell is he talking about? Why would he be thanking them?_

I hastily sit up in bed and swiftly whip the covers off, anxious to get some answers from my parents. My emotions are raw, and I'm on edge, making me uneasy for the outcome of this conversation.

_It can't be good if I was left in the dark about this meeting._

I tromp down the stairs, quickly reaching the living room. My parents take in my tousled appearance as I barge into the room.

I shove the letter in my mom's face, demanding an answer. "Why is James telling me to thank you?"

The happiness in her face drains and is immediately replaced with trepidation. She turns her head slowly, looking to my dad for assistance.

They both remain quiet, staring each other down in silent conversation.

My mom hesitantly looks back at me and responds, "We went to visit James last week to-"

"You did what?" I shout harshly. "Why would you want to see him?"

I glare at my parents with my arms crossed, unable to shake the shock over hearing what they've done.

"Calm down, Victoria, so we can explain." My dad's tone is firm while he holds my unyielding gaze.

I start to feel lightheaded from the horrid images swirling in my head of the three of them sitting down together.

"We went to see James because we wanted to let him know we're ready to give him a chance." My mom's voice is full of emotion as she speaks. Her expressive eyes shine at me as I fall apart.

Her statement pierces me to the core, deflating the reservations I've had towards my parents. I waste no time falling to my knees and engulfing them in hug.

"Thank you," I weep over and over.

Their actions have spoken louder than words ever could. They respect my decision to spend my life with James and are finally opening up to him in order to bring my family are finally giving me everything I want.

* * *

_**Thoughts on James' life story? Does it make more sense now why he's in a gang and hasn't been able to walk away from the only lifestyle he's ever known? Things are changing though; love is a powerful thing and James is finally surrounded by it.**_

_**Photobucket has been updated with Carlisle, Hunter and James Sr. I'm warning you, James Sr. looks as creepy as he sounds. ( The link is on our profile) **_

_**Two chapters and an Epi to go; I'm getting sad the end is near. The good news is I'm working on an outtake and have an idea for another. If there is anything in particular you'd like to see, let me know and I'll consider writing it.**_

_**Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.**_

_**Jadsmama**_


	14. Crossroads

**Chapter Fourteen- Crossroads**

_Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.__  
__Now I need a place to hide away.__  
__Oh, I believe in yesterday._

_Yesterday ~ The Beatles_

* * *

**February, 2013 **

Just as seasons change, so do lives. Two months after Christmas, I'm still stunned how James' letter took the crippled world I knew, shook it up then restored it to something better than I could have imagined.

It shed some light on the darker parts of his life, tore down walls he'd long built and fortified, and allowed me to see him in a way I never have before. James' plea for me not to give up on him filled me with strength. When I start to feel hopeless I recall his wretched story, knowing his endless strength will carry us through this ordeal, too.

The fragile relationship between my parents and me has gotten stronger by the day. We have reached a new level of understanding about each other's feelings, but, more importantly, we're committed to being a united family once again.

Letters from James begin to pour in for both Hunter and me. Therapy continues to push him to open himself up, but in doing so, his anxiety skyrockets.

A week after Valentine's Day, I receive a letter that makes me worry about him more than ever before.

_Tori,_

_It's a weird day here and that's saying a lot for this hell hole. I don't know what it is, but something feels wrong. I know I'm not making any sense. I can't even explain this shit right. I've spotted fuckers creeping around here that I never have before. These jackasses are stupid to put so many enemies together. Guess the pigs don't know shit like they claim to because if they did, they would know it's bound to get ugly in here soon._

_Normally I wouldn't tell you this, but I worry so fucking much about you guys, baby. Felix says it's no better there. PLEASE BE CAREFUL! I know you don't get caught up in any bullshit, but watch where you go and tell Felix if you notice anything strange. I may be out of sight, but I doubt I'm out of mind and I am still connected to The Volturi. _

_Fuck…. I should never have got you caught up in this shit. I'm so fucking sorry. I swear to you even from this shit hole that I'll keep you both safe, T. I swear it. You guys are my only priority now._

_I love you, baby. Give Hunter a kiss for me. _

_J_

I've become more vigilant of my surroundings since receiving James' request, but I haven't let fear prevent me from living. As the weather becomes warmer, Hunter and I start going on play dates with the kids we've met through Heidi. We never speak of James' anxieties, but, when Felix starts popping up more often, I know I'm not the only one aware of them.

_**~Criminal~**_

**May, 2013**

I'm thankful for the distraction of having a toddler in the house, because Hunter makes the days pass by in a blur. Come April, when it's time to start planning Hunter's party, I fall into a mild depression. His impending birthday is a reminder that James won't be with us for yet another milestone.

My mom suggests having James help me with the planning as much as possible. It's comforting when I receive a letter back with the options he's picked. His choice of trains as the theme leaves me curious as to how that plays into his childhood, hoping he got to enjoy all the fun toys little boys love.

With James' opinions and my parent's help, we're able to pull off a great party at the park in my complex. A couple tables are set up with Thomas the Train tablecloths and Thomas balloons are tied to the trees, bringing the area to life.

My sadness over James' absence lessens as I glance around the party. I can feel James' presence with us through Hunter, our friends, and the details he selected.

_He's managed to be a part of this party after all._

To get myself out of my deeper thoughts, I look down at Hunter and place all my attention back on the little boy who been showing me the true meaning of life for the past year.

"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Hunter…"

Hunter shifts his attention between the cake in front of him and the small crowd singing to him.

"Happy birthday to you!"

"Blow out your candle, sweetie," I say happily in his ear, placing a kiss on his hair.

"Ball," Hunter replies, causing everyone to laugh while the candle continues to melt.

"No ball, silly. Here, watch Mommy." I lean closer to him to demonstrate, but instead of following my lead, he laughs.

"Maybe next year you'll understand." I quickly snuff the candle, laughing alongside the group.

My mom cuts Hunter a piece of cake before whisking it away to serve everyone else. His tiny finger curiously reaches out, pushing into the icing. Hunter's face lights up with wonder when he feels the squishy cake in between his fingers.

"Oh my, he's really getting into tearing apart his cake," Esme says as she appears next me, thoroughly amused by the sight of my messy son.

"He's the birthday boy. If that's what he wants to do, so be it." I chuckle, looking around for my camera.

The rest of the party goes off without a hitch. Hunter loves being the center of attention, and everyone is happy to oblige him. Guests mingles as if they're old friends, enjoying each other's company. My concerns over my parents being put off by the inclusion of other Volturi members and their families vanishes quickly, allowing me to relax and enjoy the party.

Dead on my feet, I get everything cleaned up and take my tired birthday boy home.

I mange to find places for the new toys and give Hunter a bath, ridding him of dried icing everywhere his hands could reach. As I pull him out of the bath, I share with him that he has one more thing to open.

"Daddy sent you a letter. Should we go see what he has to say?"

"Dada?" His bright eyes look at me confused.

His question makes my eyes sting. I wish James was here or there was a way to call him when we simply need to hear his voice. Instead of wallowing that we haven't heard from him today, I open the letter I received for Hunter and follow James' directions to tell his son Happy Birthday for him.

_Happy 1__st__ birthday little man! _

_I'm sure you're wondering why daddy wasn't at your party today. One day I'll explain that to you but for now just know you're the only thing I'm thinking about today. _

_Mommy told me your party is going to be at a park. I would have loved to push you on the swing or hear you laugh going down the slide. My favorite was the monkey bars, but you're a little to young for those. I see a lot of trips to the park in our future, son. I've got a lot of things to teach you about ruling the playground. Don't tell your mommy I said that though or I'll be in big trouble!_

_I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and with some help from a good man here, I'm working really hard to be able to start these trips and so much more with you soon. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this happen, son, because I miss you and mommy so much. _

_Daddy might not get to write you as much because I'm going to start working. It's not a really good job, but it's something to help important people see that they should let me come home to you sooner. _

_A little lesson for you, son (and no getting upset with me for making you learn something on your birthday), do well in school, so one day you can get a good job. I really don't care what that is, as long as it's something you like to do and gets you somewhere in life. That's all I'm going to say for now, we can talk about the job thing when you're older. _

_I hope you had the best birthday, Hunter. Your mommy worked really hard to make it special for you. I know I couldn't do anything to help but I hope you liked the train idea. If you happen to like trains when daddy comes home, we'll go pick out one for you._

_Give mommy a kiss for me because she should get to celebrate today too for having you._

_I love you, son. Always remember that._

_Love, _

_Your Daddy_

"Dada," Hunter squeals as I finish reading the letter to him. The mention of James' name brings me happiness instead of tears this time around.

"Yes, Dada wrote you this letter because he loves you so much." I squeeze him tighter, trying to convey James' love through my touch.

I fall deeper in love with James each time I read his words to our son. They're normally pretty simple but he's always stressing his love and mentioning how he can't wait to come home to us.

The way he expresses his desire to teach Hunter something or take him places proves that his worries about having nothing sufficient to offer as a father are bogus. James is working hard to become a good man, not just in my eyes, but to society as a whole. He's going to be a great father because he'll be able to guide Hunter through tough life experiences by being able to relate to them, as well as show him the importance of living an honest life.

"One day, little man, we're going to get your daddy to see himself the way we see him."

_**~Criminal~**_

**July, 2013**

I rap my knuckles against the door, antsy to pick up Hunter and get home to wash away the day.

"Oh hello, dear," Mrs. Cope says, her eyes widening as she sees me at the door. "I was expecting to see Heidi or Felix. They said they'd pick up Alec early but still haven't shown up."

I step through the doorway, thinking over the conversation I had with Heidi the night before. "That's strange. I'm pretty sure she told me he had a doctor's appointment today."

I follow Mrs. Cope further into her house, heading towards the playroom. Hunter and Alec are sitting on the floor together, lost in the excitement of playing with cars.

Hunter looks up just as I walk into the room.

"Mama!" he squeals, getting up to wobble over to me. He started walking shortly after his birthday, and now, two months later, he's trying to tackle running.

I kneel down to catch him in my arms. "Hi, sweet boy, did you have a good day?"

"Cah." He holds up his tight fist, shoving it in my face.

"C-a-r," I slowly enunciate, slowly pushing his hand back down, and notice that Alec is curiously peeking around me.

"Is my Mommy with you?" His eyes are as big as saucers, realizing there is no one standing behind me.

"She isn't sweetie, but I'm going to call her and see where she is."

"Okay," he replies.

He begins to make car sounds, so I let Hunter go, directing him to resume the car races with Alec.

I dig deep into my purse and pull out my cell phone. My fingers slide rapidly across the number pad, then I place the phone against my ear. I refrain from rolling my eyes as listen to the obnoxious song she has as the playback ring tone. My eyebrows crease as the song blares through the phone line a lot longer than I like.

_It's not like Heidi to avoid my calls… or to forget to pick up her son._

Right before her voicemail should click over, a rough voice answers.

"Heidi?" I question.

"Yeah."

"Hey, I'm at Mrs. Cope's and she said you guys should've been here by now." I pause, deliberating over how odd her short response was. "You okay?"

"He's gone."

I repeat her words to myself a few times trying to digest them, but my mind refuses to accept what she's saying.

_James._

Realization breaks through the barrier of fear that's raging within my body. My thumping heart soars faster and my breath quickens, causing my head to spin and making it almost impossible to speak. I manage to get one word out, needing confirmation for my suspicions behind her devastating news.

"What?" I cry out.

I swallow hard and divert my eyes away from my son, no longer feeling strong enough to face him.

I can't contain my distressed gaze as I meet Mrs. Cope's stare. Judging by the shock shining in her eyes, she knows something is wrong.

My anxiety rises as the line remains silent. A shallow whimper emerges from my throat, pushing Heidi to respond to me.

"Felix. He's gone." Her voice is gravely.

I take slow, deep, breaths letting the air fill my lungs as I try to get a handle on my ragged breathing. Remorse sweeps over me, and it takes all the strength I have not to hurl forward in pain as my stomach twists in knots from the shame that's accompanying the relief.

My worst fear has become a reality for my best friend, and my first thought is to be thankful James is okay.

_What kind of friend am I?_

I turn away from the boys not wanting to scare them as I release the pooled tears blurring my vision.

"Are you at home?" My voice breaks as I question her.

"Yes."

"Okay, I'm bringing Alec home. We'll be there in a couple of minutes."

"Thank you."

As the line goes dead, I wipe the tears off my cheeks, preparing myself to face Alec knowing his world is about to fall apart.

"Sweetie, go get your things. I'm going to take you home."

Mrs. Cope doesn't speak; her eyes are wild with fear as she waits for an explanation. Before picking Hunter up again, I pull her into a hug to repeat Heidi's words in a whisper, "Felix… he's gone." Her breath hitches as her grasp on me tightens. "I'll call you. I need to take care of Heidi."

She nods her head, weakly telling me to call if there's anything she can do.

The car ride across town is filled with Alec sharing random facts about their day at daycare. I let him ramble, wanting to give him a few more of minutes of normality before his world crashes. While he excitedly talks, sounding much like his mom, I'm overwhelmed with distress from wondering what happened to his dad.

I noisily gasp for air as James' face flickers to the forefront of my mind. How am I going to break the news to him that he's lost his best friend? Will this be what breaks him, making him spiral back into the angry man he's being fighting so hard against?

_Please, God. Don't let that happen._

As we pull down Heidi's street, I let my apprehensions about James go. Heidi has been my strength too many times to count, and now it's my time to be hers.

"Heidi?" I call out as I enter the house.

I don't need a verbal response as piecing sobs lead me to her. The strength I've managed to obtain dissolves as soon as I take in the broken shell of a person curled up on the couch.

"Can you show Hunter the toys in your room, buddy? I'll come get you guys in a minute." My voice cracks with pent up emotion.

Instead of answering me, Alec looks away from his mom and fearfully looks up at me. "Why's Mommy crying?"

My heart plunges to the ground. I stammer, trying to think of what to say.

_How do you tell a four year old his dad died today?_

"She's very sad right now." I take a deep breath, praying I can hold it together a little bit longer. "I'm going to talk to her for a minute then come get you, okay?"

His confusion is apparent but he nods his head, slowly stepping away from the doorway we're standing in.

When Alec is fully out of sight, I make my way to Heidi's side. I sit down besides her, swiftly pulling her into my arms. Her body trembles against mine, shaking us both.

"Why, Vic? Why _him_?" Her fists grasp my shirt tightly as she weeps into my shoulder.

"I don't know, Heidi, but I'm _so_ sorry."

"I can't… I can't—" she tries to say as she gasps for air, unable to finish her sentence.

The ache in my chest is unbearable as I grieve with my friend. I cry with her, ignoring the hatred that is welling up inside me at the lifestyle our men have chosen, a lifestyle that does nothing but take from people. Today it stole a young boy's father, a woman's husband, and a man's best friend.

My mind rapidly shifts from Felix to James. I'm punched in the gut by the realization of how easily life can end. This could have been me. I could have been the one that lost the love of my life today. My cries become louder as I absorb some of Heidi's heartbreak. There will be no more goodbye kisses, no _I love you_ to be said, and no one by her side to watch her son grow up.

"Mommy?" Alec calls out hesitantly.

Heidi's head turns at the sound of his voice; her sobs calm to small whimpers as she looks at him. She briefly turns back towards me. Her eyes are red-rimmed, glossy, and bursting with fear.

"Come give your mommy a hug. She really needs one from you," I intervene, helping Heidi get a handle on her emotions enough to talk to Alec.

I back up, and he takes my spot. She engulfs him in a tight hug, resuming her distraught cries.

"Why are you so sad Mommy? And where's Daddy? I want him to get down my remote control car so I can show Hunter."

I place my hand on Alec's back, rubbing gentle circles and hoping my touch will help soothe him as Heidi explains the situation.

"Daddy won't be able to help you, baby." Her voice cracks as she speaks. "He... he… died. He's in heaven."

"When will he come home?"

"He won't, baby. Daddy will be there forever." Heidi's voice drops to barely a whisper as she crushes her son's hope of seeing his daddy again.

I quietly slip away to give them a minute alone as they cling to one another. When I reach Alec's bedroom, I see Hunter happily playing with toys on the floor. I briskly reach for him, pulling him into arms and tightening my grasp.

"I love you so much, Hunter." I kiss him repeatedly, relishing the comfort he brings to my life.

Not wanting to be away from him, I take a few toys with me and rejoin Heidi and Alec in the living room. She's sitting upright, rocking Alec as he cries into her chest. Her swollen eyes reach mine, pleading with me to help her.

I sit down next to them on the couch, pulling them both into my side. Heidi does her best to answer Alec's questions, and I step in when it becomes unbearable for her to speak. Together, we explain to Alec that his daddy loved him very much and nothing will change that. My heart breaks into pieces as he expresses his fears that Heidi will end up leaving him too. After calling for Felix nonstop, he finally cries himself to sleep. Exhaustion takes over for Heidi as well as she slips into a broken sleep, clinging to the little boy in her arms. I cover them up with a blanket and leave a note that I'm running home to grab some clothes for us to spend the night.

Hunter falls asleep on the ride home, leaving me to my thoughts. My heart is with Alec and Heidi while they grieve, but my mind is with James. Fear rises as I consider how he'll handle hearing of his best friend's death.

_Airway Heights may have a caged animal on their hands shortly. _

_**~Criminal~**_

**August, 2013**

Three weeks after Felix's death, a small group forms for a memorial service to lay his ashes to rest. Heidi holds Alec in her arms, crying as we listen to Felix's friends speak about him with admiration. Each story centers on Felix's loyalty, his jovial personality, and his love for his family. He's remembered with respect for his attributes and with sympathy for losing his young life too soon.

A thunderstorm passes through as the service concludes. I lean into Heidi's side to whisper into her ear, "You hear that? That's Felix telling you he can zap your ass now when you get too crazy."

Heidi chuckles for the first time in weeks, and I know she'll make it through this.

Feeling somber and exhausted, I opt to go home for the night instead of sleeping at Heidi's house. Her parents have flown in from California, and her sister is staying over as well.

The weeks since his death have been daunting. It took investigators several weeks to conclude their homicide investigation, so everyone was in limbo waiting for his body to be released for burial. Waiting to have some closure took its toll on everyone, especially Heidi.

I seek comfort from my son, allowing him to sleep in my bed, and fall into a dreamless sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

My hand aimlessly searches for my ringing cell phone, wincing at the thought of waking Hunter up because Heidi wants me to come back.

"Hello," I croak out.

"Tori."

"Babe?" I question, wondering what time it is if I'm getting a call from James already.

"Yeah, you awake? We need to talk." The flatness of James' voice is unnerving.

"What's wrong?" I ask worriedly.

"You being in Seattle is what's wrong. You need to get the fuck away from there, now."

"What are you talking about? I'm not leaving Seattle, James." I sit up in bed, preparing myself for the imminent argument.

"The fuck you aren't!" he seethes into the phone. The line momentarily remains quiet until I hear him release a calming breath.

"Please don't fight me on this. I don't think it's safe for you and Hunter anymore. I need you to leave before I lose my fucking mind even more than I have these past couple of weeks."

"But… what about my job and apartment? Heidi…I can't leave her now," I stammer.

"You'll get a new one, and she can go with you. Call your parents; you know they'll be cool if you stay with them for a while."

His desire to keep us out of harm's way is endearing, but his demanding approach is beginning to frustrate me.

Hunter rolls over, pulling the blankets with him and reminding I'm not alone. I gently get out of bed, making sure not to disturb him and exit my room. Once I step foot in the hallway, I don't hold back from shouting into the phone.

"So this is how it's always going to be for us, huh? After all the shit I've been through you're still going to keep us apart."

"Keep us apart? What the hell are you talking about?" His tone is short, expressing his mutual aggravation with me.

"You'll be in Seattle as soon as you get out and I'll be hours away in Yakima. I guess we're not on the same fucking page again."

I begin to pace back in forth, unable to sit still from being consumed with deception.

James lets out an exasperated breath before his tone softens. "Baby, you got it all wrong."

I stop dead in my tracks, wondering what he's talking about.

"I thought you understood. I'm not going back to Seattle without you and Hunter. There's nothing left for me there."


	15. Beginning

**Chapter Fifteen- Beginning**

_Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise._

_This world that I found is too good to be true._

_Standing here beside you, I want so much to give you this love in my heart that im feeling for you_

_Let them say we're crazy._

_I don't care about that._

_Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back._

_Let the world around us just fall apart._

_Maybe we can make it if we're heart to heart._

_And we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing's gonna stop us now._

_And if this world runs out of lovers we'll still have each other._

_Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now._

_Nothing is Going to Stop Us Now ~ Starship_

* * *

**September, 2013 **

"Are those honking noises I hear in the background?" Heidi blurts out as soon as I answer the phone.

I glance around my noiseless apartment as a reaction to her odd question.

"Umm… no. I'm at home, and the TV is off," I answer hesitantly.

"Oh, my bad. I figured you'd be on your way to Yakima today."

I roll my eyes at her lame attempt to bring up the subject that's been looming over my head for the past month.

"Don't you think I would've mentioned a move when we talked yesterday?"

"I was hoping you were trying to surprise me," she deadpans.

My sigh is the only response she gets from me. I'm not ready to get into the topic of moving with Heidi; it's bad enough it's become the subject of every conversation I have with James.

"Okay, Vic, tell me one good reason why you shouldn't move and I'll drop it."

Twinges from the mounting tension in my neck and shoulder blades increase as I mentally run down the list of reasons, wanting to choose one that Heidi is least likely to oppose.

"You must be thinkin' really hard over there." I can imagine the smirk on her face in spite of the bubbly tone of her voice.

_Damn her for knowing me so well! _

"Oh, shut up! There are too many reasons to pick from. That's why it's taking so long." Dryness coats my throat as the lie leaves my lips.

I get off the couch to get a glass of water, knowing Heidi is not going to let me off the hook that easily.

"Riggghhttt . You have, like, three reasons and none are good enough for you to stay in Seattle with all the shit that's going down with The Volturi."

The way she poses her statement sound oddly familiar. "Have you been talking to James?

"Maybe. The dude is getting bored only having you to talk to these days."

I laugh at her response but realize I'm going to have to cave and admit everyone is right. There is nothing tying me to Seattle anymore.

"Fine, you're right. I don't really have any legit reasons to stay. I know I can find a new job, remain friends with Esme, and find a new apartment, but it feels like I'm surrendering my life over to them by being too scared to live here."

"I hear what you're saying, girlfriend, but it's more like ensuring you _have_ a life to live." Her voice dips down as she skirts the subject of what happened to Felix.

"You're right," I huff, agitated that I have to declare it out loud.

"About damn time you admit it! I know you though; you're still hesitant about moving, even though you know it's the right decision. So let's look at it a different way."

"What other way? I either go or stay," I retort nonchalantly before taking a sip of my drink.

"If you would've let me finish, you would know that I'm talking about how your decision to stay in Seattle can affect James. When did you say the earliest he could get out on parole is?"

I slump back down onto the couch, feeling like we have an eternity to go before he's released. "August of next year."

"So, we're talking eleven months. And where do you think James will go when he gets out?"

"He better fucking coming here!" My voice rises higher than I intend it to.

"Yes, to your place in _Seattle_. Which happens to be only blocks away from Marcus' house and close to Caius' bar. You know what kind of shit goes down there."

The gravity behind her composed tone sends chills up my spine as gruesome images of the shady establishment become the center of my thoughts.

Heidi's continues to paint the picture of men that could rip my life away from me again. "Let's not forget Aro… that man has eyes all over Seattle. So tell me how long you think James will be comfy cozy in your apartment and not get approached by one of those assholes?"

I contemplate what she's saying. I've never considered the aftermath of James' release when it comes to The Volturi's influence on his life, because his release has always seemed so far away. As Heidi has just brought to my attention, it's actually closer than I thought.

She has a point; I need to start thinking about the more technical aspects of our future together. After two years of living through hell, I'll be damned if I ever go through this again because he gets caught up in the wrong crowd a second time.

"You're not talking, so you must be figuring out how big of a U-Haul you'll need." Heidi's sing-song voice is exploding with delight as she rejoices in softening my resolve.

"But Heidi," I whine, envisioning my mom hovering over me, criticizing the way I parent Hunter. "I love my parents, but I haven't lived at home since I was eighteen. They're going to drive me insane."

"Our soul-sisters status will reach a whole new level then, because I'm 'bout to lose my shit with mine. I think moving to California wasn't the best idea I ever had."

"You better be prepared to hear my bitching then, 'cause every time they annoy me, I'm bugging you!" I respond with a chuckle.

"Won't be anything new," Heidi jokes, lightening the mood and allowing us to move on to more pleasant topics of conversation.

We say goodbye, knowing it won't be long before we're on the phone together again. Ever since she returned to California with her parents, after everything was settled with Felix's burial, we've become even more inseparable.

The new scenery is doing Heidi a world of good. Each time we speak, she sounds a little bit more like her old self. With the help of counseling, she's managing to cope through the days when her grief seems unbearable.

Once again her strength astonishes and encourages me to continue to push though the obstacles in my life.

I scan my apartment, already dreading the tedious process of packing and everything else that comes with moving.

With Hunter still asleep, I know I should call to my parents, but instead I sit back and savor the peacefulness. My days of having tranquility are now numbered.

_**~Criminal~**_

**January, 2014**

I've always wanted to be a beautician. Beauty school was a breeze and afterward, I was fortunate to find a job at Esme's salon. I always considered it a lucky find. Not only have been I surrounded by talented beauticians, but, more importantly, I have been mentored by the greatest boss I've ever had.

Finding a job at a salon in Yakima has proven that such a place is hard to find. It takes all the energy I can muster to go to work each day. Carmen is a fair boss and has taken a liking to me, but the atmosphere amongst the staff isn't all that welcoming.

After another miserable day, I trudge through the front door of my parent's house, already dreading that I'll have to leave the next day.

The heaviness of fatigue weighs me down as I shuffle across the carpet leading to the living room.

When I reach the armchair closest to the entryway, I sink down onto the cushions and let out a sigh of relief at finally be off my feet.

My mom looks up from her book to greet me. "Hi, honey, how was work?"

"Horrible. I hate it there; it's nothing like Esme's shop," I grumble, keeping my statement simple and straight to the point.

"It's only been a couple months, so give it some more time. You've had a lot of changes lately, and it's bound to take a while to establish a new routine."

"I know, Mom. I just miss Esme." Leaving her shop has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it would. Phone conversations aren't enough to fill the void I feel at being away from one of my best friends.

"Why don't you invite her for a visit? I'm sure she misses you, too," she suggests, shutting her book.

'"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll give her a call."

After several minutes of speaking to my mom, it dawns on me it's too silent for a house that has a wild twenty-one month old living in it.

"It's too quiet in here. Did you tie Hunter up in the basement or something?" I chuckle, thinking about my son and his boundless energy that keeps all of us running in different directions.

My parents love having their grandson around, but I don't think they were prepared for a rambunctious toddler to take over their house.

"No, but I may have thought about it after he dumped out all my flower pots this afternoon." The long-winded exhale she releases is a clear indication of her frustration with my son.

"I'm sorry. I'll replant them for you this weekend." I groan, trying to think of a way to keep him from getting into so much mischief all the time.

"Oh, that's okay. You know I love my gardening projects, and this will give me something to do." She smiles brightly at me. Clearly, the doting grandma in her can never stay mad at her grandson for too long.

"Where is my little monster? He's normally all over me as soon as I walk through the door." I look around at the scattered mess of toys and books that are verification he can't be too far away.

"Papa took him upstairs to play with his toys, so I could have a break."

"If he gets to be too much trouble, let me know. I'll have him go to Mrs. Brandon full time."

"Stop that, Victoria. He's just being a little boy, and there's no need to have her watch him if we're available." Her stern expression is a warning that I've come close to insulting her by mentioning putting Hunter in daycare full time.

"Okay… but don't hesitate to tell me if it becomes too much." My eyebrow rises, matching her stance.

"Will do." She faintly smiles at me, and then opens up her book to resuming reading.

I pull myself out of the chair, ready to find my son and relieve my dad of his babysitting duties. As I head towards the stairs, my mom calls out to me.

"I forgot to tell you, your mail is on the counter. There's a letter from James."

I excitedly turn on my heels, and head towards the kitchen. Receiving a note from James still makes me giddy even after two-and-a half years. He never holds back with his thoughts, and, over time, they've evolved immensely. I can see how hard he's working and how proud he is with his progress.

_He's finally starting to see himself the way I do. _

My fingers twitch in anticipation of tearing open the envelope, but there's a little boy upstairs I've been waiting to see all day. I grab my pile of mail and carry on with what I was doing before.

Laughter and silly voices filter from our room as I reach the landing at the top of the stairs. I quietly approach the doorway, not wanting to make my presence known just yet.

My dad is lying on his stomach, bringing a T-Rex to life with load roars. Hunter is mimicking his stance, laughing hysterically at my dad's animation of his beloved dinosaur.

It warms my heart to know I've given my parents, especially my dad, the boy they always dreamed of. There's no doubt he's reliving his youth through Hunter.

"Got an extra dinosaur for me?" I call out, getting their attention.

"Mama home!" Hunter lights up as he notices me. He wastes no time getting up and almost tripping over my dad to get to me.

"Having fun with Papa, little man?" I probe, placing a kiss on his cheek.

"Dinosaw," he replies seriously while patting my dad's leg, causing me to fight against the laugher brewing in my chest.

"Oh, sorry. Is there room for one more in the jungle?"

He excitedly nods his head, answering me.

The three of us play on the floor until Hunter's yawn becomes just as loud as our dinosaur roars. I give him a quick bath and lay him down in his toddler bed. I run my fingers leisurely through his strawberry-blond locks until he drifts asleep.

My eyes land on the pile of mail sitting on the edge of my dresser, reminding me that I haven't had the opportunity to read my letter yet. I rush through my nightly routine then go downstairs so I won't disturb Hunter.

I curl up on the couch with a cozy blanket and hastily break the seal of the envelope.

_Hey Baby,_

_I kinda feel like a dickhead that I didn't tell you this over the phone the other day but I was waiting for Stefan to hook me up with something I want to show you. _

_I got my parole hearing date on June 17__th__ and if it goes well, I'll be out of this shit hole in August._

_Can you fucking believe it, T? I never thought these fuckers would ever give me a chance. Hell, I don't know why they are but I'm not bitching about it._

_Stefan says there is a lot of shit that needs to be done in the next four months. He must forget I've got nothing but time on my hands. He's working to get me a checklist and helping me get signed up with a prison services attendant. I have no fucking clue who that is but I guess they'll help with your parole when you can't afford an attorney._

_Fuck… I wish I could get one but they're too damn expensive._

_I'm so stoked that I may be free in only six months. I thought my ass would be stuck here for the full five years. Shit, I still may be but I can't think of that right now._

_Don't be mad at me for holding out on you. I just wanted to show you proof that things are changing for us._

_Love ya, babe,_

_J_

I sit up in a rush of excitement, wanting to dance around and squeal as loud as I can.

"Ohmygod…ohmygod...ohmygod," I chant to myself, reading over the letter addressed to James from Airway Heights. It doesn't give me any additional information, but it doesn't matter. All we need to know is June seventeenth is the day our fate will be decided.

James is right—everything is changing, and I'm ecstatic that we may finally be getting a break, a chance to begin living life together again.

_**~Criminal~**_

**February, 2014**

My life has become a whirlwind ever since we were informed of James' impending parole hearing a month ago. He was given an extensive checklist of what needs to be done, including directions for him to turn in a release plan one month prior to the hearing.

This plan is to show he has every aspect of his life planned out for when he walks out of prison. Most of the requirements are items he needs to set up himself along with the assistance of Diego, his advisor assigned to him through the prison.

Together, they've already set up a place to continue his counseling and have established a Community Corrections Officer. Securing a job has been the biggest hurdle for James, but his Corrections Officer is looking into a few places that have taken ex-convicts in these situations before.

I've done my part to help him as well, securing us a place to live. The two-bedroom house is on a family-friendly street that will ensure James has a reliable place to reside. Before beginning my search, I contacted Diego asking for list of requirements the parole board will be searching for when they do a site visit. The small bungalow we're moving into will easily fulfill their requirements, leaving no room for a denial because of his housing.

James gives me updates on his checklist each time we speak. He's gone above what's being requested from him, throwing himself into as many programs as he's permitted to in order to prove he's fit to be released back into society. I'm consumed with pride over the initiative James has taken to make positive things happen for the first time in his life. His excitement over his accomplishments is infectious. The thrill of knowing the end very well may be in sight, in a matter of months, gives me the extra boost I've needed to adjust to living in Yakima.

I've finally started to believe this is best place for us to be, just like Heidi said it would be months ago. Living here allows Hunter to be around his only grandparents, eases my worries with the small town setting, and will give James a fresh start in life. It's a far cry from the excitement Seattle offers, but we no longer need that type of living. All we need is to be together.

"Victoria, I have the truck loaded up. Ready to go?" Dad shouts from the front porch.

"Almost ready," I respond, hoisting the box I've been carrying around all morning further up my hip. I've been doing a sweep through of my parent's house, tossing in random items of Hunter's and mine. I bend over, looking under chairs and behind couches, knowing he likes to hide things in random places. When I stand, my hip bumps into the table next to my dad's recliner, knocking a pile of papers to the floor.

I kneel down, reaching for the papers, and stack them in a pile. I place the last piece of mail, an opened envelope, on top of the stack. The logo at the top left corner catches my eye; it's from Airway Heights.

_What the hell? Why are they reading my mail behind my back?_

I open the envelope hastily as the rage over their sneakiness elevates. My hands unfolded the sheet of paper quickly, wondering how long the letter has been here without my knowledge.

My question is immediately answered as soon as my eyes narrow in on the greeting.

_Dear Peter,_

_I really wish there was a way I could have this conversation with you in person or at least over the phone, but I didn't want to go through Tori to make it happen. I'm not trying to hide anything from her; it's just that I want to do this on my own._

_As you know I'm working my ass off to get out of here in August so I can be with her and our son. I've got a lot taken care of so far but there is one thing that's missing. I'm required to have a sponsor, someone who's reasonable and can be a witness that I'm staying on track._

_I was wondering if you'd be willing to be my sponsor. _

_I'm not sure how much about my life Tori has shared with you but I've never had good people around me until I met her. I would really appreciate it if you helped me with this because you're a good man, Peter, and I want to be one too. _

_I know I have a lot to prove to both you and Charlotte. I plan to work hard every day to show you that I'm worthy of your trust and to be a part of Tori and Hunter's lives. _

_Before you make any decisions, I'd like to speak to you about my plan so you know how serious I am about it. You can also speak to my CCO, Randall. He already knows that I've given you his information and said he's happy to talk with you. _

_I really want to thank you for keeping Tori and Hunter safe when I couldn't be there to do it myself. They're my number one priority and I'll always do whatever it takes to keep them safe. _

_Thanks,_

_James_

A mixture of pride and shock jolts me that he failed to mention needing a sponsor. I'm elated that he thinks enough of my dad to reach out and ask for his support, while doing so without my help.

I giggle to myself, eyeing the paper for a second time, realizing the only curse word he used was ass. I chuckle to myself.

_He must really be trying to impress my dad. _

The front door slams shut, reminding me that my parents are still waiting on me. I quickly fold the letter, stuffing it back into the envelope, just as my mom enters the room.

"Honey, Hunter's getting antsy."

"I bet he is. I'm ready now." I laugh and stand up, returning the stack of papers to table and turning towards the doorway.

"What's the big grin for? Excited to get out of here?" she teases, putting her hand on her hip, trying to act offended.

"Something like that." I wink at her, grabbing the forgotten box still on the floor.

I know she takes no offense at my excitement to move out. The past five months of living together have given my parents the opportunity to see me as the woman I've become. I'm no longer the naïve young girl who moved out at eighteen to pursue life in the big city. They've enjoyed getting to know me again, to watch me as Hunter's mom, and to see the things I now enjoy in life. At the same time, I've come to respect them for their fierce devotion to me and can fully appreciate their drive to want what's best for me in life. I'm also thankful that they've finally realized I'm the one that determines what that path entails.

She narrows her eyes, "Just for that, you get to ride with your dad in that death trap."

I shake my head at her dramatics and walk outside to the old clunker of a truck my dad borrowed from a friend. I slip into the cab next to him, snickering as I wait for the beast to roar to life.

As I stare at my dad's gentle profile, I waver between bringing up the letter or leaving it between him and James. In the end, my gratitude wins. I slide across the bench seat, placing a kiss on his cheek.

"What's that for?" he asks, looking surprised by my unexpected affection.

"It's a thank you," I respond, trying to think of a reason other than the truth, but instead I decided to come clean. "I saw James' letter to you."

I eye him closely, wanting to catch his expression to my admission, hoping he'll show his true feelings over the letter.

"Awe, still snooping around, huh?" He raises an eyebrow at me with a look of amusement, just like he did when he caught me doing things as a child.

"Guess there's some things you just don't outgrow." I shrug, trying not to look as guilty as I am.

"Since you're thanking me, how do you know I agreed to it?" His gaze remains on the road, slowly driving down the street.

I remain quiet, waiting to have his full attention before I respond. When the truck rolls upon a stop sign, he glances in my direction.

"Because I know you'll never let me down, Daddy."

_**~Criminal~**_

**June, 2014**

The morning of James' parole hearing arrives quicker than we all expected. I beat the sun, rising long before it did. Before leaving the comfort of my bed I say a prayer that not only will the day breeze by, but that it will provide us with the outcome we have been working toward for months.

_Please, don't let James down. He's earned this chance, and Hunter deserves to have his daddy home. I'm desperate to have him with me, to come home so we can be the family we're longing to be._

Adrenaline is pumping through my veins. Every cell of my body is on edge. The thumping of my heart against my chest soars each time I glance at the clock, noticing we're getting closer to James' hearing. Tension has seeped into my muscles, making every limb ache.

I drag myself to the kitchen, dropping into the cold seat at the table. My strained eyes close automatically, and my fingers reach up to rub tight circles against my temples in an attempt to reduce the escalating headache I have.

I absently go through the process of making toast and a cup of coffee, hoping it will help, but as soon as the aroma assaults me, I become queasy.

A light rap against the front door startles me. I briskly walk to the living room not wanting the noise of another knock to wake Hunter up.

_Who would be here at such an early hour?_

I tentatively peek through the peephole. As I take in the petite figure standing on my porch, I unlock the door as fast as my fingers can move, then fling it wide open.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Excitement and shock cause me to pose my question bluntly.

"Well good morning to you too, bestie." Heidi snickers, shifting a sleeping Alec in her arms. "You didn't think I'd let you be alone today, did you?"

Without any further discussion, I yank her into a hug. " Thank God you're here. I'm going crazy already."

"I knew you would be; that's why I had your parents pick me up at the airport late last night."

Tears of relief fill my eyes as Heidi's warmth wraps all around me. Her friendship has been my anchor, keeping me steady whenever life threatens to rock me.

"We better get in your house. James won't be happy to hear how amazing your boobs are from his new neighbors."

I look down, noticing how the V-neck of my long t-shirt does dip a little low. "Oh shit!"

We place Alec in my bed then return to the kitchen to catch up, trying to pass the time. Heidi makes me a bowl of cereal and forces me to eat it while she starts a new pot of coffee.

"How long you here for?" I ask, already saddened by the thought of her leaving.

"Fo' life, baby. I'm a Yakima resident now." She grins at me, thoroughly amused by my shocked expression.

"Seriously?" I ask, trying to keep my hopes from skyrocketing until I get confirmation she isn't joking.

"What can I say? You've grown on me, buttercup." Heidi shrugs nonchalantly trying to make light of the situation.

The uneasiness of the morning is momentarily forgotten as I jump up in a squeal of laughter, excited that one of my best friends will be living close to me again.

Heidi fills me in on all the details—she's found an apartment and her parents are helping her out until she gets back on her feet. She's had several phone interviews and will be meeting with a couple of the companies in person later this week. Heidi also goes into detail about the friendship she's been establishing with my mom, while preparing for her surprise visit. Hearing how much my mom has done to help my friend is touching. She knows how much I've missed my life in Seattle, and now she's given me a little piece of it by helping Heidi get established here.

Alec and Hunter are thrilled to reunite as they wake up. The four of us go out in the backyard as soon as the sun is high enough in the sky, drying the dew from the small swing set in my backyard.

The clock hits eleven o'clock, his hearing time, and I begin pace through the small hallways of the house. Heidi keeps the boys busy outside, leaving me time to prepare for the outcome.

My fingers are wrapped around my phone in a death grip. James promised me he'd have Stefan or Diego call me once the hearing was over.

I take deep breaths, struggling to tame my nerves. I attempt to remain logical, telling myself that no matter what the conclusion is, we'll face it head on. Worst-case scenario, James will have to wait six months to reapply for parole. It's not what we're hoping for, but it would be manageable.

Just as my apprehension reaches an all-time high the phone rings.

"Hel…Hello," I stammer out along with a ragged breath as I listen for a response.

"Baby, we did… they approved me!" James' husky voice is raw with emotion as he surprises me.

I can't believe this is real.

_**~Criminal~**_

**August, 2014**

"Hunter, we gotta go, buddy. I don't want to be late!" I shout. I straighten the towel hanging on the oven door and put away a dry glass. I want everything to be perfect when James arrives.

"Where's Neo?" he whines through his reply. His favorite stuffed animal has been lost all morning, the result of which has been two tantrums and an animal hunt to find him.

I close my eyes and lean against the counter, willing myself to relax before I burst. When I feel like I can handle the situation calmly, I respond.

"I don't know. Maybe you left him at Grammy and Papa's house. We'll call them when we get on the road, but we have to leave now or we'll be late."

I try to pacify him, but his stubbornness is stellar. He continues to trash his room in his search, making me to groan as I listen to toys hit the wall.

My efforts to have the house perfect for James' arrival have just gone by the way side.

_Guess he'll get to see how it is living with a toddler right away._

Hunter shuffles to the car with a pout etched on his face. I buckle him in, trying to improve his mood with promises of a slurpee at our first stop. It takes a while, but eventually he caves in to my attempts to compromise with him.

The drive to Airway Heights is grueling; my car can't seem to go fast enough. With Hunter watching a DVD on his portable player, the silence allows me the time to torture myself with the worries that have been tormenting me the past couple of weeks.

My biggest fear is the spark James and I shared will be lost from being apart for three years. I take a deep, cleansing breath and try not to think about how devastated I'll be if we don't work out after this extensive separation.

Then there's Hunter. James has never lived with a child before. He hasn't had to deal with tantrums or discipline. I'm scared it will be too overwhelming for him.

Panic is boiling within me as the miles pass by. I pull off the road and get Hunter his promised slurpee and lunch. While he eats, I breakdown and call Heidi.

"Stop freaking out or I'm going to drive there and kick your ass all the way to Airway Heights," Heidi fumes into the phone, putting me in place.

"But-" I begin to challenge her, but she's isn't having it.

"No fucking _buts_ today, Vic! I know there aren't any guarantees in life, but that man loves you both beyond fucking reason. He's not going anywhere. So get your ass back in the car and go get him."

The line goes dead, and I do what she says. We get back in the car and continue with our drive. The emotions that have been racing through me the past three hours are disheartening. As we near the prison, I give myself a hearty pep talk, not wanting to ruin the impending reunion.

_Let it go, Victoria. Enjoy this day with your family. Take James home and build a life with him. Allow yourself to live again, not just survive like you have been the past couple of years. You deserve to be happy. _

I pull into the visitor parking lot and get out of the car. With Hunter's hand in mine, we walk to the entrance where Diego told me we could wait. I nervously look down at my watch, trying to convince myself that the hands are indeed moving.

Hunter looks around, fidgeting to do something other than remain still. My hand grips his tighter, not only wanting to keep it in place but desperate for the comfort his touch brings me.

My palms are sweating, heart souring higher than it ever has before, and tears are forming in my eyes over the anticipation.

Hearing the loud click of the door brings my breathing to a halt. I hold it in tightly despite the stinging feeling. As the door widens all the way, a figure begins to walk through the shadow of the hallway behind it and out into the sunlight.

I release the breath I've been holding as I whimper at the sight of James taking his first steps outside the confined walls of Airway Heights.

"Daddy!" Hunter screams, pulling away from me and running straight at James.

I'm cemented in place with tears rapidly streaming down my face and my chest heaving as I suck in air. The moment is too surreal to grasp.

James' intense stare doesn't break from mine as he steps closer to me with Hunter tangled in his arms. A tingling sensation prickles my skin. He's so close to me I can feel his breath tickle my face.

"Hey, baby," he whispers, tentatively looking at me, waiting for my response.

With no words to be said, I crash into him allowing my fears to vanish as our bodies collide. We make a tight circle around Hunter, basking in the love that has been the best part of our relationship. Feeling James' skin touching mine reassures me that nothing has changed between us, and our love is just as strong as it ever was.

The three of us together are proof that trials and tribulations, distance and time can never override what fate has in store for you.


	16. Living

**Epilogue- Living**

_May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having_

_As every year passes, they mean more than gold_

_May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble_

_And know when you stumble, you're never alone_

_Never alone, never alone_

_I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown_

_Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye_

_My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone_

_Never Alone ~ Lady Antebellum_

* * *

**October, 2018**

The soft glow of dawn filters through our sheer curtains, falling directly onto James. Sunlight illuminates his handsome face, spotlighting his softened, angular jaw that bears the perfect amount of scruff. The constant tension he used to wear like armor—clenched jaw and scrunched eyes—is no longer present; it's been replaced with a peacefulness contentment he's worked hard to attain. Even in his sleep it's apparent how different he is.

I've been listening to his light breathing for hours. It's tranquil, yet hypnotizes me to the point I'm too enchanted to tune it out and fall back asleep.

I can tell when his breathing shifts, becoming slightly deeper and quickening as he begins to wake up. Instead of calling me out on watching him for hours, he allows me to bask in the comfort of his presence and pretends to still be sleeping.

My tender body protests. I've been in the same position for too long. I turn toward him, breaking the stillness in our room. As I sluggishly move, I watch his lips fight against turning upward.

He slowly opens his eyes, catching my stare. "Morning, baby."

"You're here," I respond with a smirk, knowing my repetitive greeting will goad him.

James playfully narrows his eyes and scoots closer, bringing our bodies as close as possible. He reaches for my stomach, leisurely rubbing circles against my stretched skin. This has become his thing, his way of showing his affection for the little one inside me.

When he's satisfied the baby has received enough attention, he slings his arm over my waist, holding me tightly against his warm body.

"You've woken up next to me every day for the past four years. I think it's time you drop the surprised card." His bright eyes dance with mischief, already prepared to banter with me.

"I can't," I shrug. "I'm thankful you made it back to me every single day and will always appreciate seeing you by my side."

"I'll always be here and not just every morning, but day and night, too," he responds in earnest.

Not wanting the day to start with me being highly emotional about how far we've come since the day James was released from prison, I lean forward and place a kiss against his lips.

"Happy birthday," I say with a grin, fully aware he's been dreading this day.

He groans, pulling away from me. "Did you have to remind me?"

I grab his wrist, preventing him from getting too far away. The hours of observing him have turned me on, and I know the perfect way to start his day.

"Come back here, birthday boy, and let me give you your first present." I drop my voice low and observe how the sultry tone captures his attention.

A slow smirk softens his face, a sure sign he won't be protesting my invitation. I run my tongue over my bottom lip and stare into his hooded eyes as he swiftly glides across the sheets to return to my side.

I can no longer stop my hands as they come in contact with his tight abdomen. James quivers at my touch, and I drag my hand lower.

He lets out a shuddering breath as my finger lightly traces the outline of the swollen head of his cock.

"Fuck," James lets out a breathy moan. His palms reach out to cradle my face, hastily bringing me close enough to touch.

He takes my lips between his; our tongues glide against one another in the familiar rhythm that's their own. The gentle kiss becomes more intense as I begin brushing my hand along his hardened length.

He wastes no time pulling against the hem of the nightgown that's been pooled around my waist most of the night. I shift my body as much as possible, allowing him to effortlessly yank it over my head.

Our mouths collide again; James swallows the low groan that emerges from me as he begins to knead my sensitive breasts. Every so often, the pads of his fingers stop to take my nipple between them, giving me a soft pinch. I whimper, the pleasure and pain swirling together to make the growing ache between my legs soar.

Needing to catch my breath, I pull away and tug on his boxers. "Take these off," I demand, tired of having barriers between us.

James quickly pulls his boxers down, kicking them off once they reach his feet. His cock twitches against his stomach, beckoning my hand to take the place of the fabric that was touching his heated skin. My hold is tight as I slowly stroke him, loving the feel of him swelling in my hand.

I close my eyes, visualizing the head starting to change color, desperate for some attention. On my next up stroke, I swipe my finger against the moisture that's pooling at the tip and swirl it around.

Tingling anticipation pierces my body as I feel James reach down, pushing off my panties. His fingers go straight for my wanting center, confirming that I'm indeed ready for him. He pulls his hand away, and I drop mine as well, opening my eyes to see his desire for me.

"Fuck, Tori, I need you. Are you sure this is okay?" James worriedly asks with his hands still on my waist.

"I'm not breakable, babe, just pregnant," I respond with an exasperated huff, just like I always do when he teeters on the edge of denying me because of my belly.

I stare at him, intensely watching as he resolves his concerns.

James pushes up off the bed, confusing me. "Where you going?"

His smirk muffles a low chuckle, knowing that if we don't continue this now, I'm bound to fly off the handle. James scoots on his knees until he is hovering over my hip then slips into the bed behind me.

James positions his body flush with my backside; the feel of his cock rubbing against my ass causes me to whimper. I reach back, needing to touch him but he shoos my hand away.

"Since it's my birthday, I get to do what I want, and I'm tired of foreplay," he whispers seductively in my ear before taking the lobe into his mouth.

"_Please_," I whimper, needy and ready to feel him deep inside me.

James' hand gently runs down my thigh until he reaches my knee. He hoists my leg over his, opening me up to him.

His hand slips between us, guiding his cock to my wet folds. As the swollen head slips in I impatiently push back, engulfing his cock fully. I moan, my eyes fluttering closed, at the sensation of him stretching my body, filling me in ways I can't describe.

"You feel so fucking good, baby," James groans, picking up his pace. Our bodies set the perfect tempo together.

My hands grip the sheets tightly, needing something to hold onto as my whimpers linger in the air around us.

The grasp James has on my hips tightens as he relentlessly pounds into my body, just the way I like it.

He's been so tentative during sex the past couple of months that it's mind-blowing when he finally lets go, giving into the pent-up desires we've both had.

"Just like that…" I groan as each thrust tightens my body. The coiling in the pit of my stomach causes my breath to falter as the intensity climbs.

James' erratic breathing and grunts in my ear drive me to the brink. His arm snakes around my waist reaching for where we're joined.

"Let go baby. I want to feel you cum," he pants, his voice husky in my ear, as he circles my clit until I let go.

James slows his pace until he feels my body relax against him and then picks it back up again, chasing his own orgasm. His movements are erratic, our bodies pushing and pulling. He burrows his face into my hair, letting out a slur of profanity as he releases deep inside of me.

Our bodies go slack against each other as we struggle to catch our breaths.

"Holy shit… that felt so damn good," he groans, slipping out of me.

As I roll over, ready to chastise him for holding out on me for so long, we hear the thud of feet trampling down the hallway.

"Mia, get back here!" Esme calls out in a whisper-yell.

My eyes widen at the realization that our guests are already awake.

"Oh shit! I wasn't even thinking about Esme and Carlisle." I giggle, leaning into James' embrace.

His hand lightly strokes my back as he chuckles at my embarrassment.

"They know what's up. They're parents now, too. You get cock-blocked way too often to let opportunities go by."

I playfully slap his chest but agree with his logic. Your sex life dwindles when you have a little one around. I'm sure Esme and Carlisle learned that very quickly when they adopted Mia as toddler last year.

After spending as much time as they did with me and Hunter when we lived in Seattle, they realized their family wasn't complete without a child. It was a grueling process, with heartbreak and excitement along the way to find Mia. It took close to two years for the sweet little girl that needed a home fulfilled her parents' dreams and became Mia Hope Cullen.

"I need to wake our son up or he won't make it to school on time," I grumble, pulling away before he finds a way to convince me to stay in bed all day.

"Trying to run away from me, Mrs. Colton?" he teases with the cocky smile he knows melts any resolve I may have.

Hearing him call me by my married name causes my stomach to flutter with pride. One year to the day James walked out of Airway Heights, he proposed during a long weekend in Portland. He promised to always fight for us and to never let anything tear our family apart again. There was no doubting the sincerity of his words. He'd fought countless battles to become the man he felt was worthy of me. Six months later, in front of our family and friends, we exchanged vows to continue loving one another until the end of our days.

"You betcha. I need to go over some ideas I have for the salon with Esme, then, I gotta party to throw together." I smirk, knowing I have the upper hand again.

"Whatever. It better not be too fucking big, though. I'm too old for that shit now," he grumbles, rolling out of the bed.

I laugh at his expense, grateful the only drama in our life is his resistance to having a party.

We go through our morning routine, doing the unspoken dance of sharing a bathroom. While I'm brushing my teeth, I watch James in the mirror slowly buttoning up one of his nicer shirts.

"Dressing up for your birthday?" I joke, earning a glare from him.

"No, smartass, we have some people from child welfare stopping by. I know I'm just a counselor, but I don't want to look like I slum it at work."

"_Just _a counselor?" I glare at him, hating that he doesn't give himself enough credit.

James' CCO, Diego, assisted him in finding a job with a construction company as part of his release from prison. He was a diligent worker and actually enjoyed the line of work. His boss, Garrett, took him under his wing and eventually brought him on bigger jobs.

James assisted Garrett on a project at a local group home for troubled teens. While James was learning the trade, he was also connecting with the kids on his lunch breaks. Before long, he was going to work early or leaving late in order to hang out with them. He understood their problems; many had childhoods similar to his and were on the path of destruction because they didn't have anyone to show them otherwise. By being a nonjudgmental friend and treating them with respect, he gave them what they'd been lacking.

Garrett, along with the director of the group home, Mark, saw James' instinctive ability to mentor and encouraged him to pursue a career where his criminal background was actually a positive attribute. After James' parole ended, Mark hired James on as a full time guidance counselor.

As always, James doesn't see himself clearly. Nearly two years later, he still can't grasp the profound effect he's having on the teens with whom he works. He thinks of himself simply as their friend, lending an ear whenever they need it and providing encouraging advice, which leads them onto a positive path.

I don't press the issue as I go over the plans for the day.

"You'll be out of work by five, right?" I ask, slipping on my shoes.

"Actually, I'll be off by one, but I got somewhere to be after that," he casually informs me while making our bed.

"Where are you going?" I question, my hands on my hips, slightly annoyed he's taking off knowing I have plans for us.

He places the last pillow on the bed then flashes me a smirk. "I gotta go get my birthday present."

"I thought I just gave you _that_ twenty minutes ago?" I tease back, still curious what present he's referring to.

He saunters towards me and pulls me into his arms.

"Mmm, baby _that _was amazing, and I'm sure I'll want a repeat performance before my birthday is over." He nips at my neck, emphasizing his point. "But, since I'm thirty today, and you seem to think it's an important birthday, I figured you wouldn't mind if I went and got the one thing I've wanted for awhile."

His husky voice is low, trying to draw me into his scheme, but it doesn't work.

"No way," I express with surprise that he'd use his birthday as a reason to go through with getting another tattoo.

"I'm dead fucking serious, so just wait until you see it on my arm. It's going to look fucking fantastic."

I groan and push back from him knowing nothing I say is going to change his mind. Even though I won't admit it, the thought of him having more ink is sexy as hell. I've only been reluctant because I think he should pick something more exciting.

"It better."

His excitement is palpable as he plants his lips on mine, giving me a searing kiss of gratitude.

_**~Criminal~**_

"Daddy, get the bubbles!" Mia excitedly screams as she runs through our backyard with Carlisle chasing after her.

I turn to look at Esme, who's sitting next to me on the patio swing. "They're so cute together."

Her gaze lingers on her family with the sweetest grin before looking towards me.

"He loves her so much," Esme replies with a sigh.

"There is nothing better than the love you feel for your child." I nod my head, understanding the bond they share with Mia.

Esme hums her approval, then reaches over to rub my swollen belly. "How's this one doing?"

"He's doing good. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over though. It seems to be tougher the second time around." I groan, recalling the toll the past eight months have taken on me.

"That's because you don't have other things distracting you this time."

I know there is nothing but truth behind Esme's statement. I have no distractions from the aches and pains and have been able to solely focus on my pregnancy with James and Hunter excitedly by my side.

"No, nothing like last time, but I have been really busy at the salon lately." I reach for the notebook I brought out with me. "I've been thinking about some ways to revamp our specials and wanted to go over them with you."

"Honey, it's your salon, and you know I trust your judgment."

"You own it, Esme. I'm just running it," I reply, shaking my head that she's always so casual when we talk business.

After Mia came into the Cullens' life, Esme decided to cut back her hours at the salon in Seattle. Having a child and realizing they wanted to secure her future, they decided to open up a second salon as a business investment.

They approached me about running a salon if they chose to purchase a space in Yakima. It was never mentioned, but I have a feeling that my dislike for the shop I was at also played into their decision. I may have moved many miles away, but Esme was still looking out for me.

"Sentiments, sweetie. Now let me hear these amazing ideas so we can get on with the day. I know you have some errands to run, and I thought we could get lunch beforehand."

I begin to explain my ideas about offering packages that vary in prices and change to fit the season. Unlike the shops I've previously worked at, we were a full-service salon with a full-time esthetician by the name of Heidi.

I smile at how things work out in ways you never expect. When Heidi and Alec moved to Yakima, the job she initially had didn't work out. After some thought, she decided to go to school and get a degree. When I told her about the great opportunity the Cullens were offering me, she decided to go to cosmetology school.

"Ohhhh I got gossip before Heidi gets here," I say excitedly.

Esme's eyes brighten as she waits for me to explain. The slow pace of Yakima couldn't tame Heidi, giving us plenty to talk about.

"She had a visitor the other day… a very cute, tall, blonde visitor. His name's Riley, by the way," I squeal, revealing Heidi's well kept secret.

"This is juicy gossip! How long has she been seeing him?"

"A couple of months," I respond and begin to dish out the details. "She met him at the park with Alec while he was watching his nephew. The boys hit it off on the playground while they were doing the same from the bench."

"And you just heard about him?" Esme asks curiously, surprised that my best friend kept a secret from me.

"She was worried how we'd take the news that she's dating, especially James, since you know… Felix was his best friend."

"It's been five years…" Esme trails off.

"Exactly, and that's what I told her. James only cares that she's happy. That's why I convinced her to bring him to the party tonight so the guys can meet."

Just as I expected, James was happy Heidi had found someone she's interested in. As long he treats her as well as Felix did, James has no reservations.

"I can't wait to meet him myself. Tall _and_ blonde? Just my style," Esme winks at me, making us both laugh.

I rub my belly and move to stand. "Let's get going. The boy is hungry already."

_**~Criminal~**_

One look into my rear view mirror at my brooding son in the backseat is all I need to know that something is bothering him.

"How was school today?" I ask, hoping Hunter will tell me what's going on.

Without looking up at me, he grumbles, "It was sucky."

"Hunter, we've talked about that word," I lightly reprimand him.

"But Dad says worse things," he shoots back, trying to get me to see his logic.

James is pretty good about keeping his swearing down to a minimum around Hunter, but he wouldn't be James' son without a word flying out every now and then.

"We've talked about that too, haven't we?"

He flings himself back into the seat with a frustrated huff. "Yes."

"Tonight's dad's birthday, and we have a lot of people coming over. Let's talk about this when he gets home so you can enjoy yourself with your friends, okay?"

Hunter agrees as we pull into the driveway and then flings open the door and runs into the house.

With a house full of people, the decorating and food prep go smoothly. I know James never had a proper birthday party growing up, and I wanted to give him a memorable one to welcome his thirties. My mom, Esme, and I made all his favorite foods, and I invited the friends he's made here in Yakima. Overall, James has adapted exceptionally well to life outside The Volturi.

With little left to be done, I finish making a pasta dish. As I stand at the stove, stirring a pot of boiling water, an arm slides along my waist.

"Hey, baby mama," James purrs in my ear.

I look over my shoulder with a glare. "You're late."

"Sorry. I ended up staying at work longer than I wanted to and then I went to the tat shop."

I stop stirring and fully turn around to look at him with my arms crossed. "I can't believe you went through with it."

James snickers at me. "Hell yeah, I did. You're my lucky charm, baby. It's about damn time I'm marked with your name," he says, slowly unbuttoning his white shirt. Once he's reaches the bottom, he shrugs it off his shoulders and and slowly peels the bandage off.

James' left bicep is now covered with two-inch, black letters spelling out _Tori._

I bit my lip, ogling his toned muscle with my name on it. James catches my hooded stare and appears at my side, placing a kiss on the base of my neck.

"You like the way it looks, huh?" James whispers in a husky tone.

"I… I do," I admit, ready to haul him off to our room for the repeat performance he requested earlier this morning.

My lustful thoughts are forgotten as I hear Hunter approach the kitchen. "Hi, Dad."

"Hey, buddy. How was school?" James asks, not knowing it's a sore subject that we still need to address.

Hunter glances at me with confusion that his dad has apparently been left in the dark about his foul attitude earlier.

I look between them both, figuring if anyone is going to get Hunter to open it up, it will be James.

"Why don't you guys go sit down and talk," I suggest.

James' face scrunches, perplexed by my vague suggestion, while Hunter silently begs me with his eyes to drop the subject.

"Okay… let's go talk, son," James says, grabbing two sodas out of the refrigerator.

I continue to appear busy in the kitchen but remain within earshot from where they've taken a seat in the dining room.

"So, what's bothering you?" James asks in the gentle tone that's reserved only for our son.

"I'm sure Mom already told you?" Hunter mutters.

James tells him that I haven't and remains quiet, patiently allowing Hunter gather his thoughts.

"Miss Mattos had everyone stand up in front of the class and say what they want to be when they grow up." Hunter lets out a huff. "And when it was my turn, I didn't have anything to say. At recess, Tyler called me stupid for not knowing, and I got in his face and yelled at him."

"First of all, you know better than to yell at someone when they make you mad, especially, since you know what Tyler said isn't true. You're so smart, Hunter."

"I felt stupid for standing there like a dummy with nothing to say," Hunter fires back.

"Why didn't you say you wanted to be a race car driver? That's what you always say you want to be someday."

"Not anymore. I've decided I don't want to run into the wall and catch on fire. That doesn't sound very fun," he mumbles towards the end.

James chuckles at Hunter's reason, probably realizing it was a matter of time before being a race car driver was no longer his dream.

"Dad, did you always know you wanted to help people?" Hunter probes, the hopefulness in his voice is noticeable as he waits to hear if his dad was once a confused kid too.

_If Hunter only knew just how lost and confused James really was as a child. _

James' past is something we haven't spoken to Hunter about. He feels strongly about sharing it with him someday, but it's not a story for a six-and-a-half year old.

"Umm, no, I sure didn't." James' voice is low and filled with uneasiness.

"What did ya wanna do then?" Hunter inquires, intrigued by what his dad has to say.

I peek around the corner, my sight falling directly on James' uncomfortable expression. I listen intently wondering how he'll explain this to our son.

"Well, I had a big imagination when I was your age; I always thought it would be cool to be a superhero, but I wanted to be more like The Joker. He always seemed to have fun stirring things up in Gotham City. What I really liked were the awesome weapons he got to use getting out of trouble. I thought if he could make it through crazy things, like explosions, being shot at, and electrocuted then that showed how strong he was, and that's who I wanted to be. And, he was popular; everyone knew who he was, even if they didn't like him."

I glance at Hunter's stunned facial expression as he listens to James. His eyes are wide with amazement.

"But then one day I met your mom and we had you. That's when I realized that it's not cool to be running from trouble all the time and decided it would be _way_ cooler to be someone like Batman. He was just as popular as The Joker, but it was because he was doing good deeds to help people. I wanted people to think of me as cool because of that too."

Listening to James put his life into an analogy using Hunter's favorite action figure brings tears to my eyes. It's proof that not only is he amazing at connecting with kids in general, but more importantly, with his son.

I had spent a great deal of time worrying that Hunter wouldn't bond with James since they had only spent a small amount of time together before his release. It turns out I was worried for nothing. In a matter of weeks, Hunter was fully comfortable with James being apart of our daily life, even preferring him to do the special things we had enjoyed doing together.

James rapidly surpassed his own reservations about parenting. They were thick as thieves then and even more so now.

"So does that make Mom Batgirl and me Robin?" Hunter eagerly questions.

My laugher rings out loud, and I don't even care that I've just given myself away. I hold my belly as it shakes; trying to picture myself in a black pleather jumpsuit is just too much.

_Hmmm… I bet it would drive James crazy to see me wearing something like that, though. _

"What's so funny, Mom?" Hunter looks at me like I've lost my mind.

"Nothing," I respond, wiping away the tears that formed in my eyes, and try to forget the image. "Feeling better now?"

Hunter nods his head, "Yeah, I'm cool. Dad helped me figure out what to say next time Miss Mattos asks me what I want to be when I grow up."

"And what's that?" I probe, curious how he came up with something so quickly.

"A superhero… just like dad." Hunter smiles, jumping down from his chair.

Once he's out of earshot. I scoot James' chair out and take a seat in his lap. "You gonna be a good guy or bad guy tonight?"

James groans in my ear. "You're the evil one by fucking tempting me all the damn time."

Our sexual innuendo comes to a halt as our family and friends barge in on our moment, ready to get the party started. For the first time in seven years, I watch James' cheeks tint crimson from the attention he's receiving. He engages in mundane conversations, makes plans for camping trips and a night out with the guys—which includes Riley, whom James has taken a liking to right away.

His extensive journey through a rough life has caused us the highest of highs and lowest of lows, but, in the end, James has given me everything I've ever dreamed of.

_Him._

James will always be labeled as a criminal in society, but to me, he'll simply be the man who stole my heart.

* * *

_**I've tried to keep my authors notes to a minimum, but this time one is most definitely needed, so bare with me while I ramble.**_

_**I can't begin to express how much this story means to me. The fact that I've acquired amazing readers along the way makes it even more special. Thank you to each and everyone one of you for taking the time to read and review. I hope I've proved that a story without Bella and Edward can be just as endearing and entertaining. **_

_**There are a couple of amazing women I need to gush over; their never-ending support means the world to me and gave me the courage to post Criminal.**_

_**Jessypt, my awesome beta… Thank you for making my words look prettier and giving me an extra push when I needed it. Most of all though, thanks for planting the seed that there was a story to be told here and I had the ability to tell it. If it weren't for you, Criminal would still be a lingering thought in my head.**_

_**Ladysharkey1, my sidekick… Thank you for encouraging me to step out on my own with this one, even though I imagine you thought I was crazier than normal for wanting to tackle this storyline. You pushed against all your personal limits to pre-read for me and I love you even more for it. Your suggestions always made each chapter better and I'm grateful for your ability to talk through scenarios with me, knowing how stubborn I am with my ideas. **_

_**Tanglingshad0ws, my cheerleader… Thank you for your enthusiasm, it made me want to write faster so we could bask in our mutual love for the story together. Sharing a brain with you throughout this process was incredible and I'm still amazed how you instantly knew my characters just as well as I do. **_

_**FoundMyEdward, my best fan girl… You supported me from the beginning, without even knowing where the story was headed. Your comments blew me away, and I will say, you've given me some of the best complements I've ever received when it comes to my writing. Thank you for being such a supportive friend. **_

_**I'll be posting some outtakes in the near future while we continue to play with some ideas that will hopefully pan out for our next story. Make sure to put us on author alert so you don't miss out.**_

_**I'll leave you with a quote that I feel is fitting…**_

**"_It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end." __―__Ernest Hemingway_**

_**Until we meet again, **_

_**Jadsmama**_


	17. Outtake One: Determined

_**Hi Guys! I'm back with some snippets to fill in the time period between the last chapter (August 2014) and the Epilogue (October 2018). Let's see how our favorite ex-con progressed into the confident man he was in the epilogue**_**.**

* * *

**Outtake One- Determined **

**October, 2014  
**

The automatic doors glide open, welcoming us to a world full of imagination and excitement. Hunter immediately whips his head over his shoulder, eager to see the toys that bring his vivid creativity to life. I watch closely as his casual expression transforms into a beaming smile.

"Fu…dge. This place is huge!" James mutters next to me. The hint of wonder weaved into his simple statement catches my attention.

A slight smirk tugs on my lips. I turn towards him, ready to fire off a sarcastic comment about his old age eating away at memories of his youth. Before I begin to speak though, his enchanted expression whisks away any snarky thoughts that have come to mind.

James appears to be partaking in a human game of pinball as his gaze darts from one endcap to the next. My smile ceases as reality creeps in to remind me that James never got to experience the joys of Toys-R-Us.

As soon as he entered our house for the first time, James was astonished by the number of toys Hunter had laying around. By the end of the night, he was thanking me for giving our son the things he dreamt about in his deprived upbringing. Witnessing Hunter's happiness also caused James to share more about his childhood. His stories included hand-me-down toys that held little interest for him or going to a neighbor's house in order to play with the 'it' toys.

I continue firmly pushing the cart with a white-knuckled grip and a familiar ache in my chest. I force a tight grin and lean into James, wanting the disappointments in his life to vanish for both of us.

"If you're a good boy while Hunter picks out his train, we'll get you something, too." I coo at him, hoping my playful tenor will bring back the carefree mood that surrounded us moments before.

James' eyes morph from their dilated state into a pointed stare, confirming I've caught his attention. His head continues to dip lower until I feel the tickling sensation of his lips brushing against my ear.

"They don't have the kind of toys I like here, baby, but, if you're willing to make a stop on the way home, I'll be a _very_ good boy in here."

I swat him away and have to concentrate to keep my thoughts G-rated, "You're so bad."

James pulls me into him once again despite my attempts to pull away. "You know that's how you like me. Don't try to fight it, T."

"Mommy!" Hunter calls out, drawing our attention and reminding us that we're in the middle of a toy store.

"Yes, sweetie." I fight to keep a straight face as I answer our son.

"Want that." He excitedly points towards a display that has a racetrack occupying the entire surface of a miniature table.

Both James and I follow his direction and take in the large track with multiple cars inching their way to the finish line.

"That's a pretty cool toy, buddy, but we're here for the train I want to get you," James says, trying to keep Hunter on track for the purpose of our trip.

I bite my lip knowing the direction we're headed by the stubborn stare our son is putting out. I've dealt with similar situations plenty of times without batting an eye that he changed his mind. However, this time it's different.

All James could talk about for the past week was getting his first paycheck and fulfilling his promise to Hunter that he'd buy him a train. He didn't realize how much would be taken out in taxes, and after getting him some basic necessities for work, his check was greatly depleted. There was no doubt James would sacrifice any other needs until he received his next check, but Hunter was getting his train.

"No train." Hunter's voice increases, and his irritation rises.

His feet fling back connecting with the metal bars of the shopping cart, and the loud bang that results is jolting, even to me. He crosses his arm and begins to pout just as I reach out to stop his jerky leg movements.

"Hunter." His name comes firmly as I give him a stern look, silently conveying his attitude isn't acceptable.

"Want cars," Hunter replies loudly, earning glances from people surrounding us.

James walks towards the display without addressing Hunter's behavior. He reaches for the price tag and lets out a frustrated sigh.

He turns to me with embarrassment swirling in his ice blue eyes. My gaze cuts to the tag in his hands.

_Eight-nine dollars._

"You don't want to get Thomas's friend, Percy, so you'll have two trains?" I ask Hunter, trying to keep my voice hopeful for James's sake.

My heart falls when his only response is swiftly shaking his head.

"Buddy, I really want to get you the track, but I can't this time. We'll come back though, okay? I promise."

"No!" he shouts in James face, pushing me past my limit of being patient.

"Hunter, no yelling. We'll need to come back another day if you're too upset to be a good boy."

Just as I start to turn the cart around, Hunter begins to cry. James grips the basket to stop me before I have made a full turn.

"Tori, I promised him a toy. We can't leave without one or he'll be mad at me."

"He can't act out like this when he doesn't get his way. Now is when we need to teach him that lesson." I respond, irritated that James is dismissing Hunter's behavior and showing that we're not a united front.

Firmly planted in the middle of the aisle we're locked in a stare down, waiting to see who'll give in first. This is our first big parenting hurdle together. While James doesn't yet realize he can say no to Hunter and still have his affection, I haven't accepted that I'm no longer solely alone in this role. We both have a great deal to work on but now isn't the time to battle against each other.

James' solemn face softens with each passing second my silence continues. His slight frown and pleading eyes are begging me to understand where he's coming from, and I really do. I understand how much it means to be able to provide for our son, even if it's something a simple as a toy.

I let out a weak huff as my shoulders relax. Before I can agree that Hunter can still get a toy, James has made his way to me and has me engulfed in a tight embrace.

_He knows me well enough to know I can't resist him._

"Thank you, baby. I promise I won't give in next time he's acting up," he speaks softly then pecks my lips.

I kiss him back before pulling away to respond, "Yeah right. Just wait until he pulls out all the stops and give you his famous puppy dog eyes. I know you, you'll give in!"

James laughs but doesn't respond; he knows I'm right. Watching him take Hunter out of the cart so they can check out the cars on a lower shelf together, reminds me of something Heidi said to me when I was pregnant.

_My badass husband has a soft spot, though… his kid. And I can guarantee you, James will be the exact same way._

James has proven that her statement was correct numerous times over the years, and today is additional proof he'd battle the world, including me, to ensure Hunter has the life he's always wanted for him.

* * *

_**Kids can be mysterious creatures; you never know when they'll act up. James better prepare himself that this is only the beginning. LOL**_

_**There is a total of four snippets, including this one and I'll be posting one a day for the remaining part of the week. See you tomorrow when one of James' dreams for Hunter comes true, it's my favorite snippet of the bunch. **_

_**Thanks for reading! **_

_**Jadsmama **_


	18. Outtake Two: Connecting

**Outtake Two- Connecting**

**April, 2016**

A swift gust of the chilly spring air assaults me, ruffling the blanket draped over my legs. I hang onto it tightly as a cold shiver rips through all the layers I'm wearing.

It's too damn cold to be sitting outside, but there is no place I would rather be than at the ball field today, watching Hunter play in his first t-ball game. By the nonstop chatter at breakfast, you'd think James thought today was the World Series and we had front row seats for it.

As I watch from a few rows up on the bleachers, I notice that James' excitement hasn't died down. He's perched at the fence line closest to the dugout, waiting for Hunter to make his debut.

I chuckle at the sight of him fidgeting. He's just as anxious as I am to watch our son in all his glory, even if that means he never makes it to first base.

When James was adamant that Hunter needed to play t-ball, I was worried he was forcing the sport because of his personal interest in it. My concerns vanished the first time I watched Hunter's eyes light up when his bat connected with the ball and he ran towards his daddy instead of the makeshift base that was set up. Baseball appears to be just another thing the men in my life have in common, making me thankful their bond continues to effortlessly strengthen.

One-by-one, each boy takes his turn proving to the field that The Little Sluggers aren't too shabby for being first time players. Their little legs run around the bases while the other team scrambles to catch the flying ball, arguing who'll get to throw it to the catcher.

Coaches on both sides of the field direct their players, but when you're four, those directions go in one ear and out the other. The thrill of being the star of the diamond is more important than the technical aspects of the game.

The thud of feet climbing the metal bleachers pulls my attention away from the field and on my bickering parents. My mom slides next to me, followed by my dad after he attempts to set down the tote bags he's carrying.

"I've been wondering where you two were. Hunter should be up soon."

Mom gives dad a quick sneer then turns back to speak to me, "Your father forgot to charge the video camera last night. We were waiting for the battery to be fully charged."

My dad mumbles something about she didn't remember either, causing me to laugh out loud.

"Shush it, Peter." My mom grumbles, but her tone changes as soon as she notices Hunter walking out of the dugout. "Oh, he's on deck. Peter, get the cameras ready."

I swiftly follow her gaze and watch as my son pulls his helmet down then reaches for a bat. He looks towards James with a smile so large it unleashes the handfuls of butterflies I didn't realize were laying dormant in my stomach.

A pat to my leg interrupts the intense gaze I'm locked in with the two loves of my life. When my mom knows she has my attention she speaks out, "He'll be amazing, just you watch. No need to be worried."

I mull over her words momentarily then narrow my eyes before responding, "I'm not worried, just excited. And, how do you know what 'on deck' means?"

"James taught me all the proper terminology the other day," she responds with a shrug.

I'm at a loss for words at her statement. Never in a million years could I imagine James and my mother talking baseball.

_I guess it's helping other relationships strengthen too._

Hunter strides to home plate, captivating all of our attention as we raise the cameras, ready to snap pictures every second he is up to bat. He misses on his first swing, hitting the tee instead of the ball.

"That's okay, Son. Choke up on the bat and swing level. You got this buddy!" James calls out to him, forgetting Hunter has coaches there to guide him.

My parents and I remain quiet, waiting for Hunter's next move. He does as his dad suggests, changing his grip on the bat before stepping up to the plate once again. He takes his stance and wastes no time giving a perfect swing.

The crack of the ball causes us to jump up in excitement and we watch it soar a little past the pitcher's mound. Hunter takes off in a dash for first base and immediately starts jumping up and down once he reaches it.

After our hollers die down, we take our seat once again. James makes his way over toward us; he's beaming with more pride than the three us combined.

"Did you see that? I told you, Peter; he's going to be a Mariner one day. I fucking know it!"

I giggle at James' prediction and am overjoyed that he has no limits on the dreams he has for our son. Pro baseball player or the garbage man, I know James just wants Hunter to succeed at whatever makes him happy in life.


	19. Outtake Three: Planning

**Outtake Three- Planning**

**June, 2017**

"Hunter, why don't you go see if Mia wants to play?" I ask without looking away from the little girl across the patio. She seems timid with the guests that have come to celebrate her joining the Cullen family, but I know she's simply overwhelmed after witnessing her full-of-life personality earlier in the day.

In between shoveling spoonfuls of food into his mouth, he responds, "but she's a girl."

I stifle a laugh, enjoying my son's innocence where boys and girls are repulsed at the thought of associating with the opposite gender.

"Son, one day you'll be dying for the chance to play with cute girls. Trust me," James chimes in with a snicker, knowing Hunter is unaware of what he's referring to.

I, however, do and waste no time giving him a sharp look of disapproval.

"What? You know it's true, T." He shrugs before continuing. "You better get prepared now. Our son is a stud, like his old man, and there _will_ be cute girls chasing after him."

"You're so full of yourself!" I laugh, not wanting to give him any ammo by admitting that he's the sexiest man I've ever seen or that I definitely don't want to think about my baby boy being interested in girls just yet.

I bring my attention back to Hunter. "Today may be a little scary for her. These people are her family now, but she doesn't know them yet. Can you be a helper to Esme and Carlisle and play with Mia?"

"Fine," he grumbles, displaying the attitude that's accompanied him turning five.

After clearing the table of empty plates, we move our seats to the edge of the lawn and watch as the kids scale the new play structure James and Carlisle built the day before.

Carlisle and Esme went overboard to make their house as comfortable as possible for Mia. Not only does she have a room decorated for a little princess, the backyard is now decked out with anything a kid could dream of.

Before long, Mia comes barreling towards us with Hunter trailing closely behind her. Without any hesitations, she jumps straight into James' lap.

"Save me, the wolf is trying to eat me!" Mia squeals as she squirms to get away from Hunter.

James tightens his hold on her and protectively tucks Mia into his side, keeping her out of Hunter's reach.

"And who are you, little lady?" he questions.

"I'm not'ta lady. I'm just practicing to be Little Red Writing Hood for Halloween."

I giggle at her response and mispronunciation while James takes the task of saving her seriously.

"Well, I better teach you how to get away from big bad wolves and candy snatchers then." James jumps to his feet and starts to sprint away with Hunter hot on his trail.

The kids' laughter captures the attention of the guests, and, before long, the entire back yard is watching James' wild tactics to keep Hunter away. Mia's beaming smile and bouts of laughter makes me proud that my boys were the ones to help her relax and enjoy her special day.

"I'm out, kids, you're too fast for me." James releases an exaggerated huff as he plops down onto the chair next me.

"Aww, babe, the kids too much for you to handle?" I tease.

"Nope. There is only one person that can wear me out," he wags his eyebrows at me as he speaks.

I playfully roll my eyes and shake my head, amused by our ever present, lively banter. When I turn back to James, I instantaneously sense I'm the only one that is still feeling playful.

The intensity of his stare causes the atmosphere surrounding us to become serious, and my smile fades as confusion creeps in.

James doesn't wait for me to question his rapid change in demeanor; instead, he grabs my hand and clears his throat. "I want a baby, a little girl, to even out our family."

I'm completely caught off guard by the firm tone of his voice. We've only hypothetically talked about having more children in the future and agreed early on that we wouldn't rush into another drastic change for our family, knowing it would take some time to establish a comfortable groove for us all.

The thought of another baby, the little girl James is wishing for, takes my breath away, leaving me stunned to silence. It's been a dream of mine for the past year, but I've kept it to myself knowing James' wasn't ready yet. His focus has been right where it should be, on finding his footing in his career, and I've been content with that.

Realization dawns on me that I've remained quiet longer than I intended to when I watch James' face fall. My silence has given him the wrong impression, making me snap out of the daze I hadn't realized I was in.

"You want another baby?" I stutter out, trying desperately hard not to give away the hopefulness consuming me, just in case he's joking around.

"Of course I do! Do you see how fucking perfect we make them?" He nods his head in the direction where Hunter is and continues talking "Why not have a whole house full?"

I continue to stare at him, wondering where this man came from and what did he do to my husband. He's never said anything about wanting a large family before.

James laughs and tugs at my arm, pulling me as close as possible to him. "I'm just kidding about the house full part, but I do think it's time we add to the family. What'cha think?"

"You know I've always wanted at least one more child so Hunter has the sibling we both never had growing up. And he has asked why he's the only child out of all his friends, so I assume that means he'd like a little sister or brother."

"And you know I hardly ever deny the little man anything, so why start now?" He shrugs as if we're discussing something as simple as signing Hunter up for the little league camp he's dying to go to at the end of summer.

"You're crazy!"

"Only for you, baby," he retorts before turning his attention away from me. "Hunter, come here."

The giddiness I'm feeling at the prospect of expanding our family is bursting inside of me. I'm anxious to find Esme and Heidi to share our exciting news, but figure it can wait until after the party. Right now, I want to bask in the knowledge and confirmation of our decision.

Hunter wastes no time running over to us. His cheeks are rosy, and his skin glistens from playing in the warm sunshine.

"I'm thirsty," he whines as soon he reaches us.

"You can get drink out of the cooler, but first, I gotta question for you," James states, tugging Hunter until he's standing directly in the middle of us. "What do you think about becoming a big brother?"

My eyes widen as soon as the question is fully out. I'm speechless that he's bringing our five-year-old son into this conversation when we've only started discussing this subject ourselves minutes before.

"It would be cool I guess, as long as it's not a girl. Mia's a little too wild for me. I don't think I can handle a sister."

* * *

**_Just to refresh your memory, Victoria mentions that baby number two is a boy in the Epilogue. Sorry to disappoint anyone who's hoping James will get his wish the next time around, but who knows, maybe they'll have a third child and it will be a sweet little girl. _**

**_I'm hoping to do an outtake in the near future were you see James with his second son, whom already has a name and a face in my head. _**

**_See you tomorrow for our last snippet!_**

**_Thanks for reading!_**

**_Jadsmama_**


	20. Outtake Four: Apprehension

**Outtake Four- Apprehension**

**September, 2017**

He pulls on the covers.

Then tucks it under him.

A long, deep sigh.

He rolls over.

Then repeats.

James has been doing this for the better part of the night. At first I thought he was just restless, but then the mumbling started and never stopped, and I realized he was actually wide awake. Up until now, I've remained quiet, peeking at the numbers on the alarm clock every so often as we creep closer to sunrise, but the lack of a good night's sleep is starting to wear on me.

I pull a fast one on James, yanking the covers back to my side just as he starts his routine, again. I swiftly turn towards him, wishing it were light enough for him to see the scowl on my face.

"Okay, what gives?" I ask with a huff.

"What do you mean, Tori? I'm trying to sleep over here, and I can't fucking get comfortable," he spits back at me, not helping the situation.

I fight against my annoyance, but my response still comes out in clipped tones. "Yeah, I can tell… you can't stop fidgeting."

James turns over once again, bringing us face to face. He scoots closer until we're mere inches apart and lets out a low sigh.

"I'm freaked out about tomorrow, alright? I don't know if I can keep my cool with any little fuckers that mess with my son. I _will not_ be my dad and let shit go unhandled. And yes, I know, I can't do shit to _them_, but their parents may be a different story."

"Are you talking about kids in Hunter's kindergarten class?" I question, slightly confused where James is going with this and why. We haven't even met them yet.

My question earns me a loud huff and a long pause of silence. I wait patiently while racking my brain to figure out what has my husband so disturbed at this god-awful hour of the early morning.

"Yes," he simply answers, but the feelings behind it don't seem that simple.

"Babe, calm down. You're getting yourself worked up over imaginary bullies." I reach out to James, trying to comfort him with my touch. My plan backfires, and he pulls further away from me.

"Don't fucking make fun of me! I know you don't know how it feels to be picked on."

Guilt instantly races through me as I mull over his words. I now understand where his agitation is coming from. I can't say I'm surprised he's freaking out again; it's been slowly building up as the first day of Kindergarten nears.

He demanded to go school shopping with us, and then insisted Hunter pick out the best of everything. Nothing was overlooked on James' mental checklist. He got the most expensive school supplies, Nike Air Jordan shoes, Under Armor clothes and backpack… pretty much items a five-year-old could care less about.

I bit my tongue each time I swiped our debit card, knowing the reasoning behind the high-end items. He felt by purchasing them, we were insuring that Hunter wouldn't end up being a target for harassment. The insecurities that are imbedded deep within James reappear every now and then. Time, counseling, and love will never be able to fully take away the abuse and neglect he endured as a kid. For that reason alone, I went along with his crazy tactics, but now he's starting to take it a little too far.

"I'm sorry if you thought I was making fun of you, but that's not what I was doing at all. I'm just trying to get you to see that you're getting worked up over a situation that hasn't happened, and, more than likely, won't."

A loud groan interrupts me temporarily, but I don't let it or James' distance stop me from trying to soothe his worries. I scoot to where he has moved and take his tense body in my arms. With a quick kiss as my final attempt to physically comfort him, I continue.

"I swear to you, if Hunter ever gets picked on, we willimmediately handle it and do what it takes to insure it stops. But, you can't turn into the bully yourself, thinking you can scare people away from Hunter; it _will_ get him picked on because his daddy is too overprotective for his own good."

"You know I'm just talking out of my ass. I wouldn't do anything to those little fuckers," he lightly answers, giving away that he's starting to relax some.

"I know you wouldn't because you're smarter than that now."

"Of course I am, I'll just pay a kid to take care of it so I'm in the clear," he retorts, and the grin laced in his voice doesn't go unnoticed even in the pitch-black room.

"You seriously need to get some sleep; you're delirious now."

"Mmhmm," he hums and begins to nuzzle my neck. "Since you're wide awake you can help me work off the tension. Bet I'll fall right to sleep afterwards."

His hands leave my waist and begin to roam, encouraging me to stay awake a little while longer. The heaviness of the night is temporarily forgotten, and I can only hope that it will stay away long enough to get Hunter to school in the morning. As much as a full night's sleep would've been beneficial, this unexpected reminder validates how fiercely protective James is of our son. I can't fault him for putting his family above all else. After all, feeling secure is what I longed for over the years, and I've come to realize he's always provided it, just in his own way.

* * *

**_Thanks for taking the time to read these snippets. I have two other outtake ideas swirling around in my head and hope to get them written out at some point in the near future._**

**_Jadsmama_**


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